On The Fourth of July

When the thing happened, I was filled with the realization of all my wanting. I want, I want, I want. I am not enlightened although I was much closer, once. I lost the work. I stopped working. Light, is work. Directing your energy, over and over, toward the pathway, is work. I was busy. I had four children. I stopped working so hard on enlightenment. I worked on important things, my marriage, my mothering, my job, my writing. But the state of my soul, I let rest in the flash of sunset in my eyes, I let-in other words-something enormous rest in tiny increments, where it could not be kept alive. Expansion requires more space than moments of recognized beauty and awe. It requires work. Reading, prayers, meditation, journaling, time, hours, daily. 

When the thing happened, I was filled with wanting. I want so many things for you, I want so badly that it consumes me, it trills through me like warning bells, it hums through my neurons and I am so devastated with wanting for you that the bottoms of my feet hurt. The doctor would, If I asked her, surely name it something for me, and provide the malfunction of my body with a physical source. But I know that this is simply my emotions blackening the physical workings of my body. 

I'd give up 25% of my current happiness for you. I think I could survive there. I think that's a fair amputation that will allow me to remain functional, afterward. 

When the thing happened, I wanted many things at once. Some of them are:

for you to be free of fear.

for God to trade my arm, even my good arm, my right arm, my writing arm, in for your healing. i would give it in a painful way. i would cut if off myself. 

for you to accept your particular ill. we all have one.

for you to accept that you are killing yourself.

for you to accept that you are worth everything.

for you to accept that you are unconditionally loved and worth being so.

for you to understand how being a person who makes horrible mistakes but rectifies is possible and different than being a bad person.

for you to know, know, know, that you are not a bad person.

for you to know peace.

for you to know grace.

for you to accept help.

for you to accept help.

for you to accept help.

When the thing happened, I felt nothing all day. The fireworks happened, the screaming children at the fountain, sweat pouring down their faces, balloons bright red, blue, silver, gold, enormous salted pretzels, baby's yowling in strollers, large dogs on leashes, small dogs in sparkly outfits, banjos, guitar, fiddle, stomping, dancing, the American way, 
I felt nothing all day.

Until around the time when I did.

The feeling then was a terrible, tsunami panic, and a small death. A quick smothering and snapped neck. I am old enough to feel when a part of me dies.

When the thing happened, I thought many useless thoughts, and some helpful ones. Some of the things I thought were:

I hate myself for not being better.

I don't hate myself.

I might hate some part of myself, I"m not sure.

I hate that I notice all my thoughts.

This isn't about me. 

This is about me.

This isn't mostly about me.

My thoughts are self-absorbed and insufferable.

Why is life full of so much suffering?

Why do horrible things happen to good people?

Why do horrible things happen to anyone?

Why can't I stop this?

Why didn't I stop this?

What should I do?

Is this my fault?

The next step is to talk to X and then Y.

I'll do anything I have to do.

I will be strong for my family.

I can do anything I have to do.

Did I do enough?

What is the meaning of life when there is so much pain?

Why can't I stop this?

Why?


When the thing happened, I saw everyone I loved in highlighter, like the sun rubbed it's juicy face all over them. Bright and bold and beautiful. 

I saw every person in the crowd on the Fourth of July, their faces lit up like fireworks, their eyes full of pain and love and joy, black, brown, white, tall, short, thin, large, medium, nice, rude, sick, healthy, all the people, and I saw their faces alive and moving and the worth of each life passing on to the next life and how each person shone from the same source as the next and how much I loved them each and every one, because when the thing happened, I took the love I have for you and grabbed sit hard and shone it outward to the crowd in spotlight and screamed over their busy beautiful heads that I love you, I love you, I'd do anything, I'd do anything to find your unhurt face in that goddamn crowd.