Sunday, November 14, 2010

Update From The Trenches: 37 Weeks Pregnant

Here it is, the final stretch, the final countdown- (duhhduhduhdunnnnit'sthefinalcountdown) and I'm pretty much in the same boat ( heavily weighed on my end ) as the other mothers-to-be at this stage who I've tracked down online. Huge. My hips are killing me all the time now, not just at night- but when they wake me up at night, it feels like someone put metal pins in my hips, and I turn over to the other side at which point sometimes I can fall back asleep, and sometimes I end up watching True Tales From The E.R. at 3am. Here's a farmer's wife talking about herself at this stage: Minimize, Don't Organize.

Details I'm Sharing Which You Might Want To Skip: the flatulence / the menstral crampish feeling / the painful Braxton-Hicks / the flipping and turning of baby, which makes me feel like I'm about to vomit from the merry go round / the anxiety / the major mood swings / the constant peeing / the strange and sometimes awful dreams / the guilt that I don't feel how I wish I could feel

Here is Lola: Momma are you OK? ( my response: yes ) Momma are you OK NOW?

Daughters are WAY too in tune with their mothers. If I have a flicker of unsettling emotion she's on it like replay. My eyes are soft and still for a half minute and BAM: HOW ABOUT NOW, MOM? YOU OK NOW???

NO!!! I"M NOT OK!!! I'm peeing myself and my hips kill and I feel like crying about everything and nothing and I have no sense of the proper proportion of things so the sadness I feel over Mr. Curry not bringing the laundry in for me like I asked is pretty much the same as the sadness I feel over my sister not being around for this baby AND I can't breathe properly and Ever won't stop kicking me in the vagina and it HURTS!!!!

I am aware of how I would and should and could feel. I would like to be immersed in graceful gratitude that I am as blessed as I know I am to be having this baby girl. I am so incredibly lucky to have my children and my husband and this baby right now and I know, as well as anyone...well, things I won't write because I am superstitious. But I know. I know I'm blessed.
I had a miscarriage last year at 13 weeks, I remember, Mr. Curry remembers, it was a sharp and awful pain to lose our baby, and we are. very. blessed. ( poor. we live in California and are in medical debt up the wazoo, and i'm on disability. but blessed. )

And still, I can't feel it. I can think it. I can know it. But right now, I'm not feeling it. It doesn't even seem real, yet. She moves inside of me, I can feel her entire body rotating, and still, I can't grasp that any day now, she will actually be here, an entire baby, OUR baby, for real. Mr. Curry and I had the night alone last night- well, from 5pm to 8:30pm. So we went out to dinner and shared fries and sat and tried to get our minds around what was coming. At home we watched Dexter until Lola came home. Mr. Curry read her Harry Potter while I cleaned up dog pee and washed dishes, and then I read her one book, and then Mr. Curry rubbed my feet for what felt like a fabulous eternity and then I scratched his head until I fell asleep sitting up, watching Saturday Night Live. It was the most relaxing night I've had in a while, and I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. Awesome.

I keep feeling like we should be having sex every day. We aren't going to be able to have sex for weeks and weeks after. I have a rule about this which is a theory I have had passed on to me about how to keep your lady parts ship shape. This means no sex for a few months. But sex ( Beavis and Butthead laugh here, I said but sex ) is ridiculous and frustrating. I know other women feel all bawchicabawbaw when pregnant, but not me. I feel kind of ... weird, with this ginormous baby flickering her guppy flickers in my belly while I get down with her Father. I can't really immerse myself in the moment like I usually do. Plus my arms start quivering when I have to hold any kind of pressure, and I get leg cramps and foot cramps the second I get close to blasting off, and my back hurts, and I can't breathe half the time because of the pressure on my chest, and I feel geriatric.

I'm so ready.


I'm as ready as I could be.

That's more like it.
Ms. Moon said...

Yes. All of it. I remember.
So beautifully said, Maggie.
It is no easy thing to bring life to this earth.
Soon. Soon.
That life will be visible and in your arms and that will be another sort of joy and pain too. It never ends. Either one.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Rebecca said...

My husband and I have a Queen Anne bed and since he's somewhat shortish all I needed to do was lay down with my hips on the edge of the bed and he just....walked right on work on my behalf. There were times I thought about napping while he did his thing.....ha ha ha.

Petit fleur said...

Hey Maggie

Yes, momma, you do sound ready!

My hub and I were just talking about when I was preg, and I used to have to use my rod iron headboard/bedframe (whatever) to hoist myself out of bed to pee every 2 minutes at the end there. If I had not had that bed, I probably would have needed a crane to get me out!

Hang in there, you're in the home stretch.

37paddington said...

oh my god that is so exquisite, lola so tuned in to your every flicker of expression, caring so much for her mama. now? are you okay, now? I love her! yes you are blessed, maggie may.

and my word verification is kises!

hugs, too.

ruthpclark said...

Oh Maggie, you have such a sincere talent for talking these things out.

Even if you're not feeling the feelings that you think you should be feeling, even if you're only getting these thoughts out of your head and onto the screen, you're doing exactly what you're meant to be doing, I think.

Best wishes for you and Ever and your beautiful family.

Tricky said...

All the messy parts at the end- le sigh. It is hard, what you're doing, so be kind to yourself. And invest in good sturdy pillows for propping...ummmm...."things" up?

Mel said...

You're so close, hang in there. With my second, I was 37 and I felt so old, creaky and coming apart at the seams. Every bone in my body ached and toward the end I thought a walker in the bedroom would be great for the all night pee show. I told my husband I knew what 80 was going to feel like. You'll be your old self again soon enough, and you'll have another beautiful daughter to help you forget these last difficult days. Take care!

Shaista said...

Yaaayyyy!!! Nearly there :)
I have a few lines of knits left on my baby blanket... I am knitting for a baby boy, who is a long way from being born, but I think of Ever and her wonderful mother as I knit and weave in all magic for you both, for you all...

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,
You're not geriatric- just tired. There's no "shoulds" when it comes to sex; if it feels good, do it- but cuddling is more important at this stage, and getting plenty of rest. You don't need to have sex at all in these final weeks. Lola is so sweet, and intellectually, like you said, you know you are lucky, and blessed. Your emotions are bound to be raw, and every little sadness is symbolic. Maybe feeling a little nothing sometimes is a way to get a break. The true joy and happiness will arrive. I'm glad you got a good night's sleep, and a little "alone" time with Mr. Curry, just to talk and be together. Eye contact, foot rubs and hand holding can be just fine.

Sabine said...

I like that word.
A lot.
Now what shall I do with it.
And: Keep breathing, you'll be fine. Bodies can do wonderful things.lacarpar

Ida Mae said...

Can.not.wait! For you and Mr. curry and your family to meet your Ever!

Mwa said...

You seem to be feeling exactly how you should be feeling, and how I was feeling three months ago. Hold on and try to enjoy the last few bits of peace!

(I was pissed off because pregnancy took away my orgasms. That sucked.)

Middle Child said...

Hm I remember all of this - and they are 36 and 33 respectively - all the best honey

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