Thursday, December 8, 2011

Grow Up, America

If Alec Baldwin can't get by on Sex and Awesomeness, then what is left for the rest of us Shmendreks to hope for? I wouldn't kick him off a plane. For playing a rip off Scrabble game on an Iphone?  I'd pat his thick thighs beamingly and ask him if he wants a vodka, stiff. It's Christmas ladies and gentleman, anyway- It's the Christmas season, fine. same/same  Either way, we should all lighten up. Light our menorahs, loosen our tightened, penny pinching grimaces that brighten into painful half smiles when we are being viewed. We need to live like adults, real adults, back when adults knew how to be properly adult: Drink, Screw, Entertain, Work, Family, Sleep. Repeat. We need more sex, more drinking, more sleeping, more loud sweaty working, more loud and obnoxious gatherings of people we aren't sure we really like until we're all drunk, checking on the sleeping kids down the hall nights! Grow up America; have some booze and sex already. Think Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Parker Posey. Think A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. Think True Grit.  Wrap gifts from the dime store in brown paper and string. Belch during Church. Play Christmas music. Play jazz, old swing, the blues. Unfold the Sunday paper and look through with your kids. Drink hot chocolate. Drink coffee. Curse. Give away the ten dollars in your wallet you were going to buy lunch with, and eat a sandwich. Invite your cranky neighbor over for coffee. Carol. Make an enormous breakfast and eat it with everybody while you watch cartoons. Stay up late making love and then shout at the kids to be quiet already while you try- and fail- to sleep in. Moan the state of the country over the paper and then cry with your hand over your heart while you sing God Bless America. Watch a sport. Play a sport, and spit, profusely. Hit your kid with a water balloon. Bring your elderly neighbors home made cakes. Bitch about your boss and your job, make circles with your thumb and thank God for your boss, your job. Wear belts, suits, dresses, heels, ties, and hair gel. Wake up and face the day. Pretend you are the one in charge, then hide and smoke a cigarette. ( you quit years ago! ) Break something and throw it away. Tell no one. Slap your significant other on the ass. Stop paying someone to mow the lawn and mow it yourself. Give toys to needy kids. Tell your kids to expect less and give more. Give money every time there is a box asking for it. Read grave, important news and pray, even though you don't really believe in praying and in fact, tell everyone you never pray. Spend time with your family, all of them, even the crazy ones, even if the crazy ones are your only family. Wear clean underwear. Brush your teeth twice a day. Swish with vodka, count it. Repent. Water things that need watering. Cook. Get a signature swear word. Wear cologne, perfume. Be gracious in defeat, humble in victory. Except for video games, then scream, either way. Play checkers. Drink while you play checkers. Have sex four nights in a row. The last night, get really drunk and cry when you orgasm. Tell your partner a secret, and watch it absorb into his skin and become part of the ties that bond. Watch his face transform, feel a love so powerful you close your eyes. Wake the next day and brush your hair. Scoot your kids around playfully. Smile. You have a secret. You are an adult.

Grow up.
January Dawn said...

I love it all. Now I must do it all. ;)

Melinda Owens said...

I just love you...this ones going into a frame. I want to have it around where I can see it. And maybe have a drink with it. Great writing and great passion.

Ms. Moon said...

Jesus Christ. That's one of the best things I've ever read in my life.

sweetney said...

I adore you. This is perfect. YES.

K Soucy said...

Awesome.

Steph(anie) said...

A-fucking-men

PalagiGirl said...

I love reading your blog Maggie May. :)

Cheney Giordano said...

Well that was awesome.

Mandaladreamer said...

This is great. I'm posting a link on my facebook page (not that anyone clicks on my links, but you never know!) Thank you.

Lisa Lilienthal said...

I found this today via Elizabeth Aquino and shared it via Facebook. Thank you for this live out loud manifesto (and I love Alec Baldwin, too).

megadena said...

amen.

Caroline said...

My 73 year old neighbor is my best friend at this stage in my life and I had the conversation with her the other day about how there are NO characters in the world anymore. She agreed. I mean, almost none --we both agreed.
It's like we are all becoming this homogenous, bland lot of folks. I mean, we can't even celebrate a baseball win without wearing goggles! Goggles! I mean, WTF?! What ever happened to being spontaneous! It's been years since I heard someone being called a "class clown" Remember those? Now they get detention.
This was so right on, Maggie!

Heidi said...

Well said! Love this post :)

itallstarted said...

Beautiful

Lo said...

I just found you via Mary Moon and, oh boy, am I glad.

This is a phenomenal post.......are you always this great? I will be back to check.

Love, Lo

CitricSugar said...

Alleluia and amen! Sing it, sister!

Bethany said...

You're so brilliant.

Ms. Moon said...

I linked you this morning, girl. This one is just serious good.

Petit fleur said...

So the party's at your place..?
I'm so there. I'll bring Vodka and a lamp shade. :-)

Seriously, this was perfection. I adore you.
xo

Zoey's mom, Heather said...

Came from my beautiful friend Elizabeth, early this morning.She happens to be my co-pilot or I her's, on each of our own separate but parallel, journeys with our complicated children.

I live just north of LA and have a daughter who was happens to have been married in La Jolla... Balboa Park actually. Gorgeous down there. Anyway, I have been back several times today to read past posts and wow,such amazing writing, such an amazing life you have. Beautiful and real. So much of which I could attach myself to. Present and past.

Thank you for this space and your writing. A true gift.

c is for cape town said...

so fucking fabulous maggie may! so very fucking fabulous. I'm linking to this all over :)

Diahn Ott said...

Completely, perfectly, brilliantly worded. I'm leaving to buy vodka, now...

Lance said...

*standing ovation*

Can I get all of this on a t-shirt?

well done, ma'am...well done

swonderful said...

we just want to feel things, hmm? that's what we're doing here anyway, isn't it? <3

Annje said...

Amen!

Amanda said...

Oh my god, I just totally fell in love with you.

Amanda said...

A to the men. And sex.

RottenMom said...

This is so damn perfect. I am going to decide upon my signature swear word. So many to choose from.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Awesome post. Love it love it. First time year, so glad I found your blg. I may have to stalk you now.

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,

I'm afraid I can't agree with you on this one, and we agree on so many things. I don't think to get drunk is to be an adult. In fact, I think there is a societal flaw that makes people think that all grownups drink, and that when you become an adult, it's a given, that that's what you do. Sex and all of life is so much better when alcohol is not involved. As for Alec Baldwin's behavior on the plane, I think it's more adult to obey a few simple rules that may or may not have a valid reason but it doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else to follow them, than to be self-centered and think you are more important than the rules, to the point of causing a disruptive tantrum, which is the greater infringement on everyone else's enjoyment of their flight, including the staff involved. So, to grow up, in my opinion, is to love well, to fight only the fights that matter, and to care about other people's feelings and the impact of your behavior.

anymommy said...

Incredible. Now, I need a secret and I want to have a drink with you.

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