Thursday, July 16, 2009

things i've invented this week

tee shirt : I'm The Only Slut In This Town*
* inspired by Mr. Curry and my viewing, and ensuing flash of possessive jealousy,
of a hot young lady riding the back
of a fast motorcycle with tight jeans, a tramp stamp
and a black g-string
made completely visable by the pull of her rear against the denim
as she
hunched forward to hold her boyfriend as they weaved between cars

porn film : Highway Sluts On lonely highways, hot women in fast cars crash into each other,
finding in rage a new lesbian lust, tearing off each other's clothing and taking
each other on and in machines
* cars of use should be classic and tough, old Novas and Mustangs etc.
* also inspired by Mr. Curry and ensuing conversation after viewing
a hot young lady riding the back
of a fast motorcycle with tight jeans,
a tramp stamp and a black g-string
made completely visable by the pull
of her rear against the denim as she
hunched forward to hold her boyfriend
as they weaved between cars


creative art for daughter : make cat/kitten toys with various papers, glues, scissors and color
for our 6 ( Mr. Curry, your love knows no bounds ) Harry, Hagrid,
Hermione, Mr. Weasley, Bellatrix and Kagome

tip for not puking while cleaning daughter's prodigious puke from comforter 2am: close eyes*
* probably not invented by author

ways to keep husband happy after 7 years of marriage: love notes in red lipstick on mirror* creative use of new toothbrush and honey, kisses on eyes and cheeks*, jasmine
perfume*, cheerfully watching bad action movie on couch*, silence when husband
does not clean up cat poop in corner even after being the one to see it happen*
* probably not actually invented by author

breast milk storage: create a funnel on both sides of plastic bag for freezing, storing and pouring
breast milk so that those pouring breast milk into bottle for infant* do not spill
other woman's breast milk* on arms clothing or floor
* infant most likely screaming
* while author herself breastfed all her babies for 2 years each and completely
supports breastfeeding, author does not deny the gross factor in spilling another
human being's bodily fluids on her person, being that in our society we are taught
from young age that all human bodily fluids or excrements are disgusting, ie: ear
wax, shit, urine, yeast from infection, snot, saliva, mucus, blood, toe jam, etc.
Petunia Face said...

You are clearly brilliant. Russ Meyer has nothing on you! :)

Maggie Madison said...

Though I love the usefulness of the breast milk storage bags, my fav is the Tee Shirt: I'm the only slut in this town. Don't we all feel like the only slut in town once in a while?

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. Please- I would like to order one of those T-shirts. Sometimes (and bless them- they can't help it) the men NEED a gentle, subtle, and dignified reminder such as this one would be.

All This Trouble... said...

I was once given an awesomely decorated theme cake for a party that a woman lovingly made with her own breast milk. I kid you not, Maggie May.

I can give you her number.

Maggie May said...

NO WAY.

Nuh-uh.


No!

Oh my God!

Lindsay Willman said...

Thanks for your comment. What are you going to school for/when do you start back?

clarewbrown said...

Ha this is brilliant! Though I know nothing about breast milk, this post still made me smile!

Cheers,
C

iris said...

i want the tee shirt AND to recommend that you and mr curry watch the dvd 'deathproof' if you haven't already seen it.

tolerate the first part because you'll love the second part. really.

and be sure to wear the tee shirt while you watch...

Rachael said...

Now you need an agent. You are clearly onto something.

Lemondrop Marie said...

You really need to hit up the patent office- quick.
Clever- really!
I was not aware there was possibility of me NOT cleaning up all of the poop in the house. I think it's in my contract.

Miss Grace said...

Genius.

ButtonHole said...

Totally spectacuar tags on this post!


But are you telling me you got NO photo of the town's sole slut?

You are dead to me! lol

ButtonHole said...

more: what you say about our finding the fluids of others grotesque is very true, of course. And while our own fluids are fine to us (thankfully), most of us do come to realize that others don't feel the same way. With that said, I find the mother's milk birthday cake to be not only "ugh yuck gross!", but can only surmise that the maker was completely clueless in very UNcharming way. I can't believe someone would find that even vaguely socially acceptable.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Making kitten toys is always a worthy thing.

Laura Lee said...

More! more inventions!

So thoughtful and practical. Maybe the T shirt could come w/ the matching G string - with the caveat that "Tramp Stamp Not Included."

love it!

mcatgarrison said...

i think that the fact that you have "cleaning up vomit" as one of your search subjects totally wins. everything. balls out.

great post :)

The Audacity of Anna said...

Compelling.

As always.

FrankandMary said...

Makes me want to buy a new toothbrush and grab the honey out of the cabinet.
~Mary

Badass Geek said...

*shudder*

Toe jam.

Rachel said...

Hey, why didn't you honk and wave when you saw me on my boyfriend's bike???

PS Don't tell my husband.

Just.Kate said...

I think I can utilize every one of your inventions listed here. Loverly. Bravo! X))

Mwa said...

Very funny. Very very funny. I have a feeling you would quite like to spend a night with a (removable) tramp stamp, black g-string, jeans, boyfriend and motorcycle. This obviously stirred you. As it would anyone.

erin said...

My favorite thing to do is make up theme t-shirts for random people!

The lady with the breast-milk cake would have a girly pink t-shirt with puffy sleeves and it would read "Insane".

Dana's Brain said...

I'm in for one of those T-shirts!

And I'm freaking out about that comment on the breast-milk decorated cake!!!!!!!

That one girl said...

Haha. I remember my husband's friend saying how he has to close his eyes when he dips his pinky into the warmed up breast milk to test the temperature.

I thought, GROSS, you touch my breast milk???

Laura said...

Love the tshirt.. I would wear that. I would totally watch the porn too.

Maggie May said...

I think the comments here are better than the post!! You guys are cracking me up-

Captain Dumbass said...

Anything puke related is thrown into the shower and hosed off with the shower head with as little skin contact as possible.

the watercats said...

I always had a theory that women probably make better porn film writers than men.. it appears that I could be correct!.. perfect inventions :-)

Holly said...

not that you ever "left" but maggie, you're back!!!!!! :)

loved every word of this post, didnt want it to end!

Collin Kelley said...

I'll buy one of those tee-shirts. lol

katiecrackernuts said...

Um, I'm with you Maggie May - I is not eatin' the breast milk cake. Uh-uh.
Are you going to school?
You are the mother of invention. Hmmm, what have I invented this week? I had a great conversation in my head to the 20-year-old dependent about leaving her R18+ movies around for the 15-year-old to come home to. Was brilliant. Involved reporting her to commissions and such. When I started she told me she honestly didn't see the rating and it was recommended to her by her father. Duh. Have to alter my in-head conversation fast.

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