Thursday, March 29, 2012

Alicia Silverstone Feeds Son Chewed Food!!! Maggie May Licks Baby Daughter's Face!!!

The latest pretend controversy is that Alicia Silverstone feeds her baby Bear pre-chewed food. Could that sentence even LOOK any more anti-climactic? I shudder to think what the headlines would and could say about me were I semi-famous and Ever and I were scanned for weirdness by the paparazzi.
Here are totally true headlines from this family:

Maggie May Blows On Daughter's Vagina When She Has Rash! The Daughter, That Is! Having The Rash, We Mean! ( Not Maggie Having A Rash, To  Be Clear!!)  

I think if there are enough capitals and exclamation points the magazines and headlines believe we will just naturally fall into a a panicked state of disbelief regardless of the subject matter.

Maggie May Sucks On Son's Eyelid While Being Goofy! Funny, or Disgusting Beyond COMPARE!!!

Maggie May Wipes Baby Ever's Snot With Her Tee Shirt- While She's Wearing It! And She Goes On Shopping!!! Wearing It!!! 

Maggie May Breastfeeds Baby Ever In Front of Older Sons!!! Normal Or Totally PSYCHO!!?? Are The Boys DOOMED?!! ( Our Experts Weigh IN!!!! )

I have chewed up Ever's food more times than I can recall. It's a totally AOCD (American Obsessive Compulsive Dickorder) thing to go off the charts about.  One 'expert' here on MSN was aghast that the baby boy might GET HERPES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, from his happily married plant eating mother. As desperate and concerning as that possibility is, I think doing what hippies and farmers wives have been doing since the dawn of time will probably leave the chubby guy unscathed. I lick Ever's face, feed her chewed food, nurse her past one year old, sleep with her and generally love her and on her as much as possible. And for the women on Facebook's Jezebel page, worried about 'spit! eww! ' I'd like to give them a small primer including visual aides, on the enormous amounts of bodily fluids of all kinds involved in not only creating the baby, but birthing it into this world and then nursing the little person. If you are that worried about spit you might want to reconsider French kissing your husband who just spent the last hour eating a week old burrito and sniffing his pointer finger.

 





Ms. Moon said...

Yeah. I did it too. My kids' favorite thing was when I would crunch ice for them IN MY OWN MOUTH WITH MY OWN TEETH and then give it to them. I was an ice crusher Mama! Hoo boy.
People really don't like to consider the fact that we are animals and that motherhood, like other primal experiences (sex, for example) bring that out in us and we should celebrate it, not condemn it.

Caroline said...

HA! I can't even believe that made the news. My 70 year old neighbor came over yesterday morning talking about it. I didn't know until now the news was about Alicia Silverstone!

We've never even done baby food here (or chewed up food) we've always just gone from milk to table food. WEIRD, I know. ;) But all my kids are healthy and happy and going like weeds!

Julia said...

Once, many years ago, my toddler came over to me at the playground to nurse. A woman in scrubs (presumably a doctor at the nearby hospital) looked at me in clear disgust and said, "You're NURSING her? Isn't she more than a year old?! She has TEETH!"

I smiled graciously and replied, "Yeah. I'm sure glad you're not judging me or anything on my decisions."

Chrissy said...

Wasn't it just last week Bill Mahar called for No Outrage Day? No one got the memo, so it's time to be outraged over birdies.

I thought this piece of news was so silly...but it's also reflective of the weird society in which we live in. We once lived in a time when if our stars and public figures had something weird to say, their publicists laid a polite hand on their arm...shh! Now every eccentricity is tweeted and shared and we know too much about too many. So odd!

Heather@ That Uncomfortable Itch said...

Here's the thing about all the hooplah, I find it to be a bit of a soul suck. It's tiring. We've all got some mom tools up our sleeves that somebody else is going to find freaky. While I've never chewed up food for my children, I believe it totally makes sense. On the other hand, teaching one's kids to be uptight, judgmental conservatives? I find that rather freaky. Different strokes for sure.

Amelia said...

We (my 2.5 year old and I) watch the movie Babies on repeat, there's a part where the mothers all clean the babies' faces. One uses a rag, one squirts breast milk on the baby's face, and the mother from Namibia licks her baby's face and spits it out. After we cover 'why those babies' crying?' (babies don't like their faces to be cleaned) the next question is, 'why that mommy licking his face?!' She's so shocked! It cracks me up every time.

Maggie May said...

Ever tastes like vanilla cupcakes. :)

Lauren Knight said...

Hahaha! You are hilarious. Seriously, these people need to focus on something a little more riveting.

I have been known to do all of the above things you mentioned... it's called motherhood. Love to you and yours, Lauren.

anymommy said...

I have torn up meet for my THREE year old with my teeth. Because sometimes, you're just too butt ass lazy to get up and get a knife. P.S. I love you.

Lone Star Ma said...

I have eaten baby boogers. Parenting...it's not for the squeamish, people. That said, no one but my husband and Lenny Kravitz are going to be allowed to suck anything out of my mouth. Lenny? Where are you, Lenny?

Alexicographer said...

I love you.

kelly said...

This post made me laugh out loud....I love Alicia silverstone and think her chewing her kids food is funny....I've got 5 children and have done it too......ok so they haven't eaten out of my mouth but I've given it to them...
I wld love to remember how I found your bog, but Ive forgotten :-)..... But I think it's beautifully written, I'll be back to read more :-).... See ya from Kelly

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