I'd like to brush my yellowing teeth (thank you coffee, thank you gross smoking habit ages 15-30)without contemplating the meaning of life. Every morning. Looking at my freckles, thinking of Nie Nie and how she will never again look at a facefull of freckles. Finding my eyes filling with tears. Admitting to Mr. Curry that I worry that our children will grow old and get sick and not have the right kind of health insurance, and we won't be there to help them, hold their hands if they are sad, buggle them up if they are lonely, remind them they are precious and loved and safe, safe, safe. ( No one is safe ) ( Everyone is safe )
I'm waiting for test results. I'm afraid. I want someone to tell me it is all right, Mr. Curry tells
me it's all right and I don't believe him. What I really want is not to be told that nothing bad will happen ( eventually all pessimists are proved right ) but to know that I can rise to any occasion, the worst event, and fill my spirit with courage, love, joy- an indomitable will to overcome if not the IS, the I AM ( It will never be all right ) ( It is always all right )
I absorb other states of being through emotional osmosis. I was stripped of my protective barriers, the immune system of the heart that love builds in childhood was broken down in mine. Destroyed. Never underestimate the human spirit; I grew like that famous flower in the crack of the sidewalk on Main Street, and can love and be loved. The walls are thin and my heart is quick to take the rhythm of another... does not hold it's own well enough yet. Well enough to be around fear without feeling afraid. If you are afraid for me, I will be afraid. Like my children- if they fall, and I am wide eyed and downturned mouth, they cry. I am more afraid of living in fear than I am of the things I am afraid of.
I have learned and want now to plant and grow upwards. ' Maybe their craziness spoke a truth. There are lessons in these lives, but we are no longer obligated to learn them. ' - Elizabeth Wurtzel
I want you to know something, my InLovers. I laugh in the face of my foes! I laugh in my breakfast cereal. I laugh at my own freckled blue-eyed ridiculousness, the bizarre fact that the same little round faced Southern girl fighting black girls in the Jackson Mississippi backyard because she was the only white girl in miles, the same snot picking wall wiping boy chasing changeling is this woman sitting properly at this desk, feeding cats, walking dogs, raising children, loving a man as a wife. I laugh in my toilet. I laugh at myself when I cry and give myself the hiccups. I may be certifiable, but I'm having fun.
' The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.' - Woody Allen
( Everyone is alone ) ( Noone is ever really alone )