Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Fear and Laughing In San Diego

Oh, One
I'd like to brush my yellowing teeth (thank you coffee, thank you gross smoking habit ages 15-30)without contemplating the meaning of life. Every morning. Looking at my freckles, thinking of Nie Nie and how she will never again look at a facefull of freckles. Finding my eyes filling with tears. Admitting to Mr. Curry that I worry that our children will grow old and get sick and not have the right kind of health insurance, and we won't be there to help them, hold their hands if they are sad, buggle them up if they are lonely, remind them they are precious and loved and safe, safe, safe. ( No one is safe ) ( Everyone is safe )

Yes, Two
I'm waiting for test results. I'm afraid. I want someone to tell me it is all right, Mr. Curry tells
me it's all right and I don't believe him. What I really want is not to be told that nothing bad will happen ( eventually all pessimists are proved right ) but to know that I can rise to any occasion, the worst event, and fill my spirit with courage, love, joy- an indomitable will to overcome if not the IS, the I AM ( It will never be all right ) ( It is always all right )

Sweet Three
I absorb other states of being through emotional osmosis. I was stripped of my protective barriers, the immune system of the heart that love builds in childhood was broken down in mine. Destroyed. Never underestimate the human spirit; I grew like that famous flower in the crack of the sidewalk on Main Street, and can love and be loved. The walls are thin and my heart is quick to take the rhythm of another... does not hold it's own well enough yet. Well enough to be around fear without feeling afraid. If you are afraid for me, I will be afraid. Like my children- if they fall, and I am wide eyed and downturned mouth, they cry. I am more afraid of living in fear than I am of the things I am afraid of.

I have learned and want now to plant and grow upwards. ' Maybe their craziness spoke a truth. There are lessons in these lives, but we are no longer obligated to learn them. ' - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Friend, Four
I want you to know something, my InLovers. I laugh in the face of my foes! I laugh in my breakfast cereal. I laugh at my own freckled blue-eyed ridiculousness, the bizarre fact that the same little round faced Southern girl fighting black girls in the Jackson Mississippi backyard because she was the only white girl in miles, the same snot picking wall wiping boy chasing changeling is this woman sitting properly at this desk, feeding cats, walking dogs, raising children, loving a man as a wife. I laugh in my toilet. I laugh at myself when I cry and give myself the hiccups. I may be certifiable, but I'm having fun.

' The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.' - Woody Allen

( Everyone is alone ) ( Noone is ever really alone )
Steph said...

I don't see my young self in the mirror at all, I just see her in my son who is so much more like me than his sister.

Excellent Woody Allen quote :)

Patois said...

That we can make it to the laughing stage, that's what matters most. And it will be all right because you will rise to any challenge.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I feel like that too when I look at myself in my safe, ordered life in New Zealand and think back to the little girl in Zimbabwe hiding in a farmhouse from Mugabe's militia. It's good to make it to the laughing stage, as patois says. :)

ashley said...

i think that laughter is the best medicine- your writing is very moving- and the way you deal with things and think them through is brilliant...
i hopt you are well dear;)
x ashley

Strong and determined said...

I just came across your blog, and find your writing to be fresh, witty and a great read. Thanks for sharing! :)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I need to move to the laughing stage. I always seem to get stuck in the neurotic one!

Hope you get the test result you are looking for!

steenky bee said...

I try to see myself younger in the mirror. I feel like we never really see ourselves enough. Once a week I make sure I give my face a long look. I see everyone else, I never see me.

Shannon said...

love you Maggie, love your writing. i have been so quick to jump on and off the computer these days (although still manage to spend hours of my life not really doing anything yet sitting in this chair), I am not commenting as much as I should. I am here though- reading and being moved all the time by YOU.

Rachael said...

The resilence of the human spirit is amazing.

Loved this post.

Wishing you well on your test results.

Emily A. Benton said...

I laugh in the toilet, too. Or wail, sometimes it sounds the same.

Maggie May said...

Steph I looooove Woody Allen's movies. I quote him often.

Patios I like that- the laughing stage.

Cat what an amazing story you must have tucked inside. Memoir material!

Ashley I agree...laughing has become profoundly important to me the last ten years.

Strong thank you and I'm so glad you commented. I really like seeing who stops in.

Queen I get stuck there plenty, let me tell you.

Steenky everyone else? Who?

Shannon yay, I miss you round. You have been quiet :) But a big family will do that. I love you old friend!!

Thanks Rachael, me too.

Emily I bet you do, you wild girl ;)

Hila said...

This is beautiful Maggie - care to share some more? I'm intrigued by your writing :)

Lola said...

Beautiful post, as usual, Maggie.
I've got freckles, blue eyes and not so white teeth, too.

At 42, I certainly don't see my young self in the mirror, which is fine. I feel like the same wild child I always was, and lord knows I still act like her!

I can't really remember being afraid of anything when I was young. All of my fears began when I got pregnant with my son, and they're always there beneath the surface gnawing at me. I guess that's what happens to us moms. Humor is always my answer to everything.

I hope you get good news. Waiting on test results is awful.

Miss Molly said...

Maggie,
Beautiful writing. How on earth did you find my blog?

I like you.

We will make it, somehow. And we will laugh along the way.

Carolina Maine said...

I only see my old lady face in the mirror nowadays--wonderful post, Maggie!

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