Monday, November 17, 2014

the work around

Spent the day is a fog of pain. A grief haze for the cells, where you look up from the computer- where I work- and there is a bird in the bird feeder that Ever and I filled together yesterday, and that yesterday is a long way away, many more hours than 24. Pain extends time just as a human body on a rack. It pulls each second, micro-second, to its fullest being and ejects it balloon like with sensation so that the outer layer of cellular makeup shimmers with an energy just barely- but not all the way- contained. My lower right back, something there- something awful, or something pedestrian, I don't know. I will wait for insurance, soon! and then, maybe, an ultrasound, an x-ray.

Ailments As Possible Cause For This Lower Right Back and Groin Area Pain:

endometriosis scar tissue and lesions
kidney illness
intestinal blockage
deep muscle injury

I don't think it's muscular. It feels embedded, like a tick in my organs, just as swollen, hot and immobile.

The top right of my buttcheek went freezing cold. This means pressure inside.

Five Advil and a small relief. I am whitish in color and look exhausted. I feel the pinched lips of a person with chronic pain, the way I hold my body parts carefully and tightly in particular to the proximity of their space to the injured area, the way our family works around Mr. Curry right now, so unavailable, withdrawn, angry, stamped clear of emotion or empathy. Life has always required this of me, not in self pity, but just truth, I have never had a free place to breathe. At first, this happened to me, then I created it myself, again and again, like people do. 

The worst of pain occurs for me when I am unable to weep. Rage builds inside of me as damaging and futile as scar tissue encases the dried up lesions of disease across my abdomen. I ran four miles last night and finally during the third mile, I cried and cried and cried. It was pitch black and cold and the only witness were the robotic faces of cars flying by, headlights moving over me in a hot flash and then gone. I cried until I was less angry, and then I woke in the middle of the night, clutching my side and back in pain. Today I ate very little and breathed deeply and worked and took my girls to do the grocery shopping and I am going to by a heating pad and wrap it around my waist and back and put that baby to sleep. In the morning I will wake and do the things that mothers do and make as little as room as possible for the pain, not wanting to encourage her to stay.

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