Wednesday, May 30, 2012

existential hair styles for the disenfranchised

Mom. Whenever your hair is up, you are happy,  but when it's down, you are sad. Have you ever noticed that? -Lola

No. No, I can't say I have.

Obsessed anew with Twitter right now.  Find me @fluxcapacitor74 
I can pretend talk to Lena Dunham and Anne Lammot. That is so much better than definitely not talking to anyone awesome and sitting around thinking about how I still have no paying work even though ALL I DO is try to get paying work. I feel a certain kind of rage that I WANT TO and CAN write so damn well for ANYONE HELLO and yet silence
like middle school.
Hmmmm? What did you say?
Also made nicer looking flyers and spent hours putting them up / killing trees / polluting environment with selfish desires to work
-everyone ' um like, you can't post that here. we can only take NON PROFIT flyers, mmm. (head lean) sorrryyyyy. '
 -me ' ok '. 
they will be sorry when i become a street walker and stand outside their ESTABLISHMENT with a sign that says FOR PROFIT WHORE

i keep reading good smart deep amazing writers and i feel better for the time i am reading them until i stop and realize again I HAVE NO JOB
then i watch great tv like Girls or Game of Thrones (P.imp.) and feel better for the time i am watching them until i stop and then i realize I HAVE NO JOB
this is the first time this has ever happened to me in my adult life.
i never have done such a thing. i have never been put in such a fucked up position.
'fear is like a bear trap for a momma and her children' said someone on my facebook.
thinking of Ever going from birth forward with me 24-7 and then suddenly over a weekend not with me all day five days a week. no easing in. no warning. right at the height of attachment and separation anxiety.  just boom. no. no. no.
where was my jon cusack speech when i needed it?
where was my john hughes moment?
fuck you eighties. you tricked me!

things i like right now, that may or may not like me back:
barack obama
game of thrones
that song 'we are young' that isn't actually called 'we are young'
how ever rubs her belly and sways when we take off her clothes and we say in our best Austin Powers voice 'sexxxyyy' and she laughs
how dakota always tells me that if someone says something fucked up to me i should just say west coast and how ridiculously happy it makes me that i raised a kid that means this IRONICALLY and yet not in the best way
smooth pale ale beer with home made burritos with black beans (99cents at 99cent store! organic! ) avocado, cheese, yellow pepper roasted with olive oil, sauce. droooolll. 
ian helping me make my flyer for childcare and mocking me for not being scary enough in my discipline techniques
ian watching movie with me friday night and falling asleep in my room and sleeping all night
ever getting upset and bending at the knees and throwing her hands over her eyes and rocking her head back and forth while crying. NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL
ever's butt. it is the cutest butt of all time. thank you, kanye.
chocolate. anything. (ok not condoms)
the novel 'a stained white radiance'
your momma. mmm she was good.

i kid, i kid.

previous next