Saturday, November 19, 2011

A Few Things Off My Back

1 When you speak to me, be sure to turn away and walk out of the room, or I won't know you are talking to me. My family has trained me. I no longer respond to directly facing, eye contacting communication. Also, please turn with an annoyed look on your face when I ask you to repeat what you were saying, because I couldn't  hear you, maybe because you were IN THE OTHER ROOM WITH YOUR BACK TO ME.

2. It doesn't matter if socks match during winter. Abandon caring, planning, trying, sorting, caring, because you won't find more than one pair of socks that match. Let go. You're wearing pants. Jeans! Let go. No one knows. Except for all of you people. And you're my people anyway, so you don't care either. Where are the socks? Why aren't they in the sock & underwear drawer? Who keeps socks there! That's so 2010! All socks are to directly report to the baby's crib.

3.  Stop arguing over the television. Lola, Ian, I'm talking to you. STOP. 

4. Mr. Curry, I appreciate that you were trying to feed our baby when she was hungry and fussing. If you could attempt next time to take off her brand new adorable jacket she was supposed to wear today on our trip to LA, that would be great. Even greater, don't hand the squirty  pouch of food to our nine year old daughter to feed our 11 month old daughter who promptly turned to our 11 month old daughter and said Here! and let her take it and feed. herself. 

5. OK that's it. The TV is off. Now no one gets to watch it! And, added bonus, I sound just like my mom! ( ps This is the real reason most people have like ten televisions. I'm on to you. )

6.  Ever, have you ever heard the phrase Don't Bit The Boob That Feeds You? No. No you haven't.

7. I never knew the keyboard was meant to be a drink holder! Thanks Ian and Lola! I can't believe how much better our computer works now that it has baby tangerine juice, Root Beer and some unidentified veal colored substance stuck between the keys! Who uses a capital z anyway!

8.  On that note, cribs are not meant for babies. Cribs are sold for babies, but meant for socks, old Halloween decorations, an empty oversized bag of chocolate covered pretzels, a giant rainbow colored Hello Kitty doll, teenage boy deodorant ( meant to seduce girls, assuming you can get them close enough to smell your armpits ) wooden blocks, one earring, Pet Shop toys and a really, really, really used nursing bra.

9. Sex is also so 2010, according to Lola and Ever. One whines, sulks and exhibits Freudian behaviors when Mr. Curry gets within a one foot radius of me, and the other wakes suddenly in a start, wild eyed with apparent shock and fear that mom and dad were going to TOUCH. O. M. G.
I'm convinced this is some kind of biological protective measure that children exhibit to prevent further competition in the family unit. 

10. If I'm relaxed for longer than one minute, something extremely loud and incredibly close will happen. On like donkey kong. So far I've only been relaxed longer than one minute twice, but both times, there were immediate consequences. Constant vigilance!

Lola you know how you keep repeating, in a high high voice like a balloon letting out air, that Ian or Dakota is doing this just to annoy me? I know just how you feel.

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