Monday, June 28, 2010

fuck that because it's a true thing i hate

The lack-ness ( when lack just isn't enough to express ... _) of the entirety of my little blue pills is causing me to cry daily. My oldest son doesn't like this, understandably, and, because he is sixteen and a boy in our culture, cannot find a way to express how distressed and uncomfortable this makes him, so instead he gets pissy, irritable, rude. Being a teenager who neither drinks nor smokes dope just sucks. High school is a place where 90% of the population drinks every once in a while. We drug test, alcohol test, so he's in a no fuck up zone. He's dealing with other things to, other difficult and painful emotions. Tonight he blew up at me and left the house against my explicit advice to do no such thing. And ended up spending the night with his biological dad. It is the mother in me that instead of feeling angry or hurt at his bad behavior, I'm wracked with guilt and worry over him. I know he's struggling and I hate that I can't be 100% for him right now. It makes me feel horrible.
And I'm getting worse every day, face it folks. I cry more and harder. Please don't give me advice: My mother does that daily. I am exercising. I AM taking fish oil. I am doing every goddamn thing I can but nothing can change the fact that I have severe anxiety disorder and won't put a hole in my Ever's heart so that I can get through this pregnancy with a smile on my face. At this point I'd be happy not to depress my entire family by the time it's done. And my marriage has been awesome, my husband so incredibly sweet the last five months, working 6 days a week and 10 to 12 hour days because it's his busy season, and then coming home and cooking dinner and kissing my cheeks and telling me how beautiful I am and putting the kiddos to bed and trying to get in my pants. Nothing cheers up a girl like her husband trying to get in her bloomers, especially when they are size Large and she's not feeling so hot these days. But he's having a hard week and the last two days been distant, not a crime but a reality in long marriage, the need for space, but something I can barely handle when I'm so .... fragile barf Fuck that because it's a true thing I hate. And also it's possible he might be struggling with bipolar. Too soon to tell. It scares the living daylights out of me because for both of us to be bonkers at the same time.... I am making a therapy appointment for Mr Curry and I, hopefully for next week, and Dakota and I will be seeing his therapist next week too. Modern family, modern weapons, oldest problems in the hills.

The problem seems to be cellular. I was juiced young. Electrified, see. And so when the fever rises and the crazies begin, all my cells juice and release the electricity of past wounds horrors and fears. And the anxiety is like this great big pulley, this horrible machine with ropes and chains and great giant wheels that spin and drag the entire thing- me, see- down the hills of crazy and lonely and scared right until I'm about five years old and standing at my Daddy's brown loafers, sick with misery.

Ah.

I'd have a stiff drink, but.

Yes, all those buts.

So- onward Christian soldier. **I've always wondered where that expression came from.
Maggie May said...

another thing: everything below in those pictures is just as true as everything above in those words. and sometimes that seems right and just and other times it makes me feel even crazier than i did.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, bless you. I won't give any advice other than you will be fine. You are strong and have weathered much, much more difficult days. Keep on bitching it out. Life sucks for a bit and then it gets better. And we love you.

Captain Dumbass said...

Just keep marching. Eyes on the prize.

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,

You're right to go without medicine, for the baby's sake. It will be hard for everyone, you included, but that's the choice you made. Sleep whenever you appropriately can is my only unsolicited advice, to rest your body and calm yourself. And yes, the good times are true, too. Hold onto that. You will get through this, and so will he, and the good news: you know where your son is tonight. You love him, and he loves you.

You are not crazy. You know exacly what is happening, and you're doing everything you can, by making and keeping your appointments, to make sure everything comes out all right.

~L said...

sending virtual hugs for you and Ever...and praying for your peace.
~L

Louis Duke said...

Write, just write it out.

Lydia said...

Having just watched (alone) the dvd of Shutter Island, your crazies seem like a fully rational sequel to the film. Well, sort of. :)

Onward Christian Soldiers was an awful song that they made us sing in Christian Science Sunday School when I was tiny. After about five times, and knowing it was altogether wrong for me, I told my mother I didn't want to go back. How marvelous she was to honor my feelings and it was a done-deal.

Hang in there, Maggie. Maybe you can get a laugh out of the Word Verification, which is "butfure"...

Vashti said...

loving you from afar. xx

Home Girl said...

i have been meaning to say how much i LOVE the name 'Ever', its like a perfect little one word piece of poetry, so gorgeous and simple and right. i'm sorry to hear how difficult daily life is. its hard to believe how much sacrifice mother's make in order to bring our little ones into the world. dosen't sound like there is anything much else you can do execept reach out here and continue to ride it endure it and hope to god your lovely gang can hold it together for the next few months. sending lots of love and belief that you are creating an amazing family with all the passion you provide. once you are over this hump i feel sure magical things are ahead. don't forget to send me your address (no need to write anything just simply type the details and email to claerwen@claerwen.com) xxxxxxx

Ms. Moon said...

Nope. No advice here either. Just saying I know, I love you, I know it's going to get better, breathe in, breathe out.
Can you feel me so far away saying, "I love you, Maggie May?"

Lorenzo said...

No advice, here, just a supportive and caring ear and the resilient hope that writing here helps you. Reading you certainly does wonders for me.

Curious, my word verification is 'slymi', which I assume would be pronounced 'slimy'. Maybe I have been too cloying and slick in my message?

adrienne said...

it's been so, so long since i've stopped by for a visit.

you're absolutley amazing. you are. 'modern family. modern weapons'. so necessary to counter the big bad world's modern weapons.

our dear elizabeth is right. sometimes life sucks for a bit.

prayers and love and chocalate candy covered kisses and blessings upon blessings to you.

YES Gallery + Studio said...

no advice, but will share this link i just found this for a friend with a bipolar husband. can't vouch for them, but the testimonies had me intrigued: http://www.truehope.com/default.aspx

Brigindo said...

And that's the rub: our lives can be so eloquently beautiful and completely f'd up at the same time. I'm sorry for your pain and for the guilt it imposes. Seeing your behavior affect your family and not being able to change it has to be one of the all time worse feelings. I no it is no consolation but eventually it will pass.

SJ said...

No advice here -I am right there in the depths with you so let's keep each other company down here, alright?

It will be over soon. You're doing the best you can. Dakota knows you love him.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hang in there, dear Maggie. I'm glad Mr. Curry is so good to you.

Love,

SB

Steph(anie) said...

Oh, Maggie. Pregnancy is a crazy emotional roller coaster under the best of circumstances. Add to that a dash of stress and a pinch of crazy and well, it's fucking hard. And still beautiful.

Alicia DiFabio said...

oh bless your sweet self. you can do this. you can march. we're all behind you!

Dari said...

I'm so sorry for everything you are having to deal with. You are a trooper. On a lighter note, I love the name you have chosen for your daughter! It is beautiful.

Allegra Smith said...

Thinking of you. No advice is needed or extended. Sweetpea is swimming happily oblivious to what is going on outside her safe pod and you should join her, even if your swimming is inside your tears. You will look upon this someday and wonder what happened to you "then".
Love as always.

PS:a thought, have you ever tried this: Guided Meditation: Six Essential Practices to Cultivate Love, Awareness, and Wisdom
By Jack Kornfield? I have in my iPod and it has gotten me out of some serious dark corners by sheer will, something you have more than your fair share of. Just saying...

Still Life With Coffee said...

That line about "Nothing cheers up a girl like her husband trying to get in her bloomers, especially when they are size Large and she's not feeling so hot these days".... so true, so true!! I remember how crazy making being pregnant can be and I totally sympathize with how you are feeling. Lots of hugs coming your way from Seattle. I have no magic cure. But like you are already doing...exercising... walking every day helps my sanity more than I can say. Daily gratitude lists (just like I've seen you do). Grab yourself a The Happy Book (swear to god this journal really brings on the happy) Better yet, send me your address and I'll buy one for you. <3

~Amber Elise~ said...

Maggie, It is all real. I hated the advice of the depression, especially with pregnancy and I had no meds. What I hate the most is that I can look back, I can see how problems seem to fix themselves, and yet when new problems arise I get crazy again, knowing that all things pass. You ARE NOT crazy. I mean what is crazy, don't label yourself, You are much more than that. I am sending lots of positive energy your way.

La Belette Rouge said...

I am so sorry you are hurting so. I hope you find some relief.

katiecrackernuts said...

Salvation Army, I think, the onward Christian soldiers thing.
I like the idea of an army of salvation. The good fight. A fight to the end, be saved, or damned. Fists up honey. The bells gunna ring in the next round. We're all here in your corner, if it helps.

Sara said...

So glad I found this little corner of the interwebs, and jesus. I get it. It sucks and fucking blows and advice does make one want to punch a fucking nun in the face. Or something like that. But you're not alone, for what that's worth.

svasti said...

You know what I think? That this baby will be worth every tear, every moment of frustration. Everything.

I am sure you can make it, and I'm sure your family can, too.

This baby has been a wonderful miracle and has already shown great tenacity. And she is made of the stern stuff of her parents, two people who've gone through hell and back already in this life. She will be okay and so will you. Go Biggie Pea, go!! :)

mrs.notouching said...

I don't know Maggie... I somehow think that your son will grow up to be more sensitive and understanding man precisely because you are going through this. You teach them how to love and then you show them the real world - the one with pregnant women, depression, sacrifice and unconditional love. Women in his life will thank you... I think. But what do I know - I'm only 35 weeks pregnant and a little insane myself. Love to you.

CitricSugar said...

At least you are honest about your crazy and own it.

I am sending you buckets of hugs, pints of internet (and therefore pregnancy-safe) Guinness (which is apparently recommended to pregnant women in Ireland, which isn't advice), and as much sanity as I can spare. Keep well as best you can!

Maggie May said...

i love you guys.

Petunia Face said...

Oh, I hear you so. I'm trying to get pregnant (shhh! it's a secret) and am freaking out about having to get off my anxiety meds if I get pg.

Love the name Ever. Just focus on that. Because this? This is Temporary.

xo,
S

saracita said...

You are a brave lady and one of my heroes, even though I've never met you. But guess what? You'll have Ever (love the name!) at the end of this... and eventually you can have the stiff drink, too. ;)

Mwa said...

Aaah. I feel for you. And I don't have a teenager to deal with. Which must make it all harder.

I told my gynaecologist that I was feeling frightened and anxious and that I felt I was about to lose it, and he told me I just had to stop doing that, decide not to be scared, and did I have another question. Fucker.

x

michelle said...

hugs to you Maggie May, and to every member of your family

Modern family, modern weapons...

Therese said...

Ever is blessed.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

No advice here either...but know you are loved. Tomorrow is another day and the next and the next and so on...

You are in my prayers...and I hope you know I mean that, it's not just something I say.

mindyschroder.com said...

hugs... you are beautiful. you are wonderful. keep on keeping on...

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