If Alec Baldwin can't get by on Sex and Awesomeness, then what is left for the rest of us Shmendreks to hope for? I wouldn't kick him off a plane. For playing a rip off Scrabble game on an Iphone? I'd pat his thick thighs beamingly and ask him if he wants a vodka, stiff. It's Christmas ladies and gentleman, anyway- It's the Christmas season, fine. same/same Either way, we should all lighten up. Light our menorahs, loosen our tightened, penny pinching grimaces that brighten into painful half smiles when we are being viewed. We need to live like adults, real adults, back when adults knew how to be properly adult: Drink, Screw, Entertain, Work, Family, Sleep. Repeat. We need more sex, more drinking, more sleeping, more loud sweaty working, more loud and obnoxious gatherings of people we aren't sure we really like until we're all drunk, checking on the sleeping kids down the hall nights! Grow up America; have some booze and sex already. Think Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Parker Posey. Think A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. Think True Grit. Wrap gifts from the dime store in brown paper and string. Belch during Church. Play Christmas music. Play jazz, old swing, the blues. Unfold the Sunday paper and look through with your kids. Drink hot chocolate. Drink coffee. Curse. Give away the ten dollars in your wallet you were going to buy lunch with, and eat a sandwich. Invite your cranky neighbor over for coffee. Carol. Make an enormous breakfast and eat it with everybody while you watch cartoons. Stay up late making love and then shout at the kids to be quiet already while you try- and fail- to sleep in. Moan the state of the country over the paper and then cry with your hand over your heart while you sing God Bless America. Watch a sport. Play a sport, and spit, profusely. Hit your kid with a water balloon. Bring your elderly neighbors home made cakes. Bitch about your boss and your job, make circles with your thumb and thank God for your boss, your job. Wear belts, suits, dresses, heels, ties, and hair gel. Wake up and face the day. Pretend you are the one in charge, then hide and smoke a cigarette. ( you quit years ago! ) Break something and throw it away. Tell no one. Slap your significant other on the ass. Stop paying someone to mow the lawn and mow it yourself. Give toys to needy kids. Tell your kids to expect less and give more. Give money every time there is a box asking for it. Read grave, important news and pray, even though you don't really believe in praying and in fact, tell everyone you never pray. Spend time with your family, all of them, even the crazy ones, even if the crazy ones are your only family. Wear clean underwear. Brush your teeth twice a day. Swish with vodka, count it. Repent. Water things that need watering. Cook. Get a signature swear word. Wear cologne, perfume. Be gracious in defeat, humble in victory. Except for video games, then scream, either way. Play checkers. Drink while you play checkers. Have sex four nights in a row. The last night, get really drunk and cry when you orgasm. Tell your partner a secret, and watch it absorb into his skin and become part of the ties that bond. Watch his face transform, feel a love so powerful you close your eyes. Wake the next day and brush your hair. Scoot your kids around playfully. Smile. You have a secret. You are an adult.
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