see my underneaths? how they smile and fog, crawl and leap

This weekend I've had possible miscarriage symptoms. I am realizing how deeply embedded it is, into my cells, the June miscarriage at 13 weeks. At work on Friday I felt a wetness in my underwear while walking, and such a fervor faintedness came over me I thought I might fall to the floor, the room muddied it's perimeters and I knew that I must be bleeding, everywhere, losing my baby. The white large bathroom, the toilet, the pulling down of my pants, every moment like the crescendo of a great panic. There was no blood. Nothing. Just a sweaty browed woman in her 30's with her pants pulled around her ankles and a shaking in her heart. I understood at that moment what I was doing, trying to have another baby. How I would keep facing this loss. How like a pool of water, I would find my hand reaching for what must be the bottom and realize the shadows were deceiving and my hand keeps searching.

Saturday after a birthday party and sun and laughter, Mr. Curry, Lola and I came home to meet Lola's best friend for a playdate at our home. The aching began, over but mostly above my belly button, and back pain. I rested. It worsened. Last night I was sure I was to miscarry. Just waiting for the bleeding. The pain wouldn't let me sleep. It washed over me and I woke, fell back asleep, on and over. At 2 finally I slept. Today has been much better. It could be miscarriage imminent. I could be having pains from IBS. It could be stress. It could be endometriosis scar tissue. I run my hands over the baby, which Lola and I are calling Biggie-Pea, as a Reiki exercise, as a prayer. I am doing everything right. I am fighting as hard as I can to support my body to hold this baby, but if it is not healthy and made for this world, then my body will let it go. I was blood tested Friday for pregnancy (positive) and my thyroid function, which I will find out Monday or Tuesday, so if that needs to be adjusted at all, it will. I am taking and have been taking prenatals and fish oil and B vitamins to encourage the healthy uterine lining and hormone levels. I am not eating any soy products (endocrine disrupters) caffeine or alcohol.
I am not eating any gluten. I didn't do that last time because I don't have celiac, but I read that even gluten intolerance might be linked to miscarriage, so I'm gluten free. I'm eating veggies and fresh fruits and organics all the way. So meanwhile,

I have to figure out how to deal with the emotional strain of spending nights in pain and not knowing what's going to happen.

Mr. Curry is doing all the weekend chores today.

My sciatic nerve is hurting. It runs like an electric wire through my tailbone and buttcheek.

Mr. Curry, Lola and I watched Where the Wild Things Are on Friday and I can see why so many were upset. It is, in my opinion, a wonderfully made movie, but took an entirely different tone than would be expected. It's beautiful to watch and dark to feel. Like life.