And I'm Like, F**k You, and F**k Him Too

I love that the word belonging has longing, sewn in stoutly so you can feel it like Braille letters.

There is an accumulation of small looks and noises and gestures that can crush my spirit.  Being interrupted by three different people in a small span of time, being cut off and not returned to,  then wondering if I'm invisible to people. Can you hear me? Or  a conversation where after I speak the person leaves a mushed up, strange mouth and eye on their face that communicates some secret thought about what I am saying and I can't stop obsessing on what the hell are they thinking? What could I have possibly said to leave that mess on their face? A round-table talk where everyone is speaking up and I pipe in and am talked over, without a glance backward. I try not to cry. I feel ridiculous for being so upset and angry at the same time. I'm walking across the street and a woman cuts me off, zooms by LAUGHING.  When people are curt, mean spirited, disconnected or thoughtless I am not surprised that they are- we all can be- but that they don't follow up. Where is the quick sorry I was rude the other day? Or man i've been stressed out lately, gee sorry about xyz. Why don't people care? Don't they want to be cared for, to care about? Don't they want community? 

 Mr. Curry doesn't spend time wondering about people. He stays focused on our family. I the kind of person who looks for comfy nests of belonging everywhere I go, even the local Starbucks. I like friendliness, talk about daily going ons, quick laughter, sympathy for a bad day, the small shares of life that grow into an actual friendship before you've realized it. That's what community means to me. Oh my God.*

I am too fragile at times. It's not very grown up to have days where I mope about feeling upset at the world and listing unjust hurts in my mind.  Instead of being sad, I'm going to get REALLY PISSED OFF IN A MINUTE.

1 Guy at the Greek restaurant, you made me wait for forty minutes for food that should have taken ten, with a baby in my arms, and acted like you couldn't see me when I tried to gesture to you. I was late to work because of you, and you wouldn't even replace the bread I can't eat with fries.  I'm like, f**k you, and your Greek food too.

2  Girl at the Starbucks who gave me a mean look and then turned with your back to me after we were discussing babies and I said, in response to your question, that I sleep with my girl and nurse her at night, I'm like f**k you and your fake tits too.  And yes, your husband DID just check me out. Sorry bout your choice in men.

3  Woman at the frozen yogurt shop who made fun of me in a very unfriendly manner, a paying customer, because I counted my change wrong, I'm like f**k you and your salmonella ridden store too.  And by the way, you are out of chocolate. Ha! Showed her.

4  Man in the park who bumped your bike into my stroller and then stared at me as I apologized ( um, scary, that's why I apologized ) and went into the street to go around you, f**k you and your little bike too.

5   Parent of an friend of my daughter who lectured me (as I stood with my foot in my mouth) about the dangers of co-sleeping and how you could never imagine nursing so long ewww disgusting, I'm like f**k you and your pinched face too.  May your children refuse to sleep and may your youngest not potty train until five. 

" ain't that some shit " Why yes, Cee-lo Green, it is.

 I'm tired of understanding that people are having bad days. The next person who is an asshat to me is going to come to the quick understanding that I have bad days too.

It's more Anne of Green Gables than Anne in Rainbow Valley.  But I feel better now! :)

* embarrassing side effect of parenthood is that i say things like 'that's what community means to me'
No, this was not the beginning of a third grade essay from Mrs. Pike, but my little ego and feelings getting all wadded up in the panties