1 The vibrator in the house happens to be green with jungle animals on it, and often holds
ten pound newborn.
2 Great care must be taken when choosing a dirty towel to use after a shower. One must
vigorously inspect all used towels before smearing them across the body.
3 There is a whole new reason to fear the dogs tearing into the trash.
4 Sexual activity is encouraged to be as quick as the scene in Fast Times At Richmond High-
Of course, that is assuming sexual activity is possible.
5 When I grumble Scoot Over in bed and start pushing, someone is likely to fall out. The amount of people in bed has multiplied times two.
6 Instead of our schedule running around school times and clocks, and you know, implements of responsible modern society, they run around a drooling babbling bundle with three chins and a proclivity for pooping her pants the minute the key starts turning the lock.
7 The mother must not shower more than ten minutes. Or the mother will be punished. The mother can only wash her face once a day. Decide: morning or evening. The mother is not allowed to have toilet issues. The mother is allotted eight minutes to use the toilet. The mother cannot drink milk, eat chocolate, consume alcohol or beans, and must consume more water than Niagra Falls daily. The mother can put deodorant on but cannot shave her legs. The mother can floss but cannot cut her nails. The mother can fling sunblock on but must not use makeup. The mother can pretend to do other things but must acknowledge that all she is really doing is taking a pause between nursing baby and walking baby. Pauses are short and not always necessary, according to baby.
8 The husband must accept all above.
9 Pint sized farts are pretty cute.
10 The dogs....what dogs? Aw. Poor dogs.
