Sunday, June 14, 2009

Home



The milk in my breasts is gone. My stomach is still unfamiliar to me, my body strangely soft and muted, like soil ready for planting. A kitten claws my toes. I cannot take a bath and I want to very much. I cannot have sex with Mr. Curry and I want to so very very much. He took me downtown to the Gaslamp District today for a food tasting tour. We went quietly from place to place, his arm around my waist, my hand on his broad thick back. I had a dollar margarita, then another, and then we were giggling and for the rest of the tour we flirted and kissed and bemoaned that we could not go home and tear our clothes off. I have to have my doctor appointment and be told when my body is ready for my husband. I don't know about my body right now. It is a stranger to me. I am exhausted. I am puffy faced. My health problems attached to Endometriosis have swung back into gear after being let loose at the gates with the miscarriage and surgery and blood transfusion and days of pain killers and little or no food. My stomach is swollen out in Irritability and I pop probiotics dutifully, take my Vitex to balance the hormones, the Fish Oil for it's magic powers, drink water, sleep. My face and gums hurt. I get migranes. My body is leaking strange sap and I am creaking along trying to nurture myself back to health. I want a baby so badly my uterus flutters and it feels as though our baby is still in there. I had a moment where I thought Maybe...Maybe there was twins? And they missed one? Mr. Curry's sympathetic look when I mentioned this was all I needed. I knew it was crazy. My mind is swampy. I am afraid when Mr. Curry goes to work he will die in a car accident. I keep this to myself. I am afraid I will not get pregnant again. Mr. Curry won't hear of it. We will, he insists, we will, and don't let yourself believe anything else.

We sent the kids to my mom's on Saturday. I was a mess. I could not think, the buzzing in my head so loud, a migrane, and exhaustion- my thyroid is surely all out of whack again, and I need an adjustment. Mr. Curry worked for extra cash and the boys were mercilessly teasing Lola, so I finally snapped and yelled at them how selfish and mean they were being, because they could see that she had no one, and Daddy was sleeping and I was hurting and they had each other and their sister needed their protection and ...and... Mr. Curry woke up, accessed the situation and got us all out of the house. We dropped Ian off at his mom's and L and D off at my mom's and went home and cuddled and kissed and I gave Mr. Curry a very good time for a wreck of a wife. We watched a forgettable movie and I mused on the guilt bothering my stomach. My kids, my kids, my kids...I called, and they were fine, fine. Playing with Grandma. Ready for bed. I'm sorry, I told them, I know I yelled, and I'm sorry. When they came home today, we all behaved beautifully all day. Dakota and I spent two hours bathing the dogs in the bathtub, ridding them of fleas. My back hurts.

I am home and I would not want to be anywhere else.
katiecrackernuts said...

You more than anyone kiddo.

Chaos and love said...

xoxo

krista said...

oh, my lady. you seem like a pretty amazing human being, i think. and i'm usually right about these types of things.

Lydia said...

Heavens, Maggie May, I wish you had prepared me when you left kind comments at my blog for the emotional comet that is your blog, has been your life obviously, since the month of June began. I've read each post, have had tears, been in awe of the way you express yourself in writing, and have escaped into the header at the top of your blog.
I'll stay there for awhile if you don't mind.....

JJ Keith said...

Though I am not a medical professional, and though I do not know you and all your particulars, I KNOW you will get pregnant again when you are ready. And I also know that a new pregnancy will not "make up for" this babe lost, but soon you'll be able to make this loss part of your story.

Hang in there. It will get easier.

Barrie said...

checking up on you. xo FWIW, at the time, I thought I would recover from my miscarriage. But ended up getting pregnant within about three months. It was a long pregnancy; I never really relaxed. That child is now 15 years old, almost 16. Please know I'm thinking of you. xo

Sharon said...

Just keep writing it all down because we are all listening:) Hope you start feeling better soon.

Beth said...

Feels like your body is betraying you, doesn’t it? Been there. It will all come back.
And you still have the capacity for laughter and love – that counts. Big time.

FrankandMary said...

You have an outsized heart & presence MM, and with Mr Curry(who will be fine)you will get thru this. ~Mary

Hit 40 said...

Thank you for a glimpse inside your thoughts...

Wonderful that you have so much support to help you through.

Betsy said...

I'm glad you found my blog! I've seen your name out and about blogland! :)

Glimmer said...

This is such a heartbreak I don't have the words. I am so very sorry.

Sandi said...

Your words are always so haunting and beautiful. When I see a post of yours in my readers, my heart leaps. Will I be able to read this while the kids are around, and before I drive them to school? Because more often then not, I cry while I read, and I take your words and thoughts with me throughout my day.

You are a beautiful person Maggie May. I wish you lived closer, I would make you be my friend.

Katya said...

your writing is beautiful. I am so touched by your words even though I have no way to even know what you are going through. I wish you all the best.

anymommy said...

Love to you. Your writing is so truthful, this is the most accurate description of how your body feels after loss that I've ever read.

Laura said...

Oh sweetie... I am so sorry. I know how hard this is, but things will get better. It may not seem like it, but slowly it will. I am so glad you and Mr Curry were able to go out and have some fun together and feel the weight lifted for just a little while. I hope you are able to find some peace very soon.

Annie King said...

Hi Maggie,
It's going to be rough, but you guys will cope. It sounds like you're coping beautifully, snapping when you must, apologizing later, and taking care of everybody, including yourself. Hugs to all of you.

Amber said...

Hang in there Maggie May...

BiblioMom said...

My heart breaks for you. I've been in your shoes and it nearly killed me in many ways. If you need a shoulder to lean on that understands I will gladly be a friend on the other end of the line. It took me 4 years to get pregnant again but I was blessed with another daughter at just the time when I needed her the most.

Vashti said...

Im glad you and mr curry got some alone time, it is so important.
Have a better week.
xxx

Cat said...

Thinking of you.

Patty said...

Oh my, my friend. I have been so busy for the past 3 weeks, I have not been able to do a lot visiting.


I did not know about your loss. I am sorry to hear about it, and that you are having such a hard time.

Sound like you have some great kids and a super husband. Count your blessings.

I so hope you feel better soon.

Hugs.

Bee said...

I'm so sorry that your body feels so messed up -- and also for your sadness.

It feels like a privilege to read your beautiful, honest writing, though.

Maddie said...

i have never been pregnant, so i've never experienced this loss, but your words really made me feel for you. i will keep you in my thoughts! things will get brighter :) you sound like an amazing woman and the fact that you are able to open up to complete strangers shows how strong and brave you are. your blog is absolutely lovely :)

Collin Kelley said...

These posts are very powerful, Maggie. Out of this sorrow could come a memoir that would surely offer comfort others going through the same tribulations.

Dana's Brain said...

We're out here and thinking of you.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Relax..heal..renew..
You have all been through so much this past week.
Your love shines through the sadness..

Peace - Rene

steenky bee said...

I'm happy you're home. I'm at peace that's where you want to be. ((hugs))

Woman in a Window said...

You are beautiful in your swollen face, in your aches, in your strenth, in your vulnerability. You are beautiful.

Quixsa said...

thinking positive thoughts and much love to you.

Just.Kate said...

It takes courage to be a mother, more courage to be a mother of many, and I can't imagine what it takes to go through this, and to try again. And I hope you do. Any child would be blessed to be a part of you and your family.

Jenn said...

It is hard because I so badly want to say something but I have never been through what you are going through so I have no idea what to say and I feel as if all words would just fall short. If I don't comment please know it doesn't mean I'm not reading & sending happy vibes your way often. You and Mr Curry are so lucky to have each other's love.

Little Miss Moi said...

Dear maggie. I've chosen a sad time to start reading your blog. I'm sorry, it sounds so painful, both physically and emotionally.

Vic said...

Beautiful, and heartbreaking.

Thank you for trusting all of us with this part of your life. I remember the place you're in - needle sharp and heavy as lead at the same time.

Dave King said...

It seems so trivial to say that it is a superb piece of writing, but it is and it made me feel for you. May better times be not too far away. Blessings.

blondie-lox said...

miscarriage is an incredible experience. i feel moved to finally tell my story. i still cry for my baby. still.

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