Monday, March 23, 2009

Cleaving

Things have been sandpaper between Mr. Curry and I. I won't go into it, because he's not the one deciding to expose his entire self in a blog, but it's not One Event that caused A Fight. It's more of a Series Of Unfortunate Events, if I was going to pick a fitting children's book title, that is leaving us adrift from one another. We haven't had an easy marriage from the very beginning. We've had periods of ease and lightheartedness, but between Mr. C's bipolar and business collapse, and my period of anxiety attacks and surgeries and ensuing medical debt staggering is not to large a word for the amount of money owed With Insurance we have never had a period where life let up it's relentless drumbeat how are you going to keep your house how are you going to pay for his new shoes how are you going to fix the car what are you going to do about the creditors there is no money for health insurance you are the adult make it happen make it better how are you going to pay the IRS how are you going to live

W
e are now at a stale mate of sorts. We could not solve the issues in conversation, anger and frustration on both sides bubbling over, and we seem to be coming from different sides of the Elephant lately. ' Hey that's his tail! ' I cry, ' No that's his EAR! ' he shouts back. So we are agreeing to focus on our selves for now, and let our relationship have a break, as far as the romantic. The practical, of course, remains and so it goes, the children still have us functioning without any noticeable problems, and I have actually felt lighter since we took to our corners to lick our fur. I have always found marriage to be both an incredible sanctuary and also a trap, not because of Mr. Curry or anything he does, but because of my own nature, temperment and desire to 'be comfortable' emotionally, to be safe- a feeling that has always been amplified for me since my childhood of a terrorizing father with a bombastic temper. My father was- is- a tall man, 6'3 and solid muscle, broad shoulders, a gorgeous man, actually, with a deep and booming voice. His physical stature combined with a volatile temper was terrifying, and years spent feeling afraid led me to what has been so far a continous need to feel safe. This feeling, this motivation, is what leads me to find marriage a cage at times- my own self, my own burrowing into the safety of love and it's harbor can keep me from moving forward. It is a constant see-sawing I have done in every relationship.

I have never known what is normal. I have never known a scale to judge myself, my behavior, my expectations, or a lover's - because the scale I was given was ill-tilted, and never suited for the human heart at all. Four years of therapy with an angel ( Dr. Thorpe, you are an angel, you know ) and reading countless of hundreds of books on human psychology and functioning, Life!, has helped me have some kind of idea how to judge myself, my behavior, my emotions, my thought process, but it is still very confusing when I profoundly disagree with someone. Not that profoundly disagreeing is easy for YOU. :) But maybe it is! If so please tell me your secrets.

Times are hard. I am keeping my head up and my heart open. That is all I can ask of myself.

XOXO
Ms. Moon said...

I think you are wise. As I always say, the tide comes in and the tide goes out. Sometimes, on different phases of the moon, it would appear that the tide will never rise again, but if the marriage is solid, if you can rest in love and compassion, if you can be patient with flux (such a good word), it will come in again.
You have so much going against you. The weight bears you down over and over. Please try to remember to keep looking up.
And take care of yourself, dear Maggie May. Take care of yourself.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

In our wedding vows, the officiant spoke of the "ebb and flow" of a marriage. Ebb? What ebb? Pfft.

Ah, the ebb.

I think retreating to your corners is a wonderful idea. Said the woman in a corner.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

It's wise to take a break from the 'solving' of the problem if it creates more problems. But you have to continue to work on yourself and then the marriage can follow.

Not that I am any person to say what's right or not (and I'm not judging), half the time I feel like walking away from my own married life anyway.

Petunia Face said...

Ugh dear heart, I am sorry. But I, too, think you are wise, each going to your corner to lick your fur. I think that is the best solution, that there is no solution, just this. Waiting because you still love your family. Faith that it rights itself eventually.

Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing this. It's always nice to know someone else is experiencing the same struggle, difficulty, life. I hope you find a place for you that you're comfortable, Maggie May.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I hate hearing about people whose finances are battered and torn because of health issues. I really really want this country to go to a European health system. When you're sick, how to pay for it should be the least of your worries.

I hope you and your husband come out of this difficult time stronger in the long run. I recommend an ebook on savethemarriage.com. Not the only answer, but one way to start looking at things differently, and hopefully in the process, making them better and more joyous.

Lola said...

Well, Maggie, you guys have a ton on your plate, so it's bound to happen. Stress takes its toll on all relationships, even very good ones. We've certainly been there more times than I care to remember over the past 15 years we've lived together.

My husband and I could not be more different in personality and how we choose to deal or not deal with issues, so it hasn't been easy.

I'm proactive, and he's not. He thinks everything will be fine just because he wants it to be, and I know it won't. I stress. He sleeps.

In the past, when money issues or his business issues or any kind of stress crept in, we'd clash hard over it. Neither one of us could say anything right. It was hell.

These days, we try to avoid the hot topic until it's not so hot anymore. Saves on the fights, and sometimes we come up with a good solution when we're calm. A lot of times, though, we basically have to agree to disagree ;(

Hang in there, girl.

Sandi said...

(((Huge Hugs Maggie)))

We have two elephants that live in our front room. We talk about them, fight about them, ignore them completely and yet they still dwell here. They have the power to kill us (our marriage) and yet we live amongst them. I wish I had advice for you. I just have understanding. I'm just up the 5 if you ever need to run away for a few hours.

Vashti said...

Maggie.
Sometimes we HAVE to be selfish and take time for our selves, we give out constantly, especialy if we have a hubby and kids, we always put them before our selves, thats just what we do and who we are....but in doing that some times we forget who we are. thats when trouble brews. frustration rears its butt ugly head and tempers fly. Take time. Love the others but also take time to love yourself.
I wish I could give you a huge hug and then take you out for a girly coffee time.
Love Mr Curry through it all and that alone will make all the difference.
Love and hugs from me
xx

Elizabeth said...

Marriage is just so complex and difficult. As much as I love my own husband and feel devoted to him (and the marriage) there is a huge part of me that truly believes the whole thing is so outdated. I mean the institution of marriage itself.

Maggie May, you have a lot on your plate. Keep moving forward. Keep writing. Keep asking. Keep loving.

BiblioMom said...

No matter how "normal" things appear kids sense a difference. Just don't be tricked into thinking that they don't.

One day at a time.

Lacey said...

I think retiring to two seperate corners is oftentimes needed, and that you are a very smart one indeed. :-)

This makes me think of the raccoon trap... you know, how you can trap a racoon by putting something in a box with a small hole in the top, and then the raccoon reaches into the box and grabs onto whatever it is he's grabbing onto, and then he can't get his paw out of the box because it's too big when it's clenched. If the racoon would just "let go" he would be free. But somethings are harder to let go of than others (anger, pride, upset-ed-ness, opinions, emotions), and it's easy to be trapped because of them.

Miss Grace said...

Just take care of yourself darling.

Collin Kelley said...

Sending positive thoughts your way, Maggie May. Money woes -- especially now -- often get in the way. Stay strong and you'll get past it.

PalagiGirl said...

You are beautiful and you are brave. There are people out here praying for you.

bella rum said...

I agree with Rachel. Your own struggles become less threatening when you know that others are working through similar circumstances. You help others by sharing, Maggie May. Times are very difficult and I'm sorry to hear that you're one of those affected. I hope things improve soon, but taking a break for a bit certainly can't hurt. It gives everyone time to breathe.

Bee said...

You need to give yourself a ton of credit for getting out of bed in the morning and taking care of your life. You have A LOT of big things to deal with, and that is in addition to the emotional baggage that you carry. It's a weird thing, but I had a father the very opposite of yours (very gentle; very passive), and yet I cannot stand emotional conflict either. I have been extremely self-effacing in my marriage in order to avoid it. (I have a husband who sees pretty much everything differently than I do; that seems to be a common theme here amongst commenters). Our marriage is a struggle, maybe not every day, but certainly every year. I know that we love each other, though -- and more importantly than that (sometimes), we are a family.

Actually, you seem to have a pretty good handle on it, considering everything. Take care -- and hugs

Rachael said...

Hopefully after a little reprieve, you can weather this and come out stronger on the other end. Hugs to you. Sounds like you have more than your fair share on your plate right now.

Beth said...

So sorry to hear about your troubles but there is a positive note in your post. You both recognize the problems that exist and possess the maturity to take a time-out.
Trust your instincts and listen to your heart.

Maggie May said...

I am so grateful for the responses here, which have helped me.

MS MOON YOU are wise. I am so glad you responded- I hoped you would. I like that you mentioned flux...I try to keep my head up.

SMU thanks for just telling me the truth. I feel like you are in MY corner.

BLOGGINGMOM same goes to you. just hearing i'm not alone--even though of course intellectually i know it- is so helpful.

PETUNIA thanks, and i love your endearments. i'm a big endearment person too :)

RACHEL exactly. and just reading you write that is part of that for me.

JELLY JULES thanks for the idea. i'll check it out- i'm very open minded toward reading about anything that might be helpful, giving it a chance.

LOLA wow. thank you so much for sharing so personally. that seriously made me feel better, even though you had no shining moment of truth, just hearing that you guys hang it out and make it worthwhile is awesome. we never know who will make it and who won't. i'm just determined to be happy.

SANDI thank you! you are a sweetheart.

VASHTI your words always have such a calming effect on me for some reason. i get the feeling you are a very special soul.

ELIZABETH i read what you wrote to my friend. thank you.

LACEY brilliant analogy and SO true.

MS GRACE
COLLIN
PALAI GIRL
thanks for the props, guys.

BIBLIOMOM i do agree. what matters to me is that we aren't doing anything damaging.

BELLA thank you for the support, and the not feeling alone factor- yes, that is so important

BEE i swear you almost brought tears to my eyes. i feel like i was talking to a wonderful therapist reading your honest words. thank you so much.

RACHAEL thank you for the supportive words and thoughts.

BETH thank you! i appreciate the good thoughts and encouragment. it is wonderful to have.

anymommy said...

I just wanted to say that I read this and I think you are both handling it with grace. Sometimes, all you can do is agree to retreat, figure things out and try again.

That's real love, I think, because real love doesn't walk away.

Captain Dumbass said...

I love the idea of just going to your separate corners for awhile. Hopefully that's all you need.

katiecrackernuts said...

I have to say I am lucky to be in a smooth patch of what is a tough relationship. My partner and I were laughing just yesterday that we never, ever, ever have taken the easy path. We're struggling with a teen - nearly an adult, but a child - who wants to take the easy path, of which we both know there is none. Disappointments will come and are almost being heralded in by this child. In the meantime, my partner and I anchor ourselves ready for the onslaught of emotions, the tantrums and wicked, nasty behaviours to come. It's tiring, conflict. So tiring. Get some sleep, hon. That's all I can offer. Anchor yourself and get some sleep.

Vic said...

Well acquainted with elephants in the room, and scary charming fathers.

Here's to the breathing room you need, and a peaceful heart.

Badass Geek said...

Marriage is not at 3 years what it was at 1 year. Life changes us, and that can't be helped.

Sometimes, though, the changes hurt.

BlondieLox said...

wonderfully revealing post. it must have been a relief to write.? my advice would be to look to the stars. nothing makes you feel more autonomous than the universe at large. it helps you understand that we are neither alone in life, or together. we are just experiencing existence with a heart. & if energy never ends, but only changes form - then you can possibly control how this energy between you and your husband changes in its form.

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." ~ Kahlil Gibran

That one girl said...

OH, it makes me so sad to hear of marriage difficulties! Boo! I agree with what some others said, stress is going to bring out the hardships in any relationship and taking time for yourself is a necessity! Also, the bi-polar thing has got to be hard. I had a roommate that was bi-polar and I moved out 2 months later, I couldn't handle it. I hope things start looking up, it sounds like you both want it to work and will do what you can and that is the best step of all!

Bird Bath said...

sorry to hear your are going through a rough patch. At least having your own corners take some of the pressure off...

with your level of self-awareness, I am sure you will be work out how hard you must 'fight' for your marriage.

My marriage also has passionate ups and downs,we got together at 19 and some days I wonder...other days I cherish.

yolanda said...

i do love you

Maggie Madison said...

I don't think we are meant to have profound agreement with our mates. I think the profound disagreements are what define our relationship. If they can be suffered/tolerated/withstood, then no split. God/Allah/Buddha/Gaia grant us the strength to survive these moments as a couple.

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