Sunday, November 29, 2009

six vials of blood

A quiet and terrible stillness has overcome me. Mr. Curry went to Arizona Friday to Saturday night and I felt slow, slow. I played dolls with Lola in the bathtub. We were marine biologists discovering new crabs that lived between giant sea rocks (my toes).

Lola made her list for Santa and decorated the list and the envelope. She asked what Santa's cell phone number is, and could we please call him? I replied he's very busy right now. Lola Moon will be 8 this February. Can you believe it? No. We can never believe the passage of time happens to us. Lola had her friend Jocelyn spend the night and they shrieked and we made gluten free brownies and they made a giant art project magazine. The television was on for a short while. I could not get my DVD player to work for my work-out so instead Lola and I put on the 80's cable music channel and I danced around like a maniac for a half hour, remembering to include squats and lunges and horrible things like that. Lola said ' If Daddy was here he'd jump on you and kiss you all over because he loves you so much. You and Daddy just have that special something, you just fit together, I don't know Mom, you just fit. ' I swear that's what she said and it made me so happy.

I don't know what is wrong with me but something is.

I can think of a million things to do that would be fun but I don't want to do them. The baby was due in December and I can't be sure how much this is weighing in here. I miss my sister. I miss my gone baby. I can feel the weight of mortality and suffering from around the globe pressing me down into the dirt like a horrible gravity. Mr. Curry is home and that is a sanctuary. I feel less afraid of life and death when I am in his arms.

My animals have gone Bat Shit Crazy ( tip my hat to Ms. Moon for her phrase ). They are shitting and peeing everywhere to a point where I am going to sit and cry hysterically the next time I have to figure out how to clean up poop that is not only in the carpet but wedged in the crack between the moulding and the wall. Our kittens are striking against the cat box and although I clean it they prefer to find a corner of our sunroom and piss there, frantically scratching the nothing around the pile of pee as if to cover it up. Our dogs are very upset that Dakota is a young man and not around at times, and when he spends the night out they sometimes crap all over.

You can imagine that our house smells like angel's breath.

It is the cuteness of kittens and babies that keeps us from rejecting them when they are making us insane. I think this is also a weapon I have with Mr. Curry.

I sit paralyzed in front of this computer today. I am tired all the time and the doctor ran a bunch of tests and found nothing wrong so he thinks it's my medication and we should add another pill and I say NO. Not going that route. My right hip and butt-cheek hurt like small devils all the time now. It's been on and off since the baby and the last week it's been constant. The doctor says it's sciatica but I don't know. I worry I have another autoimmune disease because I have two already and that makes me much more likely to be the lucky winner of another. I have symptoms that flare and go away that remind me of lupus or some other fun game in my body but I can't prove it.

Neither can my blood. They took SIX VIALS of blood last time looking for problems with my personal factory but I came up at the top of my class so I am confounded.

I am writing my novel and I am terrified TERRIFIED it's trifling smuck and this terror makes the water freeze when it could be flowing and knocking down tree trunks and instead I get caught in the log jam with my arms broken and my neck in some crooked angle and I cannot write another word to save my life and this is why my novel is only a little more than half finished after three years.

Mr. Curry is the love of my life and lately I've been so ridiculously gaga over him that I'm pretty sure the Universe is going to make me pay for this kind of happiness and trust and devotion in spades. Plus the sex is smoking. SMOKING. Whoever said marriage kills sex wasn't trying hard enough.

I feel darkness over my shoulder and then when I look it leaps into my mouth and now it is inside of me and perhaps I am making myself ill. This time of year. This light through the trees. This cold wind. These rains. A wildness fills me and I need to be trudging through mud and rain and hungry and challenging my cells to cowboy up and deal with the elements. I am trying to volunteer at the old folks home where my grandparents stayed and died and apparently they are just CHOCK FULL of volunteers because they aren't responding to my application. Even though the last time I stealthily walked through the urine smelling halls there were rows and rows of old people with crooked faces and vacant eyes and trembling mouths who could use someone to hold their hand and talk to them GODDAMMIT. This kind of suffering is intolerable.

Mr. Curry and I visited his mom who had had back surgery and she happened to be placed in this same ' Assisted Living Facility ' and we visited her and as we left there was a elderly fellow in suspenders in his wheelchair and he looked up at our greetings to him with the sweetest, saddest smile you could ever imagine and both Mr. Curry and I smiled and him and touched him and walked away crying.

Some kind of force of Nature is moving through me and I feel like a boat sitting in a storm just rocking.
Katy said...

Try citronella oil ( 1 part) mixed with water (2 parts) in a spray bottle - it is meant to deter animals from using your home as a toilet. Sending you positive vibes & good energy x

Laura said...

I just wish I could hug you, and I don't even know you. I know words sometimes lay out there, all bare and naked...but yours sing such a sad song to me that they haunt a little bit.

Allison the Meep said...

I really love the way you write. It's so honest and sincere, and so relatable.

I hope one day my kids say that Wade and I just fit together...that's got to be one of the best compliments your kids can give you as parents, I think.

SJ said...

I feel such a connection with you, Maggie. I go to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my overwhelming fatigue as well...if they take six vials, I will smile and think of you :)

Anonymous said...

I like your description of nursing homes. Well, not like. But it's extremely accurate. I don't like going to them, but when I know someone there I can't not go.

Nancy C said...

Thoughts are with you. Your writing is lovely, and I would buy anything you put on paper. Even a grocery list.

Annje said...

I am drinking some good wine tonight and feeling lots of blog love. I love your post. I am totally with you the the marriage sex, together 13 years, married 8 and it's much better than before... my husband would blush to see this--don't show him;-)

Mel said...

I've given 8 vials this month, sure an AI disorder is wreaking havoc on my life, but nothing is revealing itself. I'm sliding down to path to acceptance as there seems to be nothing beyond pain meds or anxiety meds, and those I do not want. I feel your frustration and wish you resolution. I continue to be amazed at the complexity of our bodies and the paucity of our knowledge, especially where women's health is concerned.
Thank goodness for the love to get us through. Take care!

Maggie May said...

Mel and SJ I wish for us to have health in common this coming year!

For me eating gluten free is a big part of the puzzle. I am much healthier and less symptomatic when I do so. I've been 80% GF but sometimes it's not good enough and I just need to stop.

Allison thank you I am honest, if nothing else.

Laidback EXACTLY.

Nancy that is one of the best compliments any writer can ever get and thank you friend.

Annje blog love RIGHT BACK TO YOU.

Katy thanks, i will try that.

Laura glad to see you here and i'm so glad what i write resonates.

Ms. Moon said...

First off, let me say- that may well be sciatica in your butt cheek and hip. An accupuncturist may well be able to help you there. Don't assume it is something else. Pinched nerves happen from carrying babies, both inside and out. Also, our fears and our lives make us tired.
I know. I remember when I had two teens, a four-year old and a nursling baby and I was SO tired and the doctors couldn't figure out why. Guess? Yes. Two teens, a four-year old and a nursling baby.
And- your body is grieving for that baby who was to be and yet, was not.
I think all of this is very normal and that doesn't mean it doesn't HURT, it just means it will not kill you.
Love you dear...Mary

michelle said...

It's impossible for me to imagine that your novel is trifling smuck.

I think one of the most important things we do for our children is provide a template for relationships. And we can't take that lightly. Lola can see what true love and devotion looks like, and she knows it. Awesome.

I so know the feelings of fear and overwhelm and dark bleakness of which you speak. Those times when the sadness and tragedy in the world threatens to pull you under. Those times are so hard.

We should be able to have more joy.

krista said...

i just had a pelvic ultrasound done because i swear my girl bits are all janky. too much pain. apparently everything is in working order. it's like area 51 up in there. government secrets and pain.

and i had no idea angels' breath smelled like piss and shit but it helps me make a whole lot of sense out of things now.


nfmgirl said...

I hope you are able dredge your way out of the quagmire soon. As for the smoking hot sex, you two are an inspiration for married and single alike. I have no idea how you two do it, sleeping in separate rooms with the kids. I guess where there's a will, there's a way-- and you two have lots of will!

Maggie May said...

krista i am the master of knowledge about girl wanky parts so if you tell me your exact symptoms i bet i could be of some help.

nfm there is a strong will ;) also even when there isn't a will i just believe strongly in sex as a foundation for a happy marriage, so it is a priority to me. plus i'm a scorpio so...

ms moon well. thank you. i feel better after reading your words. big breath. you are invaluable not just at your home but here in the blogworld too.

michelle thank you so much. sometimes it does just feel like 'um helloooo is it supposed to be THIS HARD? '

Melissa said...

I love your candor, your honesty. You know, sometimes life is just the pits for no good reason. When that happens with me, it makes me appreciate the highs in life that much more.

Simply Mel {Reverie} said...

Your thoughts and feelings you write on your blog about every day life, worries, happiness, family, cats, dogs, etc. is book material. Seriously, you have the gift. Your words allow us to enter your world, to feel your pain, exalt in your happiness, and cherish your deep love for your family. My hope for you is that the final chapter of this year ushers in a healthier and happier year ahead.

Captain Dumbass said...

Just keep bailing, the storm will pass eventually.

Vashti said...

I will admit hearing about you and your devoted Mr makes me so happy that you have found him. His love will help you to get through the darkest and sadest moments. It also makes me sad as the one who is supposed to to that for me is on his way out. I feel the darkness and it is overwhelming.
Reading you post made me realise that we all deal with darkness at some point and all our dark times are different and very personal.
I am praying.

CitricSugar said...

Your novel will happen in its own time but I completely understand the doubt that can creep in at every single word. And god forbid anyone compliment something you've irretrievably decided is awful - you disregard all judgments they make, past, present and future, as nonsense! Your gift with the written word is obvious but sometimes discovering how to get out of its way is not.

And every now and then, you can learn to see sadness and pain as a small blessing. It can bring perspective, focus and a respite from the chaotic creative forces of bliss. :-) Regardless, I wish you solace and serenity - and for something positive to emerge from the quiet place.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a funk and hope that it will pass. Well, I'm sure that it will pass because everything does, doesn't it? As for your pain -- have you ever gone to a Chinese doctor? I swear it's the answer for unresolved guck -- the tiredness, the pain, all that stuff that checks out as "normal" is a constitutional thing and Chinese medicine is so good for that.
As for your writing insecurity -- three years isn't so bad! I'm not going to listen to you say anything negative about your writing because it's just so amazing and gorgeous and sexy and intellectual and original. I can't believe, sometimes, that you're not already famous, or at least well-known. Love and good vibes to you. Go easy on your beautiful self.

Mwa said...

One of my meditation exercises is to imagine you are a boat on a very stormy sea. Then you have to remove your point of view, as if you're looking from a hot air balloon. You go further and further away until the sea appears calm and the boat is just a tiny fleck.

I think it's bullshit. Never helped me in any case. But if some zen master thinks it's a good exercise, maybe it will help you.

Your novel is bound to be great.

Oh, and I have terrible hip trouble which my doctors keep telling me is nothing. Also the right hip. I've been told it's probably an inflamed tendon, and they can be inflamed for years on end. It's bearing the children, having the children and caring for the children taking a toll on our bodies. I'm always thinking surely it's something else as well.


Beth said...

Sounds like you're in one of life's withdrawal stages - fear and longings pulling you away/down - love and family urging you to stay.
This too shall pass...

Tonia said...

I just popped by to return the compliment and I have to say, I love your blog and the candid way you are facing everything life is throwing your way: sometimes it can feel like it will never stop. But it does.
Hope it stops for you soon.

Unknown said...

Oh sorry you aren't feeling well babe! AND, 6 vials is a lot. Last time I had 5 taken, my arm was sore for a week!

Lola writing santa is cute, but i have to say, I remember being that age and writing him a letter with my parents knowing he wasn't real. LOL.

Oh and yay for god sex!

ruthpclark said...

"I can feel the weight of mortality and suffering from around the globe pressing me down into the dirt like a horrible gravity." This is amazing, and exactly how I feel. I'm so glad there are more talented bloggers than me out there who can out things into words so well.

Thank you for sharing this.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I understand, Maggie. I sympathize. I feel a little weirded out and lost myself right now.

You are not alone. I hope there is at least some comfort in that.

Love, SB.

Lora said...

I know that maybe I should know what AI disorders you have, but it all sounds like fibromyalgia to me.

Ever been checked out/diagnosed.

It effing blows.

Love to you.

Angie Muresan said...

Oh Maggie, there you go and have me crying again. The problem is you feel too much. The ugliness of the world, the injustices, the heartbreaks weigh you down. Yet it is so much better to feel than not. It's what makes you the astounding, wonderful, loving, and talented person you are. Your kind are few and far between. I am privileged to know you in whatever small capacity I do, because I know the GREATNESS in you.
And don't ever doubt your novel. You are a poet. There is no truer writer than a poet.

justmakingourway said...

I love the line about your house smelling like angel breath.

I don't know, Maggie. I think we all have ebbs and flows in our lives that alternately provide us times of peace and times of upheaval. And we are left to ride out the storms - because that is what we do.

Phoenix said...

Sometimes your blogs are difficult for me to read because it's as if someone reached down inside my heart and started pulling up the strings and then threw them up against a wall for everyone to see; I swear you and I feel the same about a lot of stuff, you're just able to write a hell of a lot better than I will ever be able to.

So the advice that you didn't ask for is what I'd give myself: breathe. Slow it down. Live each moment, painful as it might be, before moving on the next. The words will come, the animals will calm down, time is not running away from you. I promise.

anymommy said...

I guarantee your novel is original and fresh and brilliant, Maggie, I just don't see you write anything trifling or smucky. I'm sending you warmth and strength and health.

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,

I've read your words and everyone's support. Your writing is beautiful and meaningful, and your willingness to lay yourself bare is "scary" to those of us who can't/won't. Always take care of yourself, and remember, you can't help everyone in the world. It's okay to concentrate on family and yourself; that's how you make your way, find the energy, and help the happiness to spread. There's a psychological term, I think, called "overidentification." I used to overidentify when I saw someone in pain, physical or psychological, and then I learned the catch phrase: "It's not happening to you." You can't take on everyone else's burden, but you can find your own happiness, and spread your insight and wisdom to others, through personal interaction and your writing.

You are a beautiful and sensitive person. You will always find times you can give of yourself to others, but if we think too much of everyone else's pain, we can't make it through a single day. Enjoy your blissful moments. Give yourself permission to feel unreserved joy.


Maybe, are there too many pets in the house? I know I couldn't keep up with that, without feeling extreme depression.

Lacey said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling so great. I hope it's just the elements, it seems like so many people are sad lately.

Lola is made of pure magic, I'm sure of it. ;-)

Collin Kelley said...

Sorry to hear about the pain and funk you've been going through. My fingers are crossed that 2010 will be a better year for you and that the sex with Mr. Curry remains scorching hot and the animals stop pissing in corners. xo

Petit fleur said...

Seriously Maggie, it sounds like you very well may have a tick born bacteria like Lyme. There are so many spin off bacterial infections that are similar to Lyme like Babesia and Erlichiosis. And they are so incredibly hard to diagnose/detect.

I strongly recommend seeing a Lyme specialist so that you are certain that you have the proper testing and someone with experience in diagnosing tick born infections.... It can't hurt to rule it out...? There are links to some really good sources on my post about Lyme.

If you ever want to chat about it, drop me an email. I hate that you are suffering.
xo pf

Zip n Tizzy said...

Hugs to you!

topsyturvydays said...

I am new to your blog. And very moved by this post. You capture simple life so vibraintly.

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