Sunday, July 25, 2010

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Post Is About You

Don't you?

Having revealed myself as a jealous insane woman of a certain age, I mentioned sadly to Mr. Curry, my mouth full of Subway, I'm really vain, honey. He looked at me and laughed, said his tag line to me- You are occasionally ridiculous. Of course he knows I'm vain. This is the same man that listened to me debate out loud whether or not another baby was really worth the possibility of ruining my incredible luck with pregnancy so far: no stretch marks, no sagging skin or breasts, no cave like vagina, no constant urine drip, no irascible fat. It wasn't a true inner debate, but the worries, the resistance was real.

Well. I am the kind that isn't vain until I am not in control over my body and face ( which really is all the time, but don't tell me ). I work out, lift weights, eat healthy organic foods to my heart's content and crappy processed food in moderation, wear a bra almost 24-7 ( please no lectures on breast cancer risk- I am sure the four years of nursing and lifetime of eating healthy and exercising will balance ) wear head to toe day to day sunblock and take good care of my skin. With these efforts, I go through my days mostly unthinking of my face and body, only the calm awareness of gratitude I have for a healthy body. Until something happens. Something like a cannon ball being inserted into my abdomen and two times the normal fluid levels swell up my face and body and an inability to exercise as I'm used to leaves me feeling haggard and frumpy and weighing more than I have in my entire life. I didn't weigh this much at 9 months pregnant with Lola. I started out this time older and fatter. Also, married, happier and stable, but try selling that consolation prize to my ass.

Pregnant sex has just rounded that corner from incredibly hot and constant to slightly ridiculous. I mean come ON. I'm normally an extremely passionate, sexually driven person, even now in my thirties, and so is Mr. Curry, it's part of our thing, what makes our marriage tick even when the tock is off. But how can I take my own passions seriously when my stomach bounces against his abdomen like a water balloon about to burst? When he tickles me in the wrong place and I worry about peeing on him? When my breasts have funny crumbly stuff on the nipples? When...hey! Did you stop reading just now? I don't blame you. And just proves my point. Sex is already kind of ridiculous, it's fumbly mumbly bumpy humpy grunting noise making fun fun stuff that leaves you as helpless and vulnerable and prickly as a wet cat. There are moments of graceful sensuality, but there is a reason sex is not shown as is in porno; who wants to watch a middle age man's face turn beet red and make a noise like a balloon with the air slowly leaking out?

So excuse ME if I'm not completely enlightened when a sleek cat like dark skinned girl with a beautiful bubble butt in short shorts swings her flexing thighs in front of my husband's face while I sit, swollen and freckle faced and makeup less, in a shirt riding slightly up my large belly and pants that are airy and comfortable makes me a little crazy with jealousy. It's not having anything to do with Mr. Curry. As the amazingly articulate and gentlemanly Scott from The Kardashian's reassures his insecure wife who just had a baby, Honey you know I try to stick it to you all the time. Mr. Curry has loved me since we were teenagers, waited for me for ten years to love him back, and lusted after me enough in this marriage alone to fill ten harems with happy women. He looks at me with lust daily, and whatever he sees in my face, it's not the same older but still me everyone else sees- he sees me, just like he always has. The compliments, the attention, to look in his eyes could be more than enough for another pregnant woman.

Well. I am occasionally, slightly ridiculous.

I also attribute my fierce protectiveness of my health and that horrible word that makes women sound like breeding horses, up-keep, to the years and years behind and ahead of us with Mr. Curry unable to keep his hands off me. So sometimes, if that attentiveness slides into the crazy jealous insecurities of a woman possessed. ( I think possessed is a fair word for the state of pregnancy, when another life literally lives inside of you ) then who can blame me?

I'm single handedly protecting the sacred union of marriage!!! *

What about Mr. Curry? I heard you asking. What up-keep is he responsible for? Are you a feminist damnit, or what!? I'll tell you my what. My what is that like many women writers I've known; first of all there is how he looks at me with those eyes, there is the intelligence, the hands, the strength and integrity of spirit ( is his soul straight? oh that is hot ), does he really like women ( so many men, it turns out, don't actually really like women- maybe they just like you, but Mr. Curry likes women- just me the best ) the curve of his ass ( ok this is just looks, but I really never liked a flat ass ) hygiene, ( not too much- I once had a boyfriend who brushed his teeth four times a day and his hair more than I did, but not too little, either ) smell ( Mr. Curry's armpits are sex and home) and then the regulars, humor, adventure, family. And then, the upkeep: What I need from Mr. Curry are his devotions to me as a woman in the singular, quirky ways I need them, to not get really overweight, ( I have to admit this would be hard for me ) to keep up his hygiene, to never linger too long in his looks to a beautiful woman, ( which he could care about 5% is I do the same to a man ) to brag on me the way he always has, and a bunch of other small trivialities that make up the enormous puzzle of a long marriage. We meet each other's needs not because we demand that they be the same, but that they both be valued.

Actually I have no idea what Mr. Curry needs from me to stay in lust. I have a feeling it simply involves keeping potato chip crumbs out of my stomach folds and washing my face. My demands are on myself and I certainly ask for more from Mr. Curry than he asks from me.

Why this last week alone I've requested he stop spitting in front of me, pluck his nosehairs, trim his facial hair and stop wearing so much deodorant! I think on Wednesday he asked me to stop wearing thongs because if I get another infection and we can't have sex he's going to lose it.

* Did I mention I'm vain?
clearness said...

You are beautiful......and wear pregnancy well.

Maggie May said...

thank you clearness :) there's something about how you feel inside with these things that doesn't even seem to translate totally to the outside, if that makes any sense. it's like a mini crisis of self brought on by some change. it's just life. up and down.

Marion said...

LOL! You're so beautiful! Be sure and appreciate all that lovely estrogen flowing through your veins while you have it. My 18 months of (2) pregancies were my favorite times of life.

I'll tell you a secret about getting old: It's inevitable, if you're lucky. I said I'd go down kicking and screaming, but at 56 and having had no estrogen for a few years now, I'm ready to give in to mother-fucking-nature AND gravity. I did EVERYTHING right in my 30's and 40's and still, alas, everything is heading south. My only hope is my son-in-law who will be a licensed plastic surgeon in 3 years. I'm trying to stay healthy enough to get everything lifted, tucked and fluffed at age 59. I'm gonna be a damn good looking old lady if I make it. LOL! Fabulous post. You are so blessed!!!! xo

Petit fleur said...

Oh Maggie! You crack me up!

Yes, you are possessed by a tiny alien and lots of hormones. It's ok.

Also, a great pregnancy exercise I used to enjoy is walking. I liked it because I could to it alone or with someone, indoors or outdoors, and I didn't have to wear gym clothes or do anything special.

Hang in there baby!
xo pf

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,
When you got to the part- Hey, did you stop reading? Nope. I just started laughing! This was a fun post, and be reassured, you are beautiful, and by all accounts, loved immensely! I'm sure Mr. Curry looks for the same in you as you in him- the look in your eyes, the love. Be ridiculous, and have fun! And don't worry- with nursing and light exercise, you'll get your body back!

Jeanne said...

"...who wants to watch a middle age man's face turn beet red and make a noise like a balloon with the air slowly leaking out?"

I do, apparently. As long as it's Old Dog...

I have a scene in the novel I'm working on where the couple, who are 50 and 51, respectively, make love, and they're not cute anymore, but they're still in love and in lust with each other.

That can happen.

Maggie May said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maggie May said...

The point of this post is to laugh!

HA!

There :)

Maggie May said...

Petit i love preggo walking too, have been doing that 3 or 4 times a week. good for the mood:)

Allison the Meep said...

Oh my god, that just made me laugh so hard. And you are so gorgeous.

I felt so unattractive the whole time I was pregnant. And even now, I tell Wade, "Are you sure you want to have sex with me ever again? It's got to be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway at this point."

Maggie May said...

Jeanne- of course that can happen, and i expect it to for me! my point was that most of the time ( i believe ) sex is not a graceful ballet of love and sensuality but more of a monkey slap on the ass.
xo

Still Life With Coffee said...

Ridiculously in love with this post...
says me... also an occasionaly jealous insane woman of a certain age...
love how funny and real you are.

Millie said...

Loved this post Maggie! Even got me thinking it may be worth my while to think of a late pregnancy (I'm only 54!!!!) to get MOTH interested in me again!! Only problem would be is that all the sons would disown me & cross the other side of the street pretending that the large elderly woman with child, was NOT their Mother!!
Millie ^_^

Lydia said...

Love the title of your post, the shot of you looking great, and the fun post.

Hey Maggie, guess what happened to me Sunday afternoon in the Safeway parking lot? I got whistled at. No biggie, you think? Well, I'm 59-1/2 years old, was wearing sunglasses and my hair pulled back, had on a stretchy gray v-neck t, and the jeans I bought 15 years ago next month in anticipation of Michael's and my wedding trip to NYC!

I'm vain in a Zen way, if that makes any sense (and I think it makes perfect sense). Since I hadn't had a whistle from a stranger for some time, and I realize that this one could even have been the last time (because there will be a last whistle - we just don't know which is the one), it provided me with a real moment of self-reflection.
And it was fun telling Michael about it later on at home!

Hilary said...

I loooove this post! (I am vain, too)

Angie said...

Hi, Maggie May!! It's nice to "meet" you, too, and what a wonderful way to be introduced to you and your blog - enjoy this wonderful time! Those hormones, they can be pesky and wonderful at the very same time!

Chelsea said...

i felt pretty sexy for like the first 8 weeks of my pregnancy, and it was down hill after that.

at least you've got a sense of humor about it.

;)

Robzilla said...

Great post and spoken so well of the little things that make up a marriage and its dynamics!

Collin Kelley said...

I kept reading even after the crumbly nipples. ;-) Another one of your amazing, honest posts.

Ellen said...

I just love your open / honesty. Say it like it is. I haven't gotten there totally with my writing (?) but you say so much with your honesty that it makes me think.

I always honored all my pregnancies as the most special time for a woman. Whether it only could be once or more it is a very unique and special 9 months for a woman to grow in her body and her mind. The excitement of it, the insecurities of it, the out-of-body of it...it is a rite of passage.

No butt swinging girl can take the honor of your full womanhood down to making you feel less lovely. Contrary the woman in full bloom is the most lovely flower to behold.

Darcy said...

This is so hilarious! I can totally relate to the pregnancy sex thing. We love sex too and I feel like it is now just an exercise in ridiculousness! I have a hard time getting comfortable or feeling sexy or achieving orgasm because of the combination of these things and also being afraid at any moment that my baby isn't getting enough oxygen because I'm clinching my abs so tight. There nothing like the thought of "I hope my baby's still alive," to ruin the mood! Thanks for this post though, sex goes back to normal after baby right?? I miss the good stuff ;-)

Mandy said...

I can't wait to read about your post-delivery sex.

:-)

Lovely World said...

Good stuff. And funny! I think women care more about the upkeep than the men. I figure an honest face and open spirit (for both of us) will keep my husband and me together as we go forward. This was challenged recently, and putting things back in order has really hit these simple things home.

Ms. Moon said...

Ah, pregnancy. I have never felt more sexy than at some moments in some of my pregnancies. It's so much harder now with NO hormones to speak of. "Hold on, honey, keep that thought, I'm about to have a hot flash."
Yeah. Very attractive AND makes you feel so hot and NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
Enjoy what nature gives you and you can keep upkept for as long as you can, honey.

Hannah Stephenson said...

Hilarious and genuine. You go, girl.

Mwa said...

I love this post. And I get what you mean. My husband is not allowed to wear deodorant at all. But then he doesn't sweat much. The sex thing - it's hard when pregnant. But I would be worried if it stopped altogether as well. A decreased frequency will just have to be put up with. Have you tried a non-belly touching position? ;-)

Kimberly said...

Hey Maggie, thanks for the comment and nice to meet you ;) I love this post...congrats on #4 :-)

Amanda said...

"my point was that most of the time ( i believe ) sex is not a graceful ballet of love and sensuality but more of a monkey slap on the ass."

EXACTLY! That's the best kind! Screw graceful sex, its all about the shag.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

My demands are on myself and I certainly ask for more from Mr. Curry than he asks from me

Oh so very in touch with that. Its the men that stick through those demands, still smile, lust for us, tell us they love us but all the while roll their eyes because they are able to tell us just how rediculous we are without fear of our reaction, that are the keepers. Its so nice to read you've found yours :-) Hope all is progressing well otherwise, I've been away from blogs for quite a while & have probably missed a lot!

Terresa said...

"The enormous puzzle of a long marriage" -- you capture it so well in this post, so honestly. Love you for it. And I think Mr. Curry does, too.

Terresa said...

PS: I gained 70 pounds with my twins (back in 2003), then again, 70 pounds with my baby #4 (a singleton) in 2007.

I eventually lost all the pregnancy weight, but my body was forever changed, as was my heart, spirit, and relationship with Mr. Wellborn. All a trade off, and all mostly for the better. (I just avoid sit ups now; I have no "hard abs/center" any more. But I can belly dance yoga, no problem.)

PPS: To be vain is to be human, methinks. I'm right there w/ya, girl!!

Phoenix said...

Everyone is vain on some level. Sweetie, you are beautiful because of your looks, personality, humor, honesty, and intelligence.

Ain't no other woman who can compete with what you got in spades.

Claire Beynon said...

You are your own universe, Maggie May! Splendid!
And this post is entirely delightful - thank you. ; )

Jill said...

You are very brave to go in for baby number two. Me, I was too vain to consider the possibility of being doubly hideous after the the first one.

Lauren Knight said...

Hilarious. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts here. We too are talking about #3 and I secretly worry about all the same bodily issues. Thank you for putting my fears into words... in an uplifting-ly hilarious way.

Jason, as himself said...

That was the BEST description of pregnant sex ever written in the history of the alphabet.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

So very love this.

Maggie May said...

Mwa-- yes, those are all on the menu :))

Jason you are just saying that because I think you are hunky.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

I'm both laughing and crying after reading this post. Your description of how you love one another is so beautiful. This pregnancy for me has made me feel the same way too. It's my fourth child (and I'm obviously older now than with my first) so I just feel like a tractor with a huge back-end-loader! :)

p.s. I once heard Angelina Jolie say in an interview that she was glad Brad was "evolved" enough to see that her body, with it's scars, tattoos and stretch marks, told the story about her life. I liked her comment and think we women are much more interesting that way.

BethanySusan said...

I love that you so freely admit your insecurities. I have a loving long-time partner as well, and I still get the jealous pangs sometimes.

Oh and thanks for calling pregnancy being 'posessed.' That really is the best description I've heard- feeling like you are not in charge of your own body is the wierdest!!!

anymommy said...

I just love you, in all your imperfect, sexy honesty.

Alicia D said...

this is hysterical!! and i guess im vain (and ridiculous too) bc i found myself relating to quite a bit in there.
i always love your writing!!

yolanda said...

you are wonderful, maggie!!
i love you, i´ll tell you i love you forever. siempre!!
my dearling!
you are ok!

y.

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

You are wonderful and brilliant and simply freakin' fantastic... I got some excellent live through moments from this Mag! Thank you... and as always... you rock.

michelle said...

Awesome, Maggie May.

I felt gorgeous through all my pregnancies. Happiest non-medicated times of my life!

thanks for this post

Bee said...

This post kind of sums up why I love to read you . . . and why you are like no one else. Every time I visit your blog I read that quote about "what would happen if one woman told the truth about her life" and I always think how APT it is for you.

I think you are vain in a good way. Call it healthy pride.

Irish Gumbo said...

I read every. damn. word. of this incredibly ridiculous and beautiful and loveable post.

You have love for each other, and that is gold, baby!

And I did laugh. Thank you :)

Dena said...

this is an essay worthy of the front quarter of Vogue.

c jane said...

Excuse me, I must send this preciousness over to my husband via email.

Especially the paragraph about your needs. "His armpits are sex and home." GENIUS.

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