Monday, December 14, 2009

things you desperately always wanted to know without realizing it


1 At dinner tonight, Lola and Dakota were picking on each other. Dakota made a haha on Lola, and Lola paused. Mr. Curry and I looked up from our plates. Lola opened her mouth and said ' Dakota, I hope you get cervical cancer in your brain. ' ..... hm. Uh. Yes. Well. All I can say is that the government is possibly a little overenthusiastic in informing the populous about cervical cancer, without informing said populous about what a cervix is. Exactly.

2 When you pour bleach onto copious amounts of dog urine, the urine fizzes. And pops.


3 One of the secrets to happiness is champagne.

4 Onsies for Babies That I Have Created In My Mind:
Emotional Terrorist
Life's Been Good To Me So Far
My Mother Has Fantastic Breasts
My Daddy's Sperm Beat Your Daddy's Sperm
Someone Cut My Umbilical Cord And I Haven't Been Happy Since

De Je Vu: Old Soul's Club

5 Another secret to happiness: erotic French movies. Hm. The French seem to have a lot to do with happiness. While America is swinging more on the wildly ' nihilistic and empty ' side, as Joan Didion said. Speaking of Joan Didion, if you haven't read The Year of Magical Thinking, and you are a person who is alive and might someday die or know someone who dies, you want to read this book.

6 Christmas is about a Savior being born. I am not religious but I believe in living a purposeful life. I believe the deepest meaning we can extract from life comes from what we nourish and love, and how much we do so. I am thinking as hard as my little beady mind can about what things to do this December to give to the world around me. We bought coffee for the immigrants in front of Starbucks and I plan on doing so for the rest of the month. I even risked humiliation by using my subpar Spanish to ask ' Quieras cafe con leche? ' I started a fundraiser for a Visa Gift Card for a young married mother of two young children who is going to die of breast cancer, and we will be giving her the card soon. My kids are donating toys to Goodwill and will be each picking an act of kindness to perform. I have not kicked my dogs today, even though Wolfgang snuck on the coffee table while Mr. Curry was in the bathroom and grabbed the entire butter jar with his white Wolfie teeth and yes, you know, it's true- he ate the entire carton of butter. Mr. Curry came out of the bathroom to find Wolfgang looking slightly ill and also sporting a large white pat of butter directly between his eyes.

7
This.
svasti said...

Love French movies, especially erotic ones. Could do without the smoking, though.

Love the stuff you do around Christmas. And for those of us without a Christian bone in our bodies (shameless heathens that we are), I really like the idea of doing as many good deeds as you can. And definitely, helping children to learn these things, too.

Dogs. They may love you unconditionally, but they're bound to do stupid things like eating all the butter. Just because they can. They just don't have the same kind of self-respect that cats do... I love them all though, all the same. ;)

Vic said...

Marvellous post - you are right - I did want to know all of it, desperately, and now that you've told me... I realise it. ;)

Those onsies would be a hit. They'd also be on the news, what with the outrage, but that would only make them cooler.

mosey along said...

1 This is going to be my go-to insult from this point forward.
2 I totally want to try that.
3 G&T with fresh lemon
4 I'll buy the first and the last one.
5 Thank you. It's been on my reading list forever and I'm going to check right now if I'm up next on the library waitlist.
6 Agreed, wholeheartedly. And my friend's dog once ate (drank?) two quarts of liquid fat that catfish had been fried in and had to have her stomach pumped. Dogs are weird.
7 Wow. And I wish I could wear fuschia.

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

You made me laugh out loud. I'm glad I wasn't drinking something. It would have come out my nose.

CitricSugar said...

Lovely.

mames said...

I am having a third child so he or she can wear that last onesie. They are all brilliant. You must go into the trendy child clothing business.

Ruth said...

I loved The Year of Magical Thinking . . .

erin said...

I love the old souls onsie idea. I thought that Rose seemed like an old soul from the first time I laid eyes on her. Deep eyes man...deep.

Ms. Moon said...

Is it okay for me to be a little bit in love with you?

Petit fleur said...

You're a funny bunny.

Hey we had an Irish Setter that did the butter nabbing too. She ate an entire stick of the real stuff. Yecsh!

Love you,
pf

Erin said...

You're right. I *did* want to know this. And my vote is for "Emotional Terrorist."

jennifer said...

great onesies, i loathe most others!

Magpie said...

#2 sounds kind of like fun. but not enough for me to find a dog...

Nancy Campbell said...

#3--Amen.

Oh, cervical brain cancer is the worst. :)

Phoenix said...

I agree with your "purposeful life" comment so much, but then, you probably already guessed that. I bought potato skins for a homeless guy the other day, and my wonderful and sweet and above and beyond generous boyfriend who is also a cynical New Yorker could not believe it. He kept saying that it was an investment in time and money that I couldn't afford. And I looked my love in the eye and said that when we die it really doesn't matter how much time we saved up or how much money we saved up. What matters while we are on this earth is how much we have loved each other, in big, messy amounts, spilling out of our hands and mouths and hearts.

I think he finally got it. :)

molly said...

damn, this is good.
thank you so much for the inspiration, mm.

Ashley Hawkes said...

Awesome.

molly said...

you must make those onesies!

Angie Muresan said...

I want one of those fantastic breasts onsies just in case I have another baby. Heck, I just want fantastic breasts.
The French really know the meaning of erotic.
And yes, Christmas is about a Savior born.

Existential Waitress said...

Thanks for reminding me about that Joan Didion book - I forgot about how much I want to read that book. You really inspired me in this post - I want to do more to give to those in need around me this holiday season. We just finished donating toys to Goodwill, time to think of some other ways to give.

magnoliaamber said...

*clap-clap*
always very daring, Maggie!

Brings a good merry laugh to start my day!

clearness said...

Wouldn't it have been funnier to say this to a boy.... "I hope you get testicular cancer in your brain"....cause guys often think with their wizzer gizzers.

Love your onesie ideas. Gave me a good laugh and my husband enjoyed them too. Although, being a male who thinks with his testicles...I'm sure he didn't get the breast one being ...because she NURSES the baby.

Good post it made me laugh!!

krista said...

i'm going to start telling people they have cervical cancer of the brain. often.

Mwa said...

You are fabulousness. Bravo on the onesies and duh on the champagne and French erotic movies.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I know I sure as shit have not been happy since somebody cut my umbilical cord.

I love Joan Didion. She can write. Man, oh man.

ButtonHole said...

One of the funniest onesie quotes I've seen is:
"I wasn't born yesterday!......or was I??"

Lacey said...

I love every post you ever write. And just so you know, I'm really behind on commenting, but I'm never behind on reading. ;-)

Millie said...

I need to show my grumpy 'I Hate Christmas' MOTH # 4. I told him last night he needed to count his blessings, I'll remind him again tonight. These are great little gems - I've always wondered if it's true you can use Coca-Cola as welding flux? Mum always used this as an adjunct in her lecture to us about it burning holes in your teeth.
Millie ^_^

Naomi de la Torre said...

I'm going to buy all the onesies, just as soon as you make them. hahaha. And I love that your dog ate all the butter. My son did the same thing the other night. Come visit my blog sometime if you want! I love yours. organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com

Holly said...

i can read these type of posts all day everyday! real&true and yes they make me laugh ;)

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