13 Weeks

partial miscarriage
this doctor, like the other white seals
blubber skin safe and thick against -
i take her face and squeeze until it weeps
or i imagine i do these things.

dilated cervix, fetal tissue
my thighs erupt in hives? no.
large wet wounds, i have been
burnt? no. the white cervical light
brutally, impossibly revealing. my husband
weeping, i turn to his mouth and suture with some comfort.
or, i imagine i do these things.

anemic
shoddy stream of blood- loose
from my vagina like whale spout
suddenly i remember spitting fountains
of bath water on my sister's face
my husband tells me don't look, don't see
i am brave and i do not scream
or. i imagine i do these things

significant blood loss, transfusion
eyes of the Asian doctor too kind
possibly to destroy fearless Kamakazi
i wrap my knuckles like a boxer
curdling contractions, blood clotting
their whispers keep my baby dead
i demand to know: the truth
or: i imagine i do these things

hypotonic, significant anemia
the room unfolds with the soft suck of my thighs
a kind blonde nurse is wiping the last -
i think of how my son used to say
' i blooding mommy, i blooding '
i am a very good Mother
or? i imagine i do these things

patient stabilized
sky in the window a dark gum glue
the center-night births me rotten
i moan and cry like a child
my husband the only safety
i am a good wife, i love him well
or, i imagine i do these things

late miscarriage. thirteen weeksthe bathroom light, light
my eyes swollen like bee hives
i have fourteen blood boils along my arms
against odds i carried this baby in my belly
my body let my baby die. bled him out of me.
i lose like everyone loses.
or i imagine i do these things.

maggie may ethridge
june 23 2009