Thursday, September 19, 2013
Posted by Maggie May
a functional depressive makes room for the children's breakfast, teeth brushing and gets everyone out of the door on time. her own teeth are witchy. when i write here i think about how much has changed. so many people i know read this little space in the big universe of online and it has changed my audacity. i fear reprisal in the form of loss of income, for instance. do you want a woman struggling with depression to watch your children? i do a good, even excellent job. the children are parked and swung and slid and taken to story time and the toy aisle at Target and dressed adorably, hair brushed and eyes raccoon bright, they eat healthy, whole food meals and only watch TV ( other mom approved ) once a day, they do worksheets, music and story time and art time. they laugh and argue and play in sun and rain. they swim and strip and potty. i move through the motions like an injured ballet dancer. perhaps you can see where i used to be beautiful? where the lines ran like music through my arms and legs, life was such a joy? i reach for the beautiful moments and they filter through my hand like a rainbow. nothing can penetrate the wedding ring sized hole in my body. nothing can fill it, or end it when i choose. it must be accepted and endured, and the relief comes from knowing, with my whole self, that i am not special, that i am not singular or destined or cursed or unlucky- i am simply alive, and life comes with pain. life comes with holes in the fabric of the universe, just as it comes with concentric patterns of relief. pi is my favorite math. the circular eye is pi, as is the flower, the snowflake-- to me, pi is a signal from the great universe. hello, i am here. is this not a description of God? :
Pi has had various names through the ages, and all of them are either words or abstract symbols, since pi is a number that can't be shown completely and exactly in any finite form of representation. Pi is a transcendental number. A transcendental number is a number but can't be expressed in any finite series of either arithmetical or algebraic operations. Pi slips away from all rational methods to locate it. It is indescribable and can't be found.