I can't sleep because I'm too excited. I'm excited because I have a poem in Guernica today called Robot Nurse. I'm excited because I have four kids that are all doing really wonderfully in four very different ways. I'm excited because they are alive, and here, and I get to see them and talk to them all the time. I'm excited because I am writing all the time. I'm excited because my novel is one chapter from being first draft done. I'm excited because this is the summer I'll finish the first draft of my novel oh fucking oh! I'm excited because I love my mom and I get to see her all the time. I'm excited because I love my friends and Taymar and her baby Benny are coming to stay with us soon. I'm excited because Dakota turns 21 and next weekend we are having a BBQ for him. I'm excited because the summer in San Diego is so gobsmackingly beautiful. I'm excited because Ever has a trampoline ( thank you, Craigslist ) with netting and a pool and a sandbox and friends that live nearby so she's pretty much 100. I'm excited because I keep finding amazing new music. I'm excited because my ass looks great and I've worked really hard to get it there. I'm excited because I'm reading great books even thought they are often wickedly depressing- right now I'm reading Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee and if I ever, ever wanted to hold onto to any romantic inkling of our beginnings, this book is crushing that out like so many lives and lights were crushed forever in the 1800's. I'm excited because I'm 40 and I love being 40. I'm excited because Ever is so adorable that I often look at her and feel a sense of disbelief that she is real. Her voice is like the kind of voice you imagine the cutest little girl in the world having. I'm excited because Ever is my last baby and she's still SO very little, and I still have so much littleness to soak up with her. I'm excited because Mr. Curry is sexy. I'm excited because when I imagine being alone with him in some romantic location, I still get that butterflies, I could die in your arms and be happy feeling. I really do. I am excited because I'm this close to being in tears. I'm excited because I can feel it in the air tonight. I'm excited because I'm overstimulated, overcaffinated, neurotic and most assuredly going through peri-menopause. I'm excited because the world is so fascinating and beautiful and then I'm desperately horror stricken because it's so awful and wicked and full of suffering. I'm excited because a tiny part of me is still hoping for some kind of magic when we die. I'm excited despite the fact that 98% of me believes that to be false.
Now I'm anxious again.