Even Assholes Were Babies Once

This morning I woke up and put the girls in the car and drove Lola to school, per usual. And as usual, at some point, someone was an asshat on the road. This particular someone happened to be driving a large jacked up truck, Hispanic, wearing sunglasses and a white sleeveless tee and had a handlebar mustache. I looked at him as he took my turn at the four way stop and suddenly, there he was, a big bobbling, crying baby head with a handlebar mustache, driving a truck! 

I decided that for the rest of the day, everyone who annoys or insults or otherwise displeases me is going to instantly- a la Ally McBeal- be changed into the bobble-headed crying baby version of themselves. 

What are you doing today?

The Internet Just Erased My Memory

I changed comments to Disqus, as you all know, and it seems to be working, yay! BUT. It also has erased every single comment ever left on my blog. I actually feel like crying. Some of the pieces I wrote that were extremely personal had an amazing number of comments that were packed with some of the best encouragement and advice I've ever been lucky enough to receive.

Does anyone know of any way to get them back?

I'm going to try to contact someone at Disqus.

wedding by the lake part 2

-these last two pictures are not mine, a friend of taymar's took them xo

a wedding by a lake part 1

Sleeping In The Dark

Over the weekend we were gone to the mountains and the lake and the place where the wild things go and the humans follow, where there are trees dripping into the shores of the shimmering lake and thick husks of rope hanging to swing into the water and splash next to the orange and yellow fishes. One of my dearest friends got married there, and I will soon regale you with that story, and the gorgeous pictures of really the most magical wedding I've ever attended. Clue: the invitation said Dress: Forest Elegant.  I'll have to also tell you what kind of person this woman is- the kind who when planning her wedding thought about how expensive it would be for everyone to drive or fly in and do the normal wedding tromp, and so planned a wedding where literally our only expense was the gas to drive there and back. Lola was a fairy flower girl and not only was her dress made and ready for her, so was a crazy gorgeous flower wreath for her head. My friend is a mad fairy masquerading as a regular human, and I'm so blessed to know her.

We made our way up toward the mountain and then up more and in, driving through the fog of a long mountain night to reach the log cabins settled right up against the lakeside. It was 1am and the baby had slept, cried, nursed at the side of the road and repeat for most of the drive. We were exhausted. Mr. Curry drove for six hours at the end of a long day of work and after hauling our things into the cabin, dropped heavily into bed. I let Lola lay with us for a handful of minutes, acclimating. After lots of snuggling I shooed her to the top bunkbed, over Ian, and we switched off the vintage table lamp.

Darkness.

It has been a long, long time since I have experienced that kind of dark. It lays across your face like a blanket and presses into your eyes like, I couldn't help feeling, the very hand of God telling you to sleep. It is the entire Universe collaborating to tell its children to sleep. And so we did. We fell asleep, all five of us, in five minutes. One minute per person. And the next night, the same. Lights out, and darkness, and no whining, moaning, complaining, water drinking, potty breaking, teary eyed complaints- just sleep. Blissful, heavy sleep. Ever slept better than she does at home.

Which made me wonder: Are we sleeping with too much light? 

The night sky of Nature can have it's brilliant light- but it is of stars shining from hundreds of years away, the light of time. Our lights are man made and piercing and demanding and remind us of waking life. They are not lights of spirit but lights of obligation. 

The Alarm Clock Light- Your going to have to wake up and take your kids to school at the crack of dawn!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The Computer Light- Your novel is unfinished, you didn't answer your email, oh my God look how long it's been since you Tweeted, they probably think you are TOTALLY IRRELEVANT 

The Cable Box Light- I'm green and pointless and tiny and super mega annoying. You forgot to record Girls, by the way. 

Our master bedroom is the hub of the house at night. Everyone is in and out of here, showering, bathing, watching the freakishly enormous and so outdated we couldn't sell it on Craigslist TV of ours, or browing online next to the fan, or playing with the baby on the floor, or rolling around on one of our two beds. At bedtime, everyone disperses but often the computer is still on, left that way in case I can make myself get back up and work- which I do, 80% of the time- and the alarm clock is set and facing us, and the cable box is glowing, and oftentimes the closet light is on just to help me stay awake and get things done.  Ever sleeps in here and mostly so does Lola, on the little bed next to our bed. On top of all this light, our windows- we have three in here- are closed with gorgeous white shutters which still let in light from the streetlamps. That's a lot of light.

So tonite, I've draped a shirt over the alarm, Ever's pants over the cable box, and a small towel over the computer box. Melatonin, the hormone our bodies produce to make us tired, is created only in the absence of light, and I know that people who sit in front of glowing computer screens (ahem) quite a bit can have problems with sleep, and I'm sure our hormone production has much to do with that, along with the way our brains work. 

Part of the problem for me is that I don't have any light to read by. I can't just lie down, barely tired, in a dark room and go to sleep, because ANXIETY. So to wind down, I'm often watching TV right before bed, or online, and although this feels relaxing, I don't think my brain agrees. If I had a reading lamp, I would read every night, which is what I've done most of my life until... I didn't have a reading lamp! I'm going to buy one, and add that to my sleep arsenal. I also like the influence it has on my kids to see me reading every night, especially since I read less right now because of Ever. 

Maybe we will sleep more, and better.  I'll let you know.



*couldn't find source for image

Where In The World Is Ever Elizabeth?

Oh THERE she is!

She's also been

here

& here

existential hair styles for the disenfranchised

Mom. Whenever your hair is up, you are happy,  but when it's down, you are sad. Have you ever noticed that? -Lola

No. No, I can't say I have.

Obsessed anew with Twitter right now.  Find me @fluxcapacitor74 

I can pretend talk to Lena Dunham and Anne Lammot. That is so much better than definitely not talking to anyone awesome and sitting around thinking about how I still have no paying work even though ALL I DO is try to get paying work. I feel a certain kind of rage that I WANT TO and CAN write so damn well for ANYONE HELLO and yet silence

like middle school.

Hmmmm? What did you say?

Also made nicer looking flyers and spent hours putting them up / killing trees / polluting environment with selfish desires to work

-everyone ' um like, you can't post that here. we can only take NON PROFIT flyers, mmm. (head lean) sorrryyyyy. '

 -me ' ok '. 

they will be sorry when i become a street walker and stand outside their ESTABLISHMENT with a sign that says FOR PROFIT WHORE

i keep reading good smart deep amazing writers and i feel better for the time i am reading them until i stop and realize again I HAVE NO JOB

then i watch great tv like Girls or Game of Thrones (P.imp.) and feel better for the time i am watching them until i stop and then i realize I HAVE NO JOB

this is the first time this has ever happened to me in my adult life.

i never have done such a thing. i have never been put in such a fucked up position.

'fear is like a bear trap for a momma and her children' said someone on my facebook.

thinking of Ever going from birth forward with me 24-7 and then suddenly over a weekend not with me all day five days a week. no easing in. no warning. right at the height of attachment and separation anxiety.  just boom. no. no. no.

where was my jon cusack speech when i needed it?

where was my john hughes moment?

fuck you eighties. you tricked me!

things i like right now, that may or may not like me back:

barack obama

girls

game of thrones

kardashians

that song 'we are young' that isn't actually called 'we are young'

how ever rubs her belly and sways when we take off her clothes and we say in our best Austin Powers voice 'sexxxyyy' and she laughs

how dakota always tells me that if someone says something fucked up to me i should just say west coast and how ridiculously happy it makes me that i raised a kid that means this IRONICALLY and yet not in the best way

smooth pale ale beer with home made burritos with black beans (99cents at 99cent store! organic! ) avocado, cheese, yellow pepper roasted with olive oil, sauce. droooolll. 

ian helping me make my flyer for childcare and mocking me for not being scary enough in my discipline techniques

ian watching movie with me friday night and falling asleep in my room and sleeping all night

ever getting upset and bending at the knees and throwing her hands over her eyes and rocking her head back and forth while crying. NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL

ever's butt. it is the cutest butt of all time. thank you, kanye.

prayers

chocolate. anything. (ok not condoms)

writing

the novel 'a stained white radiance'

your momma. mmm she was good.

i kid, i kid.

People In Your Neighborhood

take a seat and read

The New York Times  reviews OC87, a movie about a story very common but not often told, the devastating event of mental illness rearing its head in person's twenties, completely transforming the landscape of their life. I have to see this.

Mamapundit  is marking the anniversary of sweet Henry's death by asking her audience to share their stories of addiction to pills and getting clean .

The Happiest Mom  shares her idea of what 3 things you need to be a happy new mom.

Redneck Mommy  writes about fifteen years of marriage with her typical honesty and humor.

Online PHD  I love this list of 50 things that great authors have to tell us about writing.

Leslie Holly  writes something she knows- what's what with raising teenagers. I love reading about this rarely addressed subject and Leslie's pov is right on in my opinion.

Live Your Dash

Last night Ian and I entertained Ever with this bizarre hilarity for a little bit and then she was asleep on my breast and Ian and I watched Herzog's documentary Into The Abyss and Ian fell asleep and I sat in the dark room with Herzog's gentle accented voice asking questions and fell in love with the truth of the warden who said ' and once you are all up in there in your life, you do watch the birds ' and told us the story of Live Your Dash: The dash is the line on your tombstone between the day you are born and the day you die. That's it. That's all you get, that's your life right there, that dash, how are you living it?

The warden has a trembling stumbling voice and bright clear eyes and a slightly chubby face that trembled and turned a wildflower shade of pink as he recounted how many death row inmates he helped strap down, ' over 125 '.  He quit, lost his pension and quit, because he couldn't do it anymore. ' No one has the right to take a life '. That's what he came out of that job with. His dash and his new life, as he said.

Everything is only once, I live in that neurotic's energized awareness of this truth, and with my babies this is hyper-so. Never again will I get to watch Ever be 17 months and learn to love and trust and see the world, never again will I so completely and totally  be able to tell her how to interpret what she is seeing and hearing and experiencing of the world. Never again will the very essence of how she lives her life be forming, raw and pink and red and tremulous and beautiful and utterly and completely poignant for it's totality of innocence and openness. We are given this gift in our children, the gift to be stewards of the making of their brains and souls and bodies. We are watching a supernova be born, we are watching something as breathtaking and fragile and combustible and miraculous and beautiful as a star being born in the few first years of our children's lives. I absolutely believe in that. It has shaped my decisions since I had Dakota at 19.  ' to hold stardust in our hands ' we do, we do. When Ever is watching two people talk, and their voices raise, and one person shakes his hands and his wedding ring slides around his finger, and Ever looks at me, and I respond with a measured voice and gentle eyes and say ' They are fighting, yes. It is OK. They are angry. They have loud voices, but it will be OK. You are with Mommy right now. ' She is learning so many things. This repeated experience allows her to hear anger and not feel immediately terrified or upset, to observe what she is seeing and look for signs of concern. By my reaction she slowly learns that human beings do argue and get angry. She is learning that she is safe with me. She is learning that when she communicates, with her raised eyebrows and expression of concern and maybe a vocalization or hand gesture, that she will be understood and responded to with compassion, and this in turn teaches her how to respond to others.

I watch people talk and move and live and I think how deeply moving it is that we do. I watch Into The Abyss and mourn the death of spirit in human beings. When you see it begin to go, or that it is gone, it is an 'endless aching void'

Ever is lying on the bed next to me. She is asleep. Later Ian, Ever, Lola and I will go down to the store and print out flyers for my childcare. I am getting licensed in the next few days. Dakota is on the East Coast with my mom for ten days, with family, on the seashore. I miss him already. West Coast, sweetie, if you are reading this, I love you- and West Coast.