To think about should and shouldn't when writing here is humorous. It reflects the embarrassments of my life, the things I feel shameful about, remorseful, resentful, uncertain, insecure- if I don't like to live it, why would anyone want to read it? And then I remember that for me, outside of connecting, the ultimate exercise of this blog is to tell the truth about my life. That is my touchstone. So to worry about what you might or might not want to hear is beside the point. This really isn't for you. It's for me. Flux isn't a product I'm trying to sell: this is my life. Blogs exist for many reasons and thank God- I love little slices of pie that are only sweet, no tart apple or cherry. Simply sugar and the beautiful rich colors of fruits and excellent eye candy of cut dough made into criss cross. I read blogs that are political, I write blogs that are completely based in fashion, I return again and again to certain blogs that reveal a charmed life- or what I would consider so. Good health, love, enough money, dreams coming true. Flux isn't about an angle or a book I'm selling ( though one day, I hope I will be pushing my novel here ) or about pleasing all the people any of the time. It's about telling the truth. Not every truth. I'm not insane, or selfish. I don't reveal everything, every dark crook and cranny and every heart and mind attached. I do reveal so much. And when I begin to worry about the tone here, or if you'd like to hear, one more time, about how bipolar is affecting our life, or really is another story of no insurance and bad health going to mean anything?- I remember it's not up to me to worry about the outcome. I just do the writing.
Ever since I began Flux Capacitor, I've had warnings of doom. Not one has laid out exactly what it is I"m supposed to be afraid of, just that surely, there is much to fear. You don't have to tell ME- the ultimate freckled, bookish neurotic- that there is much to fear. I know. I know! But telling the truth is the opposite of fear, for me, it is redemptive, it is clarity, it is having big brass balls, it is facing the fear and in doing so, realizing how often true ' there is nothing to fear but fear itself ' really is. Pema Chodron says that fear is a sign we are getting closer to the truth, and I know for myself this is often true. Many, many times I have felt great waves of blushing anxiety pressing POST on Flux. Revealing myself, and sometimes my husband ( with his blessing ) and in smaller ways, my children, ( also with their blessing, unless they revoke it ) has been terrifying. As a child I learned to keep my mouth shut. To protect the facade and embrace the moments of pretending, for they were gold and glitter and we could put them in our pockets to be looked at later, when the darkness fell. They sparkled forlornly. Nothing can replace the light of truth and nothing is more relieving than facing the truth after running from it. Hiding from truth is exhausting. I hid from certain truths for enough years to know the amount of energy it takes, and how corrosive it is to your mental, physical and spiritual condition.
What is actually happening is the cornerstone of sanity. At some point, here there or anywhere, it must be acknowledged and accepted to live in the real world. It is the way of the Buddha and why I love Buddhism so much. To be in the now, as Eckhart Tolle talks about repeatedly, is the way of enlightenment, the only thing that's real. Fantasy and escapism are glorious. Reality is transcendent.
After all the years here, nothing of any negative import has happened. Once, my son's friend made fun of him about a post where I wrote Mr. Curry and I had sex in the bathroom. Another time, my oldest son requested I stopped writing about him for a spell, which I did. My work found this blog and my boss and half the staff read through it. So? When it comes to the benefits of this blog and my truth telling, the list is much longer. I received financial help when we were most desperate. I have made close online friends with a few amazing, supportive women that I would have never met otherwise. I started my freelance writing career because of Flux, was asked to write at Huffington Post, was in an Ebook- will be in another this month. My relationship with my older children deepened as they appreciated the enormous amount of thought and effort that went into my decisions regarding their welfare, and in one of the most important compliments of my life, my oldest son said ' Mom? You are a really amazing writer. ' My husband has been an enormous supporter of Flux and this has strengthened our relationship.
To tell the truth is a subversive act. It always has been and continues to be so. This is why the ' who is the man behind that curtain? ' line from Wizard Of Oz has resonated throughout the years in our society: we all ask ourselves the question. We look at our President, the Pope, our Father, our lover, most terrifyingly, ourselves, and wonder: who is that person? To watch an episode of 48 Hours Investigates is to fall into the rabbit hole of wizardry and lies. Episode after episode, murder after murder, witnesses are interviewed in wide eyed confusion and fear, knowing ( and yet not knowing at all ) surely that the person they knew and loved could never have murdered a human being.
Do you know everything about me? Hell no. Is everything here the truth? Hell yes.
You can put that in your pipe and smoke it.