Everything is just grunt work this year. Like the Army. Life is about Getting Through This and reminding myself This Won't Go On Forever or assuring myself You Will Figure This Out even though I have no idea if I will, or won't, or what. I knew that going to work after Ever was born was going to be hard. I had no idea what kind of hard. I though it would be ' the house is such a mess ' hard, and ' noodles for dinner again! ' hard. Hard like a funny movie where your hair is crazy and your husband lazy and lalala. It's not hard like a funny movie. It's just hard.
It's not about just working full time, it's the particular brew of ingredients- the particulars of our family life- that are making this so exhausting. I feel spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Even this screen: Mr. Curry pulled out this old computer screen and attached it because mine was blinking on and off at a rapid pace, and this new/old screen is huge and strange and makes me feel different when I write. See. I know my life is careening beyond my reach when so many things in my mind start with makes me feel.
I'm nursing my baby, and I'm sleeping with her, and I wake up and shuffle around and get everything done and we speed out of the house, just like a million other mothers in the world. I drop the kids off, and go to work- usually on my lunch break I'm taking Ever and picking up a kid or two and taking them home- and then at 5pm I'm home, and I have between 5 and about 7:30 which is when Ever goes to bed, ie gets nursed for fifteen minutes. But lately she won't go to bed at 7:30, it's more like 8. Usually Mr. Curry picks up ee from my work around 3pm, so I get home at 5pm and she wants to nurse, and Mr. Curry is making dinner. In this time between 5 and 7:30 I'm supposed to Look over Lola's homework, (even if Mr. Curry did xyz I need to stay in the loop, see what she is doing) Eat Dinner, Bathe Ever, Spend Time With Lola, Clean Up, Take Vitamins, Make Lunches, Go Through My Mail/Sign Shit, Answer Emails? And that isn't counting all the many things that pop up every day, uncatagorized, and demand to be attended to. It's those extras that especially push you over the brink. And the thing that I didn't count on
I'm not and can't be the kind of mother I need and want to be doing what I'm doing.
I said it. Look at it, up there. Doesn't it make you want to cry? Me, I'm crying now.
I'm SUCKING SO HARD AT EVERYTHING.
I'm sucking at being a wife, a housekeeper, a friend, a relative, a mommy. I don't know what we're going to do, but something has to give. I'm not sucking at work, because that's where I get paid, and I walk in there with Ever and the attitude that I'm a professional. And the house is OK. Not great, we have a full sink of dishes usually but we do dishes every day and we have no dishwasher!
When I had the other kids, I didn't work when they were babies, AND I wasn't trying to forge a writing career.
I think my kids want a new mom, one who makes pancakes for breakfast every morning in cute shapes, one who is crafty and cooking and who keeps a pretty home, and I just want to crawl in a corner and cry because my dog Bodie has orange hair and he rubs his gigantic butt up against the walls all around the house and leaves big orange stains.
The thing that is happening is that most things are getting done, because life forces you into its mold, because you are an adult and that is what adults do. So what is giving? My relationship with my children. I'm distracted constantly. There is always something I have to be doing, there is simply not time for me to stop for forty five minutes and play with Lola on a school night. I can do it, sure. And then the things I didn't do will embarrass and upset me to the point where next time I won't do it. The teacher who never got an email. The sign up sheets for sports deadlines that were missed. The dog shit sitting in the kitchen. The laundry that has to be done so people can have underwear! Lola's school alone is like a fucking full time job. Please don't let me talk about the demands of school on a child and on the parents. Suffice to say, the paperwork, homework, computer work at home, MUST SIGN NOW sheets, and extra read these sheets just because eat up an enormous amount of time nightly. And it's not like the kids are going to stop having their problems and stages and difficulties because I'm overwhelmed. If anything, me being overwhelmed makes them worse.
I am at a point where I feel like I forgot how to do everything. I have no creative ideas how to deal with Lola's new penchant for being sassy/rude when she's the slightest bit frustrated, or what I used to talk to Mr. Curry about, or the more subtle things in life. Shades. I know the basics. I'm nursing my baby, I'm trying to pay attention to Lola when she talks (but she talks sooo much!!!) I'm smiling at the kids when I remember to (Maggie! Smile!) as they talk, I'm making lunches, I'm showered, I'm I'm I'm.... fake it till you make it?
Oh my God. This is the most boring, droning blog post I've ever written.
I can't even BLOG anymore.
especially anyone new to my blog, please don't worry about me. in any REAL way. i'm not losing my mind totally. i'm in the in between phase, where you know something is really wrong, have clearly spotted the problem, but have yet one clue what you are going to do about it. ok i'm lying. while writing this post/vent i actually came up with an idea about spending time with Lola.
that's one clue.
and while editing this post i came up with another idea. it's brilliant, and it goes like this:
( me, yelling at myself ) MAGGIE IF YOU WANT TO NOT HATE YOURSELF IN A FEW YEARS STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE HOUSEWORK AND FOCUS ON YOUR CHILDREN"S FACES
(me, in response) but when my mom comes over she looks around like....
(me, yelling at myself) SO WHAT?!!!
(me, in response) hmm..you have a point.. but what about when the neighbors come over?
(me, yelling at myself) FUCK THEM!!!
(me, in response) well, sometimes you do have to get more...assertive minded to accomplish a goal
(me, yelling at myself) DAMN SKIPPY!!!
(me, in response) well i guess as long as the floors are cleaned and we can find the scissors...
(me, yelling at myself) GIVE IT UP!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE SCISSORS! OR THE TAPE! OR THE NICE PENS!!!
(me, in response) oh no. i really liked that pen.