Sunday, May 1, 2011

And I'm Like, F**k You, and F**k Him Too

I love that the word belonging has longing, sewn in stoutly so you can feel it like Braille letters.

There is an accumulation of small looks and noises and gestures that can crush my spirit.  Being interrupted by three different people in a small span of time, being cut off and not returned to,  then wondering if I'm invisible to people. Can you hear me? Or  a conversation where after I speak the person leaves a mushed up, strange mouth and eye on their face that communicates some secret thought about what I am saying and I can't stop obsessing on what the hell are they thinking? What could I have possibly said to leave that mess on their face? A round-table talk where everyone is speaking up and I pipe in and am talked over, without a glance backward. I try not to cry. I feel ridiculous for being so upset and angry at the same time. I'm walking across the street and a woman cuts me off, zooms by LAUGHING.  When people are curt, mean spirited, disconnected or thoughtless I am not surprised that they are- we all can be- but that they don't follow up. Where is the quick sorry I was rude the other day? Or man i've been stressed out lately, gee sorry about xyz. Why don't people care? Don't they want to be cared for, to care about? Don't they want community? 

 Mr. Curry doesn't spend time wondering about people. He stays focused on our family. I the kind of person who looks for comfy nests of belonging everywhere I go, even the local Starbucks. I like friendliness, talk about daily going ons, quick laughter, sympathy for a bad day, the small shares of life that grow into an actual friendship before you've realized it. That's what community means to me. Oh my God.*

I am too fragile at times. It's not very grown up to have days where I mope about feeling upset at the world and listing unjust hurts in my mind.  Instead of being sad, I'm going to get REALLY PISSED OFF IN A MINUTE.

1 Guy at the Greek restaurant, you made me wait for forty minutes for food that should have taken ten, with a baby in my arms, and acted like you couldn't see me when I tried to gesture to you. I was late to work because of you, and you wouldn't even replace the bread I can't eat with fries.  I'm like, f**k you, and your Greek food too.

2  Girl at the Starbucks who gave me a mean look and then turned with your back to me after we were discussing babies and I said, in response to your question, that I sleep with my girl and nurse her at night, I'm like f**k you and your fake tits too.  And yes, your husband DID just check me out. Sorry bout your choice in men.

3  Woman at the frozen yogurt shop who made fun of me in a very unfriendly manner, a paying customer, because I counted my change wrong, I'm like f**k you and your salmonella ridden store too.  And by the way, you are out of chocolate. Ha! Showed her.

4  Man in the park who bumped your bike into my stroller and then stared at me as I apologized ( um, scary, that's why I apologized ) and went into the street to go around you, f**k you and your little bike too.

5   Parent of an friend of my daughter who lectured me (as I stood with my foot in my mouth) about the dangers of co-sleeping and how you could never imagine nursing so long ewww disgusting, I'm like f**k you and your pinched face too.  May your children refuse to sleep and may your youngest not potty train until five. 

" ain't that some shit " Why yes, Cee-lo Green, it is.

 I'm tired of understanding that people are having bad days. The next person who is an asshat to me is going to come to the quick understanding that I have bad days too.
It's more Anne of Green Gables than Anne in Rainbow Valley.  But I feel better now! :)

* embarrassing side effect of parenthood is that i say things like 'that's what community means to me'
No, this was not the beginning of a third grade essay from Mrs. Pike, but my little ego and feelings getting all wadded up in the panties 
Elizabeth said...

I adore this and you. I wish I could spend an afternoon with you -- either a good day or a bad -- because if it were a good day, well, that would be wonderful, but if it were a bad, we could be nasty to everyone and laugh together!

37paddington said...

My husband is like Mr. Curry. All this stuff stays totally outside of him. Lucky them. But you and me, we have no skin. The slights march right on in and try to act like they can make a home in us, eating us from the inside out. Good for you evicting them all. Now you can get on with having a better day!

And by the way, your baby girl is soooo gorgeous. I adore watching her grow.

ruthpclark said...

I'm currently sitting in Starbucks, and like you, get too involved with what others around me are thinking or how their faces look after they look at me or how nicely the barista hands me my drink (or not). Sigh. But, you're not the only one!

Julia said...

Nah. You'll never change'em if you become like'em. Just whisper a quiet blessing on them, instead.It's actually much more satisfying.

annton said...

Seems to be one of these days, all over... how good this was to read. Greetings from Berlin, let us be proud about our soft skin. It makes us what we are!

I'm Katie. said...

I'm getting acupuncture and herbal supplements and starting yoga again to get my skin back. How deeply I can relate, both to the sensation of "Everyone be nice to meeeee" and the exasperation with recognizing how silly it is!

I look for friendship is every face, and most faces are (xyz-not receptive) and it's like a slap every time. Oh, sigh, ow.

(ex: I'm trying to study in a coffee shop as I type this, but I'm too miffed at the unresponsive, rude barista to concentrate.)

Drax said...

MM, I used to write very exacting descriptions of vengeance. Very.

Kiss for strength, and I'll steal a second cause you're hot.

Mwa said...

Um I have to disagree with Julia and go with your rant. Sometimes it's very satisfying to get very very pissed off. Doesn't even mean you have to shout at people, but you can still be angry. I get hurt as well when I can't get angry at complete tossers.

I will add one of my own as well; stupid woman in a shop - I dropped a jar bringing it down from the till to put under the buggy because people couldn't give me a second to put it away and everyone was pushing past. She was really rude. I offered to clean it up, but she just about evicted me.

Evangeline said...

Aw, the Anne reference at the end sewed it all up for me! :) I guess I am more of Mr. Curry's ilk, just concentrating on my own. Early on I learned not to expect anything different than being an outsider. The "race that knows Joseph" were so few and far between, and I was and am a little odd, a little awkward, and slow to warm. So those times when I do find a little warmth of belonging and community outside my own carefully constructed nest never fail to surprise (and delight) me. All the rest of the rudeness, or dismissiveness, or unfathomable faces of could be disdain, could be heaven knows what, still sting at times...but I have gotten awfully good at ignoring.

Hannah Stephenson said...

Sounds like you feel better now :).

Melinda Owens said...

I love this post, too! Sometimes it DOES feel good to get angry instead of feeling like you've been dumped on repeatedly. So, I'll join with you and, to the lady in Target who rolled her eyes at me when I warned her about the broken egg in the middle of the aisle, F**k You and your hideous, glittery Ed Hardy shirt. HeeHee...that did feel good.

Allison the Meep said...

I can so relate to this. I have such a thin skin when it comes to rudeness in interacting with the public. It seems like people have no manners at all and treating fellow humans with simple decency is too much. I realize that makes me sound like a cranky 80 year old woman, but I go out to do errands and come home sometimes so angry that the world is so full of assholes.

Fuck 'em all.

This concludes my hateful rant of the day.

Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, except that it makes life harder to get through sometimes.

People are insensitive because they don't know any better and no one has taught them any differently.

They don't understand that the seeds of their anger and frustration are violence. A few more paces down that road and it becomes aggression, perhaps physical aggression.

This is also why it hurts so much. They might not be punching you in the face literally, but certainly metaphysically and energetically.

You're sensitive to these things, so you get that more than other people.

I know how that is.

So to vent, yes, that's a good thing. And this is certainly a safe place for it! :)

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,
Sometimes they are in the wrong, and it's okay to vent. I'm always the nice one, too; and sometimes I get "stepped on." It hurts, but we move on. Some people really are assholes. Sending love, and hugs.

Caroline said...

I'm especially aggravated by the woman who turned her back on you when you were telling her about nursing/co-sleeping. *UGH* I have run into this person before and they are the worst.
You are doing the best thing for Ever right now and I know you know that.
I chuckled at some of these because I've had similar things happen to me and I felt the same way. Especially on a bad day!
Sending love your way.

Magpie said...

A rant's a good thing now and again. So's a little Cee Lo.

Petit fleur said...

Man, I thought people in Cali were supposed to be easy going? The meanies you described sounds more like Newark! (Well, any real big city full of grumpy commuters.)
xo I hope you are treated more nicely the rest of the week and always.

Traci W. said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel the exact same way. I just don't understand why people are so rude and disrespectful to others and then they come unglued if someone does the same to them. You are a wonderful person and mother and to hell with all of the haters.

tea said...

Maggie May- I have been reading your blof for a while now. This is the first time I have left you a comment. I know how you feel about this sometimes. This morning I went to pay for a surgery my young son has to have next week. His insurance is so expensive and I have other financial responsibilities, like most parents do. So, money for me is super tight. In order to pay for the surgery, which of course the doctor required payment in full before the surgery, I had to use three different credit cards. It was such an embarrassing experience. With a line of parents behind me I handed the receptionist my three cards and told her I would need to split the payment between the three cards. The receptionist responded "Boy, you sure are maxing everything out, aren't you" She kinda chuckled and then went about swiping my cards. It was terrible and hard for me to shake it off. I appreciate your blog so much. Thank you.

mosey (kim) said...

People irk me. I love 'em, but they irk me.

Maggie May said...

Tea thank you so much for that.

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