Vote for me, a pregnant hog.
love! maggie *oinkoink
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Kate Granju and You
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Dear Readers,
Katie received her money today and I am so very grateful for all of your generous donations towards this amazing mother who lost her oldest boy, Henry. Here was her email to me, in part:
Second of all, I want to say thank you SO VERY MUCH. This is tremendously helpful to us. You and your readers are so incredibly kind and thoughtful and I can never express how grateful Jon and I are.
Thank you all again.
Love,
Maggie May
Monday, August 9, 2010
the face of my heart
What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
-- Helen Claes
-- Helen Claes
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Quiet Desperation and The Comforts of Love
I come home, pull into the driveway with music blaring ( Ever likes it, I can tell ) step out of the black jeepy thing to Bellatrix fixing me with her dragon stare and mewing. She's saying Milk, Milk, Milk, Milk- pause to lick paw- Milk, Milk. I coo at her and cluck her chin, walk into the house. The dead branches Mr. Curry and I ripped root upward a few weeks ago still lie piled on the front lawn, and the front lawn is still eighty percent dead; this is a complete anomaly in our middle class neighborhood, where everyone's sprinkler's spring to life together at the crust of dark and dawn. We however rent, and our landlord doesn't feel like paying for new sprinklers. Or a new oven, which broke a month ago. Or to repair the leak in the playroom roof. Or for a new garage door. Or the hole in the wall in the bathtub tiles that we have white-trash-patched. The reason he can get away with not paying for these things is because when I had my surgeries a few years back, money got horribly non existent, and we did not pay two months rent. We are still paying it back. Our rent is $2,100 a month, so times two, plus interest, plus the fact that we could not pay the rent back immediately because during that time I missed a lot of work ( the second surgery was unexpected and swift ) and so did Mr. Curry. The last year we have been paying him back the grand total of $100 to $150 a month, and at this rate expect to be finished by the time Ever is president.
We love our home, borrowed though it is. We love the cul-de-sac we live in, the neighbors ( well expect for those ones ) the many kids Lola's age that live here, the fact that two of Dakota's good friends live within walking distance, my work is literally a ten minute walk from here and the kids schools are a 10-15 minute drive. We have been here six years and the only time we have been late on rent is during my medical crisis years. Neither Mr. Curry and I care more about an upkept lawn, a patched up bathroom or a working garage door than we do about keeping our children in this house. To bother the landlord about these things invites the Universal frowny finger. We could be asked to move, the house fixed up spiffy and gorgeous with new carpeting, and rented out for at least a few more hundred dollars than we pay now, or could afford. That is why we moved from our last home.
We are quietly desperate to make more money. Mr. Curry is looking for a new job, one with a little better pay and health care. Right now guess who has insurance in this household? Me. That's it. I'm filling out forms for the children and hoping Healthy Families has waived it's waiting list, or it's on to the much more expensive Blue Cross. I have insurance because my work covers it, and I only pay a nominal fee to keep it. I'm working full time and plugging away the last few months on scouting articles around, finishing my novel, and poking a trickle of money from this blog in the form of sponsors. Mr. Curry often works six days a week, sometimes seven. We have a roomate. We are doing everything possible but the crushing weight of our financial collapse from my medical costs and lost wages and Mr. Curry's business going under changed our lives in a way that is still hard for me to fully grasp. We have been extremely disciplined with our budget in the last few years and slowly taking care of large important things, like paying the back owed rent, getting Dakota's cavities fixed ( just finished that this month! ) saving to pay for Dakota's testing ( the money is unbelievable for that ) Lola's much needed tutoring in math, paid off the debt from my car accident, etc. I hold on to this. ' Courage to change the things you can... '
And for those of you who wonder our rationale for working so very hard to become pregnant, I don't mind offering our thoughts. Mr. Curry and I don't have any biological children together. Ian is from Mr. Curry's ex-wife, Lola and Dakota from mine ( well, you know what I mean ).
It never feels this way, because Mr. Curry and I have been best friends since we were eighteen. So I was helping grow up Ian before I was his second Mom, and Mr. Curry was cuddling Dakota and Lola when they were in diapers- their father and I were no longer together by the time I discovered I was pregnant with Lola. I realized I was in love with Mr. Curry in my fifth month of pregnancy, and made him wait until she was three months old to kiss me. By the time we found each other, the children were all in love with each other. But. We really wanted to have a baby together. And so we have.
I walk in the door and Mr. Curry is in my pink heart apron, cooking dinner. Lola's room looks fantastic in it's new blue paint. The boys are laughing their almost men laughs and every corner of this house holds memories and echoes of our family life that is incredibly comforting to all of us. The boys are so sentimental they can barely let me replace their 17 year old white dresser that has not a single drawer in functional use at this point. Our dogs are play growling and jumping on the couch they are never ever to jump on. I feel Ever sumersault in my belly. I feel fear move in large circles with her tiny body. I am so tired of being poor. I am so tired of being afraid of how we are going to afford to move if we have to. I hold on to Mr. Curry, his enormous hazel eyes, his promises that as long as we are all together everything will be OK. But, I think, it will be so hard.
I am so tired of things being hard. Have you ever felt like this? Blessed beyond reason and deeply tired of the strains of life? Of course you have.
Love you guys.
We love our home, borrowed though it is. We love the cul-de-sac we live in, the neighbors ( well expect for those ones ) the many kids Lola's age that live here, the fact that two of Dakota's good friends live within walking distance, my work is literally a ten minute walk from here and the kids schools are a 10-15 minute drive. We have been here six years and the only time we have been late on rent is during my medical crisis years. Neither Mr. Curry and I care more about an upkept lawn, a patched up bathroom or a working garage door than we do about keeping our children in this house. To bother the landlord about these things invites the Universal frowny finger. We could be asked to move, the house fixed up spiffy and gorgeous with new carpeting, and rented out for at least a few more hundred dollars than we pay now, or could afford. That is why we moved from our last home.
We are quietly desperate to make more money. Mr. Curry is looking for a new job, one with a little better pay and health care. Right now guess who has insurance in this household? Me. That's it. I'm filling out forms for the children and hoping Healthy Families has waived it's waiting list, or it's on to the much more expensive Blue Cross. I have insurance because my work covers it, and I only pay a nominal fee to keep it. I'm working full time and plugging away the last few months on scouting articles around, finishing my novel, and poking a trickle of money from this blog in the form of sponsors. Mr. Curry often works six days a week, sometimes seven. We have a roomate. We are doing everything possible but the crushing weight of our financial collapse from my medical costs and lost wages and Mr. Curry's business going under changed our lives in a way that is still hard for me to fully grasp. We have been extremely disciplined with our budget in the last few years and slowly taking care of large important things, like paying the back owed rent, getting Dakota's cavities fixed ( just finished that this month! ) saving to pay for Dakota's testing ( the money is unbelievable for that ) Lola's much needed tutoring in math, paid off the debt from my car accident, etc. I hold on to this. ' Courage to change the things you can... '
And for those of you who wonder our rationale for working so very hard to become pregnant, I don't mind offering our thoughts. Mr. Curry and I don't have any biological children together. Ian is from Mr. Curry's ex-wife, Lola and Dakota from mine ( well, you know what I mean ).
It never feels this way, because Mr. Curry and I have been best friends since we were eighteen. So I was helping grow up Ian before I was his second Mom, and Mr. Curry was cuddling Dakota and Lola when they were in diapers- their father and I were no longer together by the time I discovered I was pregnant with Lola. I realized I was in love with Mr. Curry in my fifth month of pregnancy, and made him wait until she was three months old to kiss me. By the time we found each other, the children were all in love with each other. But. We really wanted to have a baby together. And so we have.
I walk in the door and Mr. Curry is in my pink heart apron, cooking dinner. Lola's room looks fantastic in it's new blue paint. The boys are laughing their almost men laughs and every corner of this house holds memories and echoes of our family life that is incredibly comforting to all of us. The boys are so sentimental they can barely let me replace their 17 year old white dresser that has not a single drawer in functional use at this point. Our dogs are play growling and jumping on the couch they are never ever to jump on. I feel Ever sumersault in my belly. I feel fear move in large circles with her tiny body. I am so tired of being poor. I am so tired of being afraid of how we are going to afford to move if we have to. I hold on to Mr. Curry, his enormous hazel eyes, his promises that as long as we are all together everything will be OK. But, I think, it will be so hard.
I am so tired of things being hard. Have you ever felt like this? Blessed beyond reason and deeply tired of the strains of life? Of course you have.
Love you guys.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
This Is What Happens Sometimes When You Make Friends Online
Dena, 'Spanky' (Jackson), Dakota, Myself and Lola in Pacific Beach, CA 2002
Elizabeth, this is for you.
xo
Elizabeth, this is for you.
xo
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
I've Got a Crush On: the movie Parenthood
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
This movie became an instant classic to me the moment I saw it as a teenager. Years later, at 35 years old, it still remains a top ten favorite of mine, a movie worth revisiting yearly. The first time I saw Parenthood it represented a dream to me: that someone from a fucked up place could make a family able to love one another and thrive. Who best to represent childhood pain with a friendly face than Steve Martin and this movie family of his: the Buckman's? One of my favorite, most beloved faces in Hollywood, Steve Martin is true genius. His gifts are prodigious- the turns simple lines into heartwarming moments of human connection or struggle without souring into a character of himself; a true achievement for a man who primarily plays men who are caricatures of one kind or another, representing a 'type' but pulled from type and made into something unique and entirely entertaining.
In Parenthood Martin was partnered brilliantly with Mary Steenburgen as husband and wife of three children, the oldest who suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder that leads to the hilarious argument in the Principal's office about why their son is so nervous, ending with Gil accusing his wife of smoking pot 'like a chimney' in college. The sweet and steady love between the two- even though obviously stressed throughout the movie- was addictive to me. That is what I wanted. A life like anyone had- one that could and would get messy, complicated and stressful- with a partner to walk through it with, in it with me, for better or worse.
Parenthood extends beyond Gil's immediate family to include a cast of beautifully, hilariously executed characters: Gil's emotionally stunted father, long suffering mother and black sheep brother ( played touchingly by the great F. Murray Abraham from another of my favorite movies, Amadeus ) who brings home a 'surprise' son he named...Cool. There are two other sisters and their extended families and dramas that are included in the movie's plot, and all work together seamlessly in set pieces that are instant classics. There is the Keanu Reeves character who famously says '... they even make you get a license to fish! but any butt reamin' asshole can be a father. ' Joaquin Phoenix ( ' Leaf ' at the time ) plays the deeply troubled son of Gil's sister, with a haunted, intelligent intensity that is a clear foreshadowing of the young man ahead. There is the scene where the lights go out on a large family dinner and someone brings out a vibrator saying ' I found a flashlight! ' to find it buzzing away as the lights go back on. A child asks ' What IS that?' and a crafty adult answers ' An electric ear-cleaner ' to which Grandma remarks ' Oh my that's large!'
The sway between the enormous love of family and the reality of the depth of wounding we can do to one another, and how that is or is not passed on to our children - this is the beating heart of this movie, layered in sweet and laugh out loud scenes of family life.
See it!
( the opening scene alone makes me tear up and laugh, a good indicator
for the entire rest of the movie- or just my neurotic emotional state )
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
This movie became an instant classic to me the moment I saw it as a teenager. Years later, at 35 years old, it still remains a top ten favorite of mine, a movie worth revisiting yearly. The first time I saw Parenthood it represented a dream to me: that someone from a fucked up place could make a family able to love one another and thrive. Who best to represent childhood pain with a friendly face than Steve Martin and this movie family of his: the Buckman's? One of my favorite, most beloved faces in Hollywood, Steve Martin is true genius. His gifts are prodigious- the turns simple lines into heartwarming moments of human connection or struggle without souring into a character of himself; a true achievement for a man who primarily plays men who are caricatures of one kind or another, representing a 'type' but pulled from type and made into something unique and entirely entertaining.
In Parenthood Martin was partnered brilliantly with Mary Steenburgen as husband and wife of three children, the oldest who suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder that leads to the hilarious argument in the Principal's office about why their son is so nervous, ending with Gil accusing his wife of smoking pot 'like a chimney' in college. The sweet and steady love between the two- even though obviously stressed throughout the movie- was addictive to me. That is what I wanted. A life like anyone had- one that could and would get messy, complicated and stressful- with a partner to walk through it with, in it with me, for better or worse.
Parenthood extends beyond Gil's immediate family to include a cast of beautifully, hilariously executed characters: Gil's emotionally stunted father, long suffering mother and black sheep brother ( played touchingly by the great F. Murray Abraham from another of my favorite movies, Amadeus ) who brings home a 'surprise' son he named...Cool. There are two other sisters and their extended families and dramas that are included in the movie's plot, and all work together seamlessly in set pieces that are instant classics. There is the Keanu Reeves character who famously says '... they even make you get a license to fish! but any butt reamin' asshole can be a father. ' Joaquin Phoenix ( ' Leaf ' at the time ) plays the deeply troubled son of Gil's sister, with a haunted, intelligent intensity that is a clear foreshadowing of the young man ahead. There is the scene where the lights go out on a large family dinner and someone brings out a vibrator saying ' I found a flashlight! ' to find it buzzing away as the lights go back on. A child asks ' What IS that?' and a crafty adult answers ' An electric ear-cleaner ' to which Grandma remarks ' Oh my that's large!'
The sway between the enormous love of family and the reality of the depth of wounding we can do to one another, and how that is or is not passed on to our children - this is the beating heart of this movie, layered in sweet and laugh out loud scenes of family life.
See it!
( the opening scene alone makes me tear up and laugh, a good indicator
for the entire rest of the movie- or just my neurotic emotional state )
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