Wednesday, September 7, 2011

how cheerfully they sing


I'll tell you how things are for me right now: Mr. Curry, Ever Elizabeth, Lola Moon and I were shopping in Wal-Mart. The reason we were shopping in Wal-Mart is because our very nutty roomate moved out last weekend without any notice and without paying rent, so that we are $600 in the hole for rent this month, so that my mom gave us her Wal-Mart card and said we could buy some groceries and supplies with it. ThankyouMom. I was trudging in front of Mr. Curry, miserable because the night before we had the worst fight we've had in years, years, which ended with me walking around our neighborhood block in my pajamas and flip flops, in the rain, at 9pm at night. We fell asleep together after all of it, until around 3am when I woke and turned to nurse Ever and felt the soft deep tissue behind my chicken wing on the right side of my body softly tug and then with a big sucking snap, pop and fissure open. The pain went through my back up to grab my right ear and stake itself in my head. I slept sitting up and nursing Ever, and am sitting here only slightly better off. So back to Wal-Mart, and it's depressing lights and stacks and stacks of preserved Jello. I was trudging miserably, remember, in front of Mr. Curry, angry at him because he was telling me a joke, and I wasn't paying attention, and he was miffed/hurt and wouldn't finish the joke, and as I was brooding over this I felt someone coming up on my rear left. So I looked back as I went to move out of the way, and the old, white haired lady on her motorized scooter said loudly and in her best meanoldlady voice

That's right, you better move out the way.

I turned to look closer at her and said to her receding white old head, What a sweet lady, with as much sarcasm as I could muster. She sputtered without making eye contact. Then I instinctively went to put my hand on Mr. Curry's arm before he said or did something wildly inappropriate to the old lady, and did or did not stop him in time depending on what your opinion is of what he shot off at her.

Arriving home with our piles of stuff, I sat miserably on the couch and thought about what to do for Dakota. There is a problem. Those who coined the term loving detachment couldn't have meant parents. I dare you to be lovingly detached to your child. It's possible, but only in the smallest way possible, like in fragments of time, in moments, when you are meditating, laughing, being showered with support, having a strong moment, or are incredibly drunk. The rest of the time it's like trying to be lovingly detached toward your own hands while they are wedged inside of a door jam, broken and bleeding. I see you, but the fact that you are in distress cannot be my problem, I can help you, but I cannot feel your pain. Oh, laughter. You silly son of a bitch.

Meanwhile, our entire garage door handle broke off. Our bathroom door has a big sign on it that says DO NOT CLOSE ALL THE WAY which kind of defeats the entire purpose of a bathroom, and is placed there because if you shut the door from the outside, you can't open it again! Our air conditioner broke two weeks ago, right before this staggering heat wave and humidity. And this is my first preschool paycheck that will have Ever's tuition taken out of it!

Life's a piece of shit, when you think of it! Monty, where are you now. The best thing about that song is how cheerfully they sing of suffering.

how cheerfully they sing of suffering

how cheerfully they sing of suffering

oh, how cheerfully they sing

of suffering

love,
maggie may
Cid said...

I'm right there with you. Life sucks and then you die, as someone once said. On the other hand, find "Outnumbered" on youtube. It's a British sitcom like Modern Family. You sound like you need a good laugh.

Steph(anie) said...

Yeah. Sometimes.

Caroline said...

It's no wonder the expression "When it rains it pours" is so popular.

It always seems like when things start to go wrong around this place that everything goes to hell in a hand-basket! In fact, I have to stop myself from saying, "Now what!?"

Hang in there like you always do and the sun will shine again. And about the loving-detatchment stuff. I TOTALLY get you on this. I like your analogy SO much.

Sending love your way, Maggie May. xo

Mel said...

Oh. Very sorry. Life is so very hard sometimes. When I am very low I tell myself this too shall pass. I play the how much worse can things get game, also know as at least I still have my feet, as in I felt sorry for myself because I didn't have shoes until I met a woman who had no feet.
These mind games do nothing to fix the sucking vortex I get trapped in sometimes, but they distract my monkey brain enough to let the stess abate a bit and let me regroup so I don't snap.
Hang in there, trite, but true. Sending you warm thoughts, wishing for you happier things.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh honey. That's all I can say.

She Looks Like a Mom said...

There's nothing to do, really, but make the best of what you have. Good luck.

M said...

Amen, sister.

Beth said...

I can so relate to your feeling that "loving detachment" is simply not possible for parents.

Marion said...

I was sort of hoping that you'd backhanded the mean old rude bitch at Wally World. You would have felt soooo much better!!! Remember (ducking my head as I speak) that this, too, shall pass, dearest Maggie. I've earned the right to say that because I've survived situations much, much worse than yours and somehow, it does pass and you move on... Sending love & good money vibes your way. xoxo

Maggie May said...

Hey guys. Thanks for the supports :) I have a very 'very' sense of humor about life, and all it's pains. The one thing you can't laugh about when it's happening is your child's suffering. You can laugh at yourself about how you handle it though.

Maggie May said...

and Marion lol um no!!! i did not backhand her!

i did laugh :) mr curry and were laughing. this whole post is a kind of hard laughter.

Janel said...

There is that lovely saying of
"age before beauty" heh heh!

Sorry to hear about the other stuff. So hard to have faith and patience in life when we are tested continually.

Lone Star Ma said...

Hugses.

Elizabeth said...

Well, I'm actually laughing -- I do that a lot you know, laugh and cry at the same time, so I'll do it for you as well. Laughter will sustain you for sure. That paragraph about loving detachment was so brilliant and funny, it made me guffaw (I think that's the term).

In all seriousness, though, I'm so sorry Maggie. I confirm that life is heinous sometimes, if not all the time, broken only by moments of grace and beauty and the knowledge that many of us are in it together.

julochka said...

it seems like there is a lot of misery in circulation at the moment. but what I love is that you share it so honestly. I find myself holding it back and I wonder why when I read your honest posts and feel so refreshed by your honesty about the struggle that is life...please keep writing about it.

that said, I do hope things get easier!

xox,
/j

Annie said...

I'm sorry it's so awful right now. Hope, for better, soon.

Holly said...

oh, so walmart is still depressing when youre not spending your own money??

we bought a tent there this year. thats it, and it was not fun.

red-handed said...

Ag. I know this one. I've still got the marks.

Hannah Stephenson said...

Haha...haha..ha...ha..

I've done this kind of laughing spliced with "ouch"es.

Positive vibes your way.

Hyacinth said...

I'm relatively new to your site but have gone through and read all your archives...I absolutely love your writing!

I called my mom and read the part about "loving detachment" to her...she has gone through some really rough times with my sister and she absolutely loved your take on how it's impossible for a mother to "lovingly detach" from her child. She said your analogy was just perfect.

Hoping happiness and sunshine comes bouncing towards you and your family soon!

Maggie May said...

Hyacinth is one of my favorite flower fairies :)

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