The latest pretend controversy is that Alicia Silverstone feeds her baby Bear pre-chewed food. Could that sentence even LOOK any more anti-climactic? I shudder to think what the headlines would and could say about me were I semi-famous and Ever and I were scanned for weirdness by the paparazzi.
Here are totally true headlines from this family:
Maggie May Blows On Daughter's Vagina When She Has Rash! The Daughter, That Is! Having The Rash, We Mean! ( Not Maggie Having A Rash, To Be Clear!!)
I think if there are enough capitals and exclamation points the magazines and headlines believe we will just naturally fall into a a panicked state of disbelief regardless of the subject matter.
Maggie May Sucks On Son's Eyelid While Being Goofy! Funny, or Disgusting Beyond COMPARE!!!
Maggie May Wipes Baby Ever's Snot With Her Tee Shirt- While She's Wearing It! And She Goes On Shopping!!! Wearing It!!!
Maggie May Breastfeeds Baby Ever In Front of Older Sons!!! Normal Or Totally PSYCHO!!?? Are The Boys DOOMED?!! ( Our Experts Weigh IN!!!! )
I have chewed up Ever's food more times than I can recall. It's a totally AOCD (American Obsessive Compulsive Dickorder) thing to go off the charts about. One 'expert' here on MSN was aghast that the baby boy might GET HERPES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, from his happily married plant eating mother. As desperate and concerning as that possibility is, I think doing what hippies and farmers wives have been doing since the dawn of time will probably leave the chubby guy unscathed. I lick Ever's face, feed her chewed food, nurse her past one year old, sleep with her and generally love her and on her as much as possible. And for the women on Facebook's Jezebel page, worried about 'spit! eww! ' I'd like to give them a small primer including visual aides, on the enormous amounts of bodily fluids of all kinds involved in not only creating the baby, but birthing it into this world and then nursing the little person. If you are that worried about spit you might want to reconsider French kissing your husband who just spent the last hour eating a week old burrito and sniffing his pointer finger.
