Things I Taught My Kids That Really Were Overkill Now That I Think About It

1. Do not, no matter how desperate or under any circumstances, use toilet paper thrown in the trash can of a public bathroom to wipe your vagina or butt. Or any body part. If necessary, take off your underwear and use them, then dispose.

2. Most serial killers will not take you if you pretend to be a crazy person and scream MY MOTHER WAS A PIG AND I ATE HER ON MY PLATE or something great like that.

3. The thing is, no one really wants to hear a three hour dissertation on World of Warcraft, even if they could reach Level 3 and have a totem spirit like, three times faster than usual.

4. I wish you had been a dwarf. I always wanted one of my kids to be a dwarf.

5. If you go on a date, clean your ears in case the girl sticks her tongue really far down in your ear and gets a load of earwax. Buzzkill.

6. Baby pee really doesn't taste like anything.

7. In order, shit, goddamnit, fucking nuts and crap. Although taught may be a strong word here. 

8. Your dad likes breastmilk too!

they are listening
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