the trumpet of the swan

the nite-vines grow where they do,
through the eye socket, jam through
the white paperback tooth:
needle through thread, that easy.

this is how my ears fail
in thatch of old man overgrowth
this is how my eyes fail
slowly: dendrites and scattered leaves.

something left for dead, long ago
blown clear into life
with the hush hush reach of vine
jingling leaves; the keys snaking in pocket.

i am not afraid
i am terrified
i am all grown up
i am a child

i listen owl-like to the great white therapist
he offers his plan with enthusiasm
brown loafers kicking and kicking
myself in the smooth crib of couch.

hear hear, i turn my head,
see his instructions, and the vines.
my fingers swell, turn red
dip dip in turpentine

the darlings come clean and i am meaty.
the lovers make simple i make spider webs.
come see me in ten years,
i shall be a great vine covered castle

made for remembering, not living.
made for the deep pocket keys,
the child's sweat flinch hand
he smooth pages of map-books.

my keepers, my God!
why can i not just. just.
would you curl your mover's fist
round the trumpet rope in my brain?

my keepers, my godless heart.
here i am, replanted after all this time.
i thought i was perfumed against rape
and crimes of the heart.

come lick me clean, lover.
i'm not supposed to ask for a savior,
having no religion to speak of.
still the heart wants what it wants

i'd like you to save me. sorry to ask.

maggie may ethridge
july 2010

*Araujia sericifera- trumpet vines

oh the fun we will have

Family Night July 2010 After work we meet at home. Gather the kids. Listen to Lola be sad that the friend she spent the day with was catty for a few hours when another friend joined in. Lock dogs in kitchen where they might or might not urinate and defecate all over the tiles we just paid someone an exorbitant amount we could not afford but it must be taken into account we have never paid for this in six years of living here and have three children two large dogs and an assortment of cats to clean before Dakota's birthday. Make sure cats have food and water in sunroom. Head to Round Table, eat, talk and play numerous rounds of air hockey. I'm present. I'm there. I'm happy. We are all happy, from what I can tell of flashing teeth and open armed laughing. Within five minutes of leaving, I am crying, Lola is worried, Dakota is pissed off, Ian is whatever and I could not speak for Mr. Curry, who held his temper and his tongue. Instead of feeling upset, I felt devastated. Crushed. Doomed to live in a family that cannot spend a weekly night happily together without the glow of tv and computer or the ego boosting and life is exciting ring ring of cell. Also angry at Mr. Curry. We headed home, silently. I got home and began weeping and vacuuming, which now I realize is creepily similar to the behavior of the mad housewife in American Beauty and also reminded me of The Dishwasher's Tears. I served it's purpose, which was to hide my sobbing and to clean all the goddamn hair off the carpet from those goddamn fucking dogs- my thoughts at the time. Mr. Curry comforted Lola and then came in the sunroom to talk to me. By then I was sitting on a chair, defeated by the smoking vacuum. I sobbed, we talked, and then he listened for almost ten minutes. We gathered the kids and the dogs and went to the local park and played soccer. Twilight set in and we kicked on the enormous grass field with only the minor mishap of Lola's ongoing sulking, something she has taken to doing since she saw Ever on the ultrasound. Oh shit, there's a real baby coming to live with my parents. At one point I said to Lola in admittedly a slightly threatening tone: We are going to spend Family Night together miserable or happy- but we will be together. Dakota laughed in the distainful and mocking tone that teenagers perfect for honing in on their parent's faultlines- That is a terrible idea Mom. Well, I said, summing up what must be the reply of hundreds and thousands of parents on Friday nights around the world, When you have your own family, you can do it however you want.

wise up

i've got a crush on Mark Ruffalo

things you might quite like to be aware of in regards to Mark Ruffalo

apple : i thought of him after reading Rebecca's aha here

baby : he lives with his cool wife and children here

cool : he survived this

decadent : he is acting in this

elevate : he said this ...

Interviewer :You said that after you got sick you lost a lot of confidence. Did you mean personal confidence, or as an actor, and how did you go about getting that back? Does it change your perspective forever?

Ruffalo: Well, part of it is forever, but a lot of it I’ve gotten over. You have all these insecurities, like will I ever be able to act again… I mean, they were probing around in my brain, cutting stuff out. (laughs). You wonder if that will affect your abilities. I was literally falling down for months, the side of my face wouldn’t move for months, I couldn’t remember how to get home. But now… I actually feel like I’m a much stronger actor today. Obviously it colors your perceptions of mortality. You find out what you’re made of. All of my fears were survival-based and ego-based, and I guess that’s where most people’s fears are based—they’re “loss” fears. I felt like I was losing it, and then I realized ‘I’ll survive.’ And after going through that fear and living with it for a year, I had a different perspective. Certain characters I wanted to play, or going from a studio movie to an independent where you might’ve worried before that you’d be seen as taking a step down… Or if you don’t play a leading man all the time they might consider you a “character actor…” Oh, God, not that! Please don’t label me a character actor! And being apprehensive about difficult material because of how it might affect your career… All those crazy questions that go through your mind,I came to realize are just bullshit!

So at a certain point you had an epiphany that you no longer give a damn what people think—as an artist you’re going to do what you want to do.

I’ve gotten a lot less worried about it, I’ll tell you that. I just feel so much more free. I can happily defy the voice that says “You can’t do this.” You know, that editor voice. I’ve realized that I want my life to be my life, not my agent’s life, not my mom’s life, not my wife’s life—my life.

It Is a Truth Universally Acknowledged That Much of What Goes On Here Was Insisted On By the Mother

Poway CA, Community Park Fourth of July celebration


the band played ole American jazz


his expression speaks for itself. and it's not saying Happy Fourth


Mom. I can't believe you made me take a picture with that strange lady. Please don't ever do that again


Despite his vampiric name, he looks Team Jacob here


She's so lovely...Very Little Women here


Mr. Curry is such a good Daddy


I love my husband to infinity



this is the face that says i'm sixteen and i resent the paparrazi action of every Holiday and i will sit here and pose but i will not look like i like it

the local train takes off

List of Wonderous Happenings and Close Encounters

"The human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. that death doesn’t just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed."

— Mitch Albom

1 We have raised a total of almost 300 dollars for Kate Granju and her family. I sincerely and gratefully thank each and every one of you, for your generosity in a time when money is short for everyone. I am waiting to hear back for her Paypal account, and I will forward the money to her. I love you guys.

2 Brent King, Chelsea King's father, announced last week that his family is moving away to a small town in Illinois, where I believe they lived for a while before moving here. He thanked the community for it's amazing support. He also sent Dakota a letter, ( he had requested my Facebook friendship on his private account, I assume after finding my essays at this blog on his daughter ) at my gentle request, listing the 5 most important things he knows about being a man. I asked a handful of men I respect to do this, and the box holding the letters will be given to Dakota tomorrow. When the creamy white thick envelope holding Brent's words arrived in the mail, I knew I was holding a tangible representation of the greatness in mankind. I will never forget the integrity, love and soul of their family.

3 My favorite Nie in the whole world continues to break my heart and then put it back together again. She is amazing. That word is used lightly, not here- but seriously- look.

4 Our Ever Elizabeth is this exact size, according to my updates. I keep picturing her like this but with white gloved hands and arms, dancing.

ps

today we are pulling bushes and weed wacking and grunting underneath the sun. then possibly Mr. Curry and i will have ze zex, because nothing makes you want your husband like shared manual labor and sweat. or maybe that is just me. but it's always worked that way for us. also, the second trimester is working it's hormonal magic and i'm, as Ron Burgandy says 'skyrockets in flight'. in addition, i'd like to share that i am having bad pains in my abdomen from my endometriosis scar tissues tearing. and guess what? i don't care. because i am having a baby! i am having THE baby- my Ever.

on this day in july

Mr. Curry is making breakfast potatoes, toast (not for me, Gluten-Head), bacon and juice. Lola is watching cartoons. Dakota just woke up crying and shaking from a bad dream in which Mr. Curry and I were being total assholes. Mr. Curry, Lola and my pregnant self went to Starbucks this morning to get my Starbucks Doubleshot half-caf and Lola wore a brown newspaper boy hat and striped Boden shorts and looked like the complete wonderous girl she is. Mr. Curry is browned from working in the sun, despite my leaving the sunblock in the bathroom sink where he has to admit he saw it, and looks strong and muscular and completely sexy. He has the best legs ever. Let's just admit it. And that muscle that snakes from his shoulders down the sides of his back? Forget it. In a few hours we will stop by Target to buy Lola a toy she earned, and head to the local Fourth of July celebration at the awesome Community Park, just a five minute drive from our house, in which we will see half the people we know and get a feeling Mrs. Moon gets in spades in Lloyd but that is rare in big ole San Diego: community. Ever is kicking daily and I am finally believing I am going to be the most incredibly blessed Mommy on the planet and get to have this baby. Every day I love her more and can 'see' her more clearly in my mind's eye. I try to reach out to her with my cells, because they know her, even if I don't yet. Mr. Curry and I saw Eclipse yesterday, and I thought as I watched it that Ever is a terrifically perfect vampire name. Her name to me says newspaper reporter, artist, sharp eyed, opinionated, stubborn, dreamy, idealistic, hard working, intelligent, proud, huge hearted and private souled. We shall see. Ian is on a camping trip and Dakota will come with us to the celebration before leaving for a friend's house who has the dual awesome factors of 1 a swimming pool and 2 direct line of sight to the fireworks.

Happy Fourth !!!

say what?

Lola and I were standing in Coffee Bean this morning, waiting for my once a week and completely delicious iced vanilla latte ( CB makes the absolute best iced lattes I've ever had- rich and creamy and thickly flavored ) when she began to tell me in a loud voice- she's 8- that the left side of her nose was completely clogged up with hard snot and blood, and no matter how she tried she couldn't get it out. Lola, come here, I said, and she came closer. I kissed her on the mouth. Mom! You always kiss me for no reason. I said quietly, OK, here are the four things you never talk about in public...Snot, Vomit, Poop or Blood. She giggled. OK, Mom. I think the elderly gentleman trying to eat his bagel appreciated my efforts.

Like most happy children, Lola has no idea that the details of her life and thoughts are not completely interesting and appropriate to share with the general public. She likes to say in public, Mom, you know how I have two Dads? Or, Mom, you and Daddy make out all the time. Yes, yes we do. And I'm so happy we do. Not so happy that now everyone at my local Henry's knows this. Mom, Dakota doesn't smoke pot anymore does he? No, no he doesn't. And I'm so happy he doesn't. Not so happy that now the pharmacist down the street has this juicy tidbit. Mom, why don't you talk to your Dad anymore? Mom, I need new underwear. My old ones all have big stains. Sweet.

Ian and Dakota can be merciless in trying to embarrass me in public, but they aren't innocent offenders. Last week at the grocery store Dakota stopped and clenched his hands together, saying Mom, please don't buy any more alcohol, you know it's not good for the baby. I wanted to be appropriately disapproving, but I was laughing too hard. Ian has taken to begging me not to hit him again when I am scolding him. Mr. Curry tells them to stop, but he's grinning, so it's a non point.

You can see we have a sparkling reputation in town.
ps
Ever kicked Lola this morning :)

you guys.... are the best. here's why.

Because in one day I have already collected over $100 for Kate Granju and her family.
Because I spent today worrying I made a faux-pau in putting up my Paypal, that
people would be concerned I'd steal the money.
Because instead of people worrying that, they gave money, in a time when money
is short for everyone.
Because when Kate receives every penny of this money, it will be a way for us to say
that you are not forgotten, that your suffering matters to us.

I'll keep collecting until the end of week and let you all know the total.