Wednesday, March 4, 2009

There Is So Much Confusion When There Is Love

I'm reading The Pursuit of Happyness and god this guy writes about basketball asses too much. I get it, you like the round bouncy butts. Now move on.

I'm blue. The sun is shining sweetly and I cannot respond to it. I feel like a stormcloud is brewing on my crotch and the theme song I am playing is The Wazoo of Unhappiness. I am the reason people complain about blogs ie ' who wants to read about someone's unhappy crotch'. I don't want to read about basketball asses anymore so I guess I should move on. But (all my friends have Big Butts, thank you Pee-Wee) my pants are too tight and I feel such intertia I'm not going to change them.

A boy came to my door the other day. An illegal. He was a teenager, my son said, because Dakota answered the door and I was sleeping. The boy was looking for work. Dakota gave him his ten dollars and had him cut some bushes in the front yard. I feel proud of my son, and terrifically sad that this boy is living god knows where and working all day instead of getting an education. I can't stand to think of what he feels inside. He's a boy. A little boy, really. Who is loving him? Who is taking care of him? What does he eat for dinner? Is he getting enough nutrition? Does he brush his teeth every day? Does he feel like he's a piece of shit because he's a poor illegal? What can I do?? What else can I do?

The sun is shining sweetly and I'm carrying my stormcloud and I can feel the weight of this little boy's pain pressing in on my skin. My Lola cried this morning because she's having a problem with a friend at school and Lola is so sensitive and has no SKIN against these things, holding her guts in and the bad things out, and it reminds me so much of my sister Lura, and how I was always considered the 'strong one' and one day in the car when it was raining torrentially my mom in casual conversation, while navigating the sopping roads, said if she died she wouldn't worry about me because I'd be OK but Lura....that was another thing. And Lura wasn't OK. Even thought nobody died. I want to wrap Lola in my arms and protect her from wanting so badly for every single person to love her. We know how that ends up. My love seemed to enure my Dakota against needing approval for a long time but Lola is very different, her own person of course, and she needs something else, she's not secure right now, she's crying once a week because of some little girl or another, even though she has so many friends that love her, she wants everyone to love her, all the time. Oh Lola. Watching her learn about navigating this is much harder than I thought. I think it's tearing open old pain of mine and that pain is spilling out into my perception of my daughter and I can't see clearly or feel clearly because daughtermommymommydaughter is getting entertwined and everyone knows that's against the laws of mental health. When I look into Lola's face and she looks straight back at me I literally feel helpless before the love I feel. I have to look away and think. Let me think for a minute.

This boy who is called 'illegal' might be having his soul slowly killed because he is a human being and he is called ILLEGAL by white people who drive cars and live in houses and walk long haired dogs who were groomed at Petco and given fresh meat to eat every night. I need to think what else I can do to help besides giving food and money. That boy walked away from our house and who is taking care of him? Where is his Mom and Dad, Mama and Papa, Papi, where is his love? He is just a little boy and when I can't give money I can't explain to his eyes how I can live in this house and drive a car but you don't understand I have TWO roomates and my car is a piece of shit and I owe 80,000 in medical bills and I want to help more, but I have no money in my blue change purse.

I'm blue today.
image by Karen K.
Petunia Face said...

Oh how I want to wrap you up and hug you, give you money that I don't have so that you can then give it to the boy even though you don't have it either. Bless you :)

Sandi said...

Heartbreaking! Life is unfair. AND THAT SUCKS! I feel like you, I want to save the universe! Thankfully I have a husband that keeps me roped in, or we would be living in the shelter along with all the other people I gave away our last cent to.

I agree with you though, it's not always money they need, it's acceptance, reassurance, and love! Not trying to sound like the black eyed peas, but WHERE IS THE LOVE?

Kristin said...

Beautiful post! I will read your "blue" posts. It's nice to read something that you can relate to.

And about your daughter, I was the same way. She will eventually figure out who she is and what she wants and be strong!

Vashti said...

Dakota's actions are a testimony to your fantastic parenting and your compassion has rubbed off on him, what an amazing gift you have given your son!
Lola will get there, in the meantime just love her like you already are.
And you cant save everyone (Im learnig that here in SA) but you can make a difference one person at a time. Dakota made a difference in that one boys life. Do you know the story about the star fish and the little boy? I think I will post it on my blog, any way you might not be able to save them all but you can help to save at least one!
Girl your the best I love your gentle heart.

Bee said...

Even though I'm a basically happy, secure and optimistic person, I still have days where I feel exactly this kind of blue -- and all I can see/feel is all of the suffering and the sadness in the world.

About daughters: My daughter went through a horrible stage of friend betrayal last spring and she was like a mournful ghost for awhile. But what can you do other than love her and be there for her? Growing up sucks; it really does. You cannot keep your children from learning that the world is made up of all sorts of things -- and some of them are not nice.

The boy you describe knows this big-time already. But maybe he has a great, loving family and enough to eat -- even though he has to help with that. Being willing to see him -- really see him as a person -- is probably all he needs from you.

xxoo, Bee

Such a moving post.

Annie said...

I know it's hard when you care so much, but you focus on what you can do, meet the needs of your own family the best way you can, and help others when it's possible. I like what Bee said, in a world often filled with prejudice, recognizing the boy as a person, and letting him and others know that you view them as worthwhile, even when you have no money to give, is a gift in and of itself.

Sharon said...

Hang in there...just writing about it, putting it out there for the world to see, makes it real. Everyone knows these problems are real, but most people choose to ignore it and focus on their own problems. If everyone were more like Dakota, then we would have a much nicer world. Like Vashti said, Dakota's actions are a testimony to your parenting. You need to be proud of yourself too!

Patois42 said...

A big hug from me.

Anonymous said...

This tears at my soul. You are such a good person, and that has clearly been sent on through to your children. I am so touched by who they are. Lola's feelings remind me of myself as a young girl, my mother must have felt the same feelings you are going through. How do we give our children just enough armor to protect themselves without killing the tenderness that makes them gentle and caring? I don't even have a child yet, but I worry about this.

Lola said...

I totally understand ;( So much sadness everywhere. It's hard to not let it in.

Feel better. Lola will be fine, because you're the best mom a kid could have. Just look at how Dakota turned out!

Red Flashlight said...

Blessings upon you for your compassion!

I'm a lot like Lola. Even now. I manage my need to be loved by telling myself that hey . . . everyone loves me, actually. When they act like they don't it's because they're temporarily out of order. A silly conceit, but there ya go.

previous next