Thursday, April 28, 2011

Mothers Who Work and The Mothers Who Work For Them

clearness said...

I had a mom complain about me once, long before I became a mother myself. Her daughter was born diabetic. Her daughter came to me (after having a snack of crackers and peaches 45 minutes earlier, and JUST had a snack of fruit dip along with fresh pineapples, grapes, apples, strawberries) and whined that she was feeling like her sugar was low. *Earlier that day, when she was given the first snack, she was showing signs of low sugar so that's why she was given the first snack*

Anyway, the mom was there when she whined that her sugar was feeling low. (I didn't realize it at the time) I told her that it was parent pick up time and reminded her that her mom was always one of the first moms there and we could tell her what's going on.

Her mom pops up to let her presence be known and I tell her about what had happened and what was going on. She leaves and I don't think much of it.

As soon as she got home she called the director of the school and the director comes to talk to me. The next day this mom is late for pick up. After she picked her child up she pulled me aside and SCREAMED at me for about 15 minutes. Telling me how I pushed her daughter aside and didn't take her needs seriously and that her daughter could have died because I was being careless.

I cried for the longest time over that.

My point is that some people are super crazy when it comes to their kids. You are sane. That mom who complained....CRAZY

MissBuckle said...

I just can't believe that Mums leave their babies at three months.

It makes me so humble and gratefull that I live in Norway and the state pays me full wages for almost a years maternity leave.

And Dad gets 10 weeks with full pay too.

The Mums are sad, jealous and scared. Who wouldn't be?

me said...

Thank you for this post! So many times I've felt the same way you've had.
Feelings of guilt and insecurity as you said are the culprits, however realizing where the other person is coming from, doesn't make it any easier for the person on the receiving end. Maybe its her hormones as well. I struggle with those feelings also, and try my darnest to give people the benefit of a doubt before descending into the the 'judging pit'. Kindness goes a long way, i try to remind myself. But it hurts nevertheless when you see disapproving looks from strangers when you do something with your kid that they do not approve off. Often opinions are based on superficial observations...has she known the "story behind it" the response would have been different (we hope). So, here is to walking a mile in somebody else's shoes before making judgy assumptions! Hope that you recover emotionally from this episode as quickly as possible!!

That one girl said...

What a bummer. I'm sorry.

The only thing that gets me through people's complaints or crankiness toward me is to remember how often I want to yell and scream and if everything just so happens to got wrong, I might say something to someone else JUST to make myself feel better.

And if I'm pregnant, watch out world, I'm a B-word.

You know you are doing a great job and hopefully your boss knows. And seriously, how could you NOT favor your own baby? Does she want you to stick your boob in her kids mouth?

Mwa said...

I think you got it exactly right there. I love the way you show compassion and understanding for the thought processes of the other mums. Even though they're incorrect, they're only naturally crazy and muddled. I always was when I first took one of mine to the creche, and it was only for a few hours a week.

Phoenix said...

Oh hon... I can't say I've ever been in your situation, not being a mother, but I am not surprised to hear of how competitive, jealous, frustrated, and guilty some other mothers are. It's hard out there to raise a kid, and it's even harder on your end when you've worked your ass off to create a good life for yourself and your loved ones and have to watch as envious mouths whisper, "lucky, lucky, lucky...". It's not luck, it's YOU making those good things happen in your life, and you will encounter people every so often who will want to tear you down for that.

And you cannot let them. On top of all the work that you do to make your life the kind of life you want to live, you must add an extra dose of compassion for those who do not know what it is like to be happy for others. I know, it's more work, and you're already exhausted... but it has to be there, or these idiots will get under your skin and hammer on your nerves.

Hold your head up high, don't let them get under your skin, and keep doing what you do best, Maggie May. You're doing fantastic. (even if it doesn't always feel like it.)

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry. I know how you feel. However, I am going to be your "mother" now, take you in my own arms and whisper in your ear: "Fuck them. You are doing a brilliant job." Then I'm going to close my eyes and wish for a layer of very tough skin to grow on that beautiful body of yours.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm not a mom, but I've known teachers who worked at the same school/daycare where their kids attended, and there was some of that jealousy/resentment over what was perceived as a kind of "best of both worlds" situation. I really feel for you on this one. It's a family/work two in one zinger.

Related somewhat, have you seen Amy Poehler's speech? Maybe you could use it right about now.!5796719/amy-poehler-dedicates-time-100-acceptance-speech-to-nannies-of-the-world

Tania said...

I read that post through my fingers, head in my hands. This surprised me. I would have expected to be lividly jumping up and down. But everything you said – about the hang ups and guilt and expectations of other mothers, reads so true – and all I ended up with was a great feeling of sadness. I hope your boss remains supportive. I hope it all just bloody goes away. I hope that you don't have to second think (anymore than you obviously already must) every time you hold your own beautiful Ever.

Maggie May said...

Clearness- amazingly rude and all I can think is she was frantic with worry her child would one day die. i'm sorry, it's hard to be on the receiving end.

Miss Buckle- you are lucky, that's wonderful.

Me- thank you for the encouraging words. i need them. :)

One Girl- hmm. i could try that and go all Salma Hayack on her. :)

Mwa- i am trying but i feel really upset.

Phoenix- thank you for getting it just right. and the advice is true.

Elizabeth you almost made me cry. THank you for understanding and caring. xoxoxo

Steam Me Up- THANK YOU. i am excited to go read this. I LOVE amy pohler. have you read Tina Fey's Bossypants? it. rocked.

Tania thank you for those compassionate words.

Dari said...

I'm trying not to cry at work while I read this for 2 reasons: I have to leave my babies and I know how hard it is and how guilty I feel about it. Also because I can't imagine being right there with my baby and having to be self conscious about every damn little thing I do for them or how often I love on them in comparison to the other babies, who all need love and care too... which you are doing! It sounds like you are keenly aware of all of those other babies as well and I feel terrible that people are being so harsh toward you. I hope that things get better and that they can see how fantastic you are :)

Mo said...

God, reading this makes my chest constrict and MY stomach knot up.

Even if that woman doesn't realize it (and I hope that she does at some point), she is lucky to have someone like you with her child all day-someone who understands that that baby deserves as much love as can be given-just like yours does.

Would that we were elephants, all surrounded by sisters and cousins and aunts to help us...

Petit fleur said...

It's so hard for me to be understanding toward the kind of mean spirited lashing out that you are getting from some mothers. you are a lot more generous that I am in that regard.

I am so sorry they hurt your feelings. You know you are doing a great job, and they know it too. They are using this lame excuse to show "concern" for how "others" treat their children so that they seem to be "involved" somehow or to assuage their guilt over leaving their babies. I suppose it must be hard for a mother to explain to herself and others that perhaps the "novelty" of having a baby is worn out for them... whatever the reason, it sucks!

You rock. Don't let the haters get you down.

Anonymous said...

Oh Maggie, I am so sorry. It shouldn't have to be this way. Mothers who want to stay home with their kids should be able to. Our maternity leave policies in this country are brutal. And I believe they contribute to the war between "working" and "working in the home mothers". Somehow, while doing the most loving "it takes a village" kind of job you managed to get caught in the middle of the battlefield, a field that I don't think would exist is
if the choice whether to work outside of the home or be at home with one's children was truly a choice for most women. If we had a maternity leave policy that respected children and the bonds of family as contributing to the quality of the community, I think things would be so different.

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