Food consumed this weekend:
Doubleshot 1/2 caf. with soy
Kind bar (raw nuts and fruits)
Linguini with crab
1 stuffed small mushroom
Doubleshot, 1/2 caf. with soy
Egg and turkey bacon sandwich
2 black bean avocado and cheese burritos
1/2 a Pacifico
1 bag Oreo 'chips' (some Weight Watchers thing that is delicious)
Cup of Noodle
Rocky Road Ice Cream
So. Yeah. Pretty sure I'm not making premium breastmilk for Kinny with these ingredients.
Stress. Eating. Stress. Eating.
Lying in bed at night trying to sleep. Keep feeling like I have head lice and scratching head. I have no head lice. Give up. Turn on T.V. It's 2am. Ever is sleeping next to me. Lola is asleep on the small bed pushed up next to my bed. Mr. Curry is sleeping on Lola's bed in Lola's room. Turn on T.V. Realize You've Got Mail is just starting, feel tremendously happy. Love You've Got Mail. Perfect antidote to fearful, neurotic brain: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, snappy dialogue, sweet, New York, Meg's apartment, Meg's bookstore, the computer messaging back and forth, Parker Posey and Greg Kinnear as the nevermeanttobes, love. Tell self I will fall asleep during movie. Stay up and watch entire movie, minus a break where I spend 20 or more minutes searching for fleas. Find and kill five fleas.
Borax and vacuuming is working, yes. Downstairs for food, back upstairs. Read A Stained White Radience. Fall asleep 4am, neurotic worrying brain finally overcome with fatigue. Wake early, give baby to Mr. Curry, back asleep until 11am.
Ashamed to admit I watched half of Waterworld.
Watched three episodes of Investigates... and 48 Hrs. etc all which included brutal, in house murders.
Checked downstairs at 1am including closets and laundry room, holding a kitchen knife. Realized I was heading for crazytown and am not allowed to watch those shows anymore, indefinitely.
List of Worries
my sister Lura who I haven't seen in 9 years
my lack of job
babies crying in cribs and no one is picking them up
kids getting abused and no one knows
the boy who lives in my complex and is fat and everyone at his school is making fun of him and his dad said he tried to stop it/had meetings with school/nothing is working/son is miserable, keep thinking what can i say to him to help?
the Supreme Court and health care
my lack of insurance
Dakota's friend who I believe is very sad
the two women I've read about online in the last week who died of breast cancer and were only in 30's
babies throwing fits and people getting angry and yanking them
all the babies that cry so much at daycare and preschool because there are too many babies and not enough teachers and i can't believe this is normal/acceptable but it is
Then I start over again with my family.
This is the last few nights. Melatonin, I"m looking at you.
(Dakota made me say that)xo