Things have been sandpaper between Mr. Curry and I. I won't go into it, because he's not the one deciding to expose his entire self in a blog, but it's not One Event that caused A Fight. It's more of a Series Of Unfortunate Events, if I was going to pick a fitting children's book title, that is leaving us adrift from one another. We haven't had an easy marriage from the very beginning. We've had periods of ease and lightheartedness, but between Mr. C's bipolar and business collapse, and my period of anxiety attacks and surgeries and ensuing medical debt staggering is not to large a word for the amount of money owed With Insurance we have never had a period where life let up it's relentless drumbeat how are you going to keep your house how are you going to pay for his new shoes how are you going to fix the car what are you going to do about the creditors there is no money for health insurance you are the adult make it happen make it better how are you going to pay the IRS how are you going to live
We are now at a stale mate of sorts. We could not solve the issues in conversation, anger and frustration on both sides bubbling over, and we seem to be coming from different sides of the Elephant lately. ' Hey that's his tail! ' I cry, ' No that's his EAR! ' he shouts back. So we are agreeing to focus on our selves for now, and let our relationship have a break, as far as the romantic. The practical, of course, remains and so it goes, the children still have us functioning without any noticeable problems, and I have actually felt lighter since we took to our corners to lick our fur. I have always found marriage to be both an incredible sanctuary and also a trap, not because of Mr. Curry or anything he does, but because of my own nature, temperment and desire to 'be comfortable' emotionally, to be safe- a feeling that has always been amplified for me since my childhood of a terrorizing father with a bombastic temper. My father was- is- a tall man, 6'3 and solid muscle, broad shoulders, a gorgeous man, actually, with a deep and booming voice. His physical stature combined with a volatile temper was terrifying, and years spent feeling afraid led me to what has been so far a continous need to feel safe. This feeling, this motivation, is what leads me to find marriage a cage at times- my own self, my own burrowing into the safety of love and it's harbor can keep me from moving forward. It is a constant see-sawing I have done in every relationship.
I have never known what is normal. I have never known a scale to judge myself, my behavior, my expectations, or a lover's - because the scale I was given was ill-tilted, and never suited for the human heart at all. Four years of therapy with an angel ( Dr. Thorpe, you are an angel, you know ) and reading countless of hundreds of books on human psychology and functioning, Life!, has helped me have some kind of idea how to judge myself, my behavior, my emotions, my thought process, but it is still very confusing when I profoundly disagree with someone. Not that profoundly disagreeing is easy for YOU. :) But maybe it is! If so please tell me your secrets.
Times are hard. I am keeping my head up and my heart open. That is all I can ask of myself.