the opposite of controlled

Am I forgetting, becoming surviving
real world
the American
success story
a chaotic submergence in busyness
a re-structuring of the word adult
adult means controlled.

the opposite of controlled
swimming naked in the ocean
mid-Winter, only boys as
mermen companions, the salt thick water slicing through their
balls, their laughter an unhinged
slightly hysterical
mix of pain and arousal.
i was twenty years

a pocket full of pie,
smearing whip cream and green
jello, the candy creamed top of cupcakes on each other's
faces, moving through each room
without awareness of
each room
only aware
of life

baked in a pie, the blackbirds
flew upward and i climbed the brown
horse's back with a fistful of mane,
barebacked and skinny legged I rode the strange animal
without awareness of
the risk
only aware
of life

beginning to sing, we leaned out the windows
blew smoke to the night's black
bold face and the moon's round bottom back
fuck you motherfucker we screamed at no one
never laughed harder
never a reason
never a rhyme
just life

simple is a word for crayon drawings
not human beings
yet i am sure we are getting
something very wrong
in the definition of adult.
do you want to die
like an adult?
or do you want to die
wingtip touching the sun,
the crayon colors of some big bang
melting the Pi of your eyes

licking the cellular stuff of your face
until you are a
wave, a tree branch scraping mountain rock,
a mud hole underneath the magnolias,
a cloud, honey on the stinger of a bee,
the dirt forming the footprint of your child
as she walks down the wooded path.