Monday, June 21, 2010

pregressions

I'm down to half the zoloft, those little blue fuckers that saved my mind once, twice, three times.* And: I'm half capable of handling stress, small slights, the UnFriending of myself by my oldest son on Facebook, the slight shift in my husband's thrust which assures me I am un-sexy, possibly disgusting, a ridiculous insecure vain stumbling fumbling creature doing the almost subconscious act of growing an entirely other human being directly above the triangular gate that brought her there. The unfriendly face of a co-worker makes me want to bite my knuckles or throw baby powder at her. The whine of my eight year old daughter competes with the hedge trimmers next door. I am sure that I will never want to have sex again for this entire pregnancy, and am shocked by the resilience of desire when I submit myself** and am stolen away into a hypnotic lustful trance, one I cannot exactly replicate when taking those little blue fuckers.

I read Susan Cheever's Desire the other night, and was stuck with the giggles when she quotes a man in discussion about male gynocologists- he tells her many of them over drinks are happy to say how much pleasure they get from fondling their patients during exams, and any vaginal exam over fifteen seconds is 'just playing'. I had a male gyno and was sure, once or twice, he was having way too much fun with my young body, then ended up not sure if it said more about him that he enjoyed it or more about me that I didn't care enough to switch doctors. I thought this particular doctor was very amusing; he drove a red Porsche, had balding cul-de-sacs and business in the front party in the rear, wore his white doctor shirts slightly unbuttoned and had a feral pointy face with the flared nostrils of a man perpetually aroused. He was married and had three daughters. All of his staff were young good looking women with big breasts.

I am angry with half the world***. The more irritable I get, the more clear it seems that most people are full of shit and less clear why I bother to make nice. ( This is ... full of shit on my part, but I'm accepting these feelings as a temporary highjacking, making nice with the terrorists, bringing them bread and wine. ) If a person is irritated and makes a passive gesture ( a sigh, a face ) I'd prefer they'd just scream motherfucking bitch and get it over with. I'd just like to know what's on their mind. I'd like to be around a woman right now who can claim most of what and who she is so that I can claim my own with witness. Part of what I love about blogging is if I shared ' I can't really connect with this baby because the shadow self won't let me believe it's really going to be OK ' then every single one of you won't respond with platitudes or exhortations on how I just shouldn't think that way. Human beings don't seem to realize that other human beings just need, for the most part, to be heard. I think of this as often as I can with my children.

* yes I tried fish oil ( still take it daily ) meditation, yoga, SAME, St. Johns, therapy and everything but an enema

** yes, sometimes i submit myself to my husband. i have strong feelings about what keeps a
marriage intimate, and believe that a man and woman- if married on the basis of loving regular sex- should have sex with each other even when they don't feel like it. you know, take one for the team. i did this for three months after Lola was born and accidentally kicked my sex drive into such high gear Mr. Curry took to carrying a slightly worn, smug look around town.

***this, i realize, has no bearing on anything else i've discussed beforehand. it's a pregression- a digression during pregnancy.
izzabitz said...

I don't know what I would do without the little fuckers that get me sanely through my days. Know you (and Ever Elizabeth!) are in my thoughts and prayers. And I agree with you on the occassionally submitting to your husband thing.

Miss Malorie said...

I hear you. I hear you.

Sometimes, all we need is an ear.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Maggie. No platitudes here. I love the idea of a "pregression." And perhaps you need the postcard that hangs above my computer -- A Flock of Hateful Pigeons. I will send it you pronto by email.

Love and forbearance to you.

Drax said...

I paused between parts 4 and 5 of a mega post to read this! Carefully! AND I AM NOT SORRY, AS I WAS REWARDED! GREATLY! "Complexity and contradiction... it's the only thing worth writing about." And you can quote me on that.

a work in progress said...

your stream of consciousness merged into mine somewhere and now a swollen river floods onwards...but i am emptying, once more, not filling. my rivulets are scarlet. i need to close my eyes and take one for the team some day soon before everything gets swept away on a torrent of the everdayness. the flotsam and jetsam gets overcrowding sometimes. thanks for the reminder.

misanthropic tendencies are necessary for sanity on occasions. *nods*

Sandi said...

I love your bitchy self. Seriously love it!!

yolanda said...

yes, we need an ear. i trust marisha, my therapist...

cheer up, my dearling!!
if only you know how much i think of you, how she will be? etc.
please, be well soon!http://issuu.com/susanamartinez

this is our mag!!
don´t get angry with me.... although i am angry with the whole world too!
see? angriness is human. cry out elizabeth!! and love and peace will be with you!

you are a beautiful sexy woman so talented!! men are silly somanytimes! lol.

muchos besos, amor!
yolanda

lizzie_fitz said...

i love your writings so so so much, they take me to another place, id could do art to your words...amazing. bravo!

have you tried reiki? or crystals? apparently fetus' are really responsive to both, as both are energy work. i could send you some reiki, if youd like... let me know.
bless_this_chick@hotmail.com

you're in everybodys thoughts, well done for keeping writing, and so openly... most people would have hidden themselves in a wardrobe surrounded with empty bottles or chocolate wrappers and quilts.

you're inspiring
xxxxx

Elisabeth said...

No platitudes, Maggie May. There is room always for the truth of our darkest most hostile feelings. Better that you speak them than deny them.

When we speak them we are less likely to act on them.

It's the ones who cannot give voice to their negativity anywhere or to anyone who worry me.

I value your honesty. Thanks.

Mwa said...

That last bit - angry, irritable, shadow self, heard? That is so me just now. Pregnancy is such a weird mind game sometimes.

Ms. Moon said...

I do not trust a woman who cannot bitch sometimes. Dear god- all of us have reason at one time or another. Ah love- if only you could bring your pregnant self to my porch where I would bring you sweating glasses of tea and we would whisper and then possibly shout our bitchiness to the world and each other, say our pieces and nod and laugh. Maybe cry. Whatever.
And never, ever say, "You shouldn't feel that way." Believe me- Mr. Moon no longer says that to me. He knows better than to tell me how I should feel.

Petit fleur said...

I went off my meds when I got pregnant and was completely paranoid! I totally relate to thinking everyone is full of shit!!! Oh Maggie, it is likely hormones dancing on your mind and metabolism with their damn stilettos...

Deep breaths and walk walk walk. Walk the neighborhood. Getting out in nature to walk is great and the exercise may help keep those little buggers in line. And if not, you may be too tired to care.

Hang in
xo

Marylinn Kelly said...

"Enlightened witness" is the phrase a friend uses, the one who not only listens but knows. The unspoken yes, this happened/is happening; you did not misread the signs...

Steph(anie) said...

I agree with you completely about "taking one for the team."

And I think I would feel the same about not letting myself "believe it's really going to be OK."

I have to confess to being a sigher and face maker. Something I'm not proud of but have yet to conquer.

Marion said...

You are a treasure, seriously. You have such a fabulous sense of humor...and your writing just flows so effortlessly.

I have to say I loved sex during pregnancy tremendously. (Saw fireworks and even that pesky G-spot seemed findable). Mainly, though, because I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. Tee-Hee. Oh, and all that luscious, lovely Estrogen lubricating my brain. I swear to God I would abuse Estrogen is my gynocologist would let me. I'd be going from doctor to doctor and drug store to drug store spending my retirement fund for my habit...if I wasn't such a freakin' tightwad.

Should you ever need a teeny tiny little voodoo doll for any mean coworkers, just let me know and I'll send you one. (I'm working on one right now with the face of the chairman of BP on it....and I have some really BIG pins for him).

Have a super week. Blessings!

Magpie said...

Of course you're bitchy. We all are sometimes.

The only male GYN I've ever seen was one of the four doctors in the practice that delivered my babe - he had the best hands. I don't mean that in the "wrong" way - he was just gentle in a way that the women aren't. Still, I'd rather go to a female GYN.

Sherry O'Keefe said...

hmmm, just today i said something to someone about whether he would want to know if i was mad, or did he just want an order of sunshine and bubbles. i appreciate the blunt and raw. life is contrary. i embrace living without hanging onto *hope*.

i told the same someone before that i don't need a fix, i just have a need now and then to be heard.

~Amber Elise~ said...

I love this blog. You remind me so much of me it is ridiculous! People say, "enjoy pregnancy" Pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster! Hang in there. I've done the zoloft shit, and all the other drugs they cared to prescribe me with. I am free from it now. I experience it all and it was so hard coming of it. You inspire me. Your inspire many. Don't forget that : )

Dari said...

I love your honesty in this post. I must say I can relate to some of these things, though not all and I wish you didn't have to go through them either. I didn't have sex with my hubby almost my entire last pregnancy. Not only did it hurt but I had no desire. I am lucky he is a good man that loves me. I have decided this go around to take it for the team as many times as needed. :) That is good advice.

You are awesome and keep up the candid honesty. I love it and wish I dared to be more like that.

CitricSugar said...

Maggie... I love you. I just simply love you. (I realize that there is a shade of the ridiculous in a person you've never 'met' telling you that they love you but life without the ridiculous isn't worth it. ;-)

redsneakz said...

The stupidest thing that I've heard during Mrs Sneakz' ongoing pregnancy was the doctor saying "but this is supposed to be a happy time" to her. I wanted to hit him with a tire iron, but he may be taking care of my child during her first few minutes, so I didn't.

I hope he was being ironic.

ButtonHole said...

hyI LOVE THS: "accidentally kicked my sex drive into such high gear Mr. Curry took to carrying a slightly worn, smug look around town."
You are so funny!

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

I hear you. What makes us amazing as women is despite all we go through to get our children here we keep pressing on. We press on when it hurts. We press on when we are tired or when everyone is complaining. We press on when we feel like we are going bonkers. We just keep on keeping on. We are amazing creatures. I went to the OBGYN the other day and she asked me if it felt like I was carrying the baby in my ass. I said "Why, yes, how did you know?" and she said, "because your abdominal muscles are shot". Awesome. I then came home and found my 4 year old giving my 3 year old a mullet with the sharpest pair of scissors she could find. Super awesome.
xo from one pregnant mom to another.

Bee said...

"Human beings don't seem to realize that other human beings just need, for the most part, to be heard."

I read this and I thought YES.
My husband, who is a good man in many ways, is not good at "hearing" me. I find that very hard to bear. On a related subject (at least for me): I used to "submit," but then I started resenting it and shared those feelings in therapy. In a lot of ways I regret that honesty now. It has made my husband a lot more tentative in approaching me.

It is very understandable that you have trouble believing in this pregnancy. I think that a little bit of self-protection is okay. There is plenty of time to fall deeply in love when you know that the baby has arrived.

just making my way said...

Catching up with all I've missed. I wish I could be someone who could just yell now and again. "Motherfucking bitch" or otherwise. I am not good at expressing my anger or even my frustration. And, unfortunately in some ways, most of my family reads my blog, so I don't really want to ever go off there either.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

The very statement you make about humans just needing to be heard is why 9 times out of 10 I read and don't comment on blogs much anymore. Not that I don't need to share my voice too, but I guess that's what my own blog is for. I really enjoyed reading this Maggie, much as I enjoy reading everything that fuels your passionate side enough to put it right out there.

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