Sunday, May 18, 2014

be here now

our little beloved condo sold. we have to move. we are being forced by life into motion. a slight foggy ghost of depression moved into my eyes and face and hands and i would like to sleep more. i don't want to leave the white plantation shutters, billowing trees outside the window of my room, wraparound porch, swimming pool, white kitchen and wooden floors of this home. i love it here and i've never loved where i live before- it was my first love of home, this place, and you can say ' it's just a place ' or ' it is just a thing ' and i would quietly believe you wrong. it's not 'just'. it is, as Mr. Curry and i hate to say but say just the same, what it is. this place is a brightness and a whiteness and a clean lined snug fitted safe and beautiful home for people whose marriage is broken. us people. me. i lean into the beauty and ease of this home daily. i lean into to and disappear my heartache into the scratching of leaves against my window, the beautiful long slanting dark shadows that fall from the shutters like artwork and angels, the cheerful and white glow of our kitchen and the smooth wooden floors that subdue so much grief. i do not have rosary beads or a confessional, i do not have a kibbutz or a culture of shamans-

Who will forgive me for the things I do?
With no special legend of God to refer to,
With my calm white pedigree, my yankee kin,
I think it would be better to be a Jew.
anne sexton

but i have had these floors, this ticking clock, this sliding banister, this wooden porch, these white and widening blinds, this courtyard with birds, raccoons, trees and grass and winding paths. i have loved a home. i have been comforted and sheltered here and that is enormous, huge- a comfort that i have consciously cherished every day. 

this weekend was full of comforts and pleasures, for our whole family- well not Dakota, who doesn't live here anymore, and not so much Ian, who lives here part-time and is almost graduated- we looked to focus our thoughts and emotions elsewhere. i saw Godzilla with Dakota, Ian and my mom and the next day Mr. Curry took Ian and Lola to see Spiderman. we went swimming, we ate burgers out, we took to the hills and hiked. 

in these moments, some captured above, i remained completely grateful, still heartbroken and afraid of change and also deeply happy and comforted by my family and the enjoyments of the world. nature is always available as a rosary. i climb trees and splash water and poke bugs and am renewed. i hold my children's sweaty arms and necks and am relieved, remembering over and over that everything most important is all right.

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