Wednesday, September 1, 2010

27 Weeks Pregnant With Ever and Everything Else

With the pulled rib I am careful and conscious of every motion, the swing of my arms, turning of my trunk, the way I bend over to turn on the hot water for dishes. A miscalculation and I hear and feel the pop! like a slippery chicken tendon sliding over the bone, and then pain, and then the pop pop pop with every motion for hours afterward. Ever moves like an octopus now, over 2 pounds and a foot long, with her hair color in place and eyes open, swallowing amniotic fluid, hiccuping:
I feel her move along my pubic bone and up against my lungs at the same time, push her tiny bum into the rib cage and kick quickly in swift karate chops. She moves more when she hears her Daddy's voice and her sister's voice, the two most common now outside of mine. Lola talks to my stomach as if it's actually her infant sister there, without the enormous globe of my ( still completely free of stretch marks, something small to celebrate ) stomach and distended belly button in the way. She kisses where Ever's head might be, talks to her about how much she loves her.
Most of Lola's intense fears about what will change after Ever is born have dissolved, she is looser finally, less snappy, tearful, argumentative, demanding. Relaxing into our reassurances that she will still have her routines with Mr. Curry and I, still be an individual, our special daughter, our Lola Moon, and not just the sister. She gets sent to her room for five minutes a few times a day for MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM when Mr. Curry and I are talking, or CAN I NOW CAN I NOW CAN I NOW when we ask her to wait a minute for an answer. Having two teenage brothers brings a certain snap and brat to her facial expressions and tones that need instant pruning less she turns into the kind of girl who wears I'm a Brat, So What tee-shirts and actually thinks it's cute. When I pick her up from school and see her shining blonde head and sweet expressive face, long long limbs and distinctive walk I feel a leap of joy, every time. Even when she has a look on her face that says don't even ask.
Ian's second family is breaking up, and that's all I will say about that here, except for that he is an exceptional child, with exceptional self discipline and intelligence so that I would not be surprised if one day I'm telling people I can't tell you what he does, it's secret, but he's very high up in the CIA. Ian has an uncanny knack for spotting and most impressively dishing out the most logical and fruitful path toward a goal, not something that 14 year old boys are normally known for.
He was on the phone with Mr. Curry tonight when his little sister in his second home, Evangeline, apparently climbed up on top her dresser, grabbed her glass piggy bank and threw it one the floor so that it broke into a thousand shards. One second later, baby William came crawling along the thousand shards, and Mr. Curry was quickly hung up on as Ian went into rescue mode with his mother in the background having a moment, as she took in the scene.
Note to Self: Do not give Ever a glass piggy bank
Dakota's VET ( Very Expensive Testing I keep mentioning here ) was carried out on Tuesday. On Wednesday his drug test came back positive for pot smoking, also with a huge dent in the area that shows Yes or No, which Dakota attempted at first to explain by saying he was - let's see if I can quote this directly- Trying to make the results come back faster. Hm. Let's see how stupid Mom is? How tired she is, how pregnant and stressed and not wanting to believe what her eyes are showing her? Sorry, son. Not that stupid, not that stressed, not that tired.
Finally an hour later he came into where I was washing dishes, flushed in the cheek, and admitted he'd been smoking pot. Oh my boy. My boy. Dakota is grounded until a drug test comes back clean. Outside of that, we are in holding pattern until receiving his ( now possibly invalid but not telling the school system that, because we are spending A LOT of money, way TOO MUCH MONEY on this testing to have the school refuse to make adjustments because the test is considered invalid ) results at the end of the month.

Now survival mode. We must survive living in a small house with a 16 year old boy who hates being in school all day and is as agitated as a mountain lion with a burning rope attached to it's tail led in circles with dripping meat it cannot ever actually eat. We must attempt to keep him busy with Grandma and MMA after school and the rest of the time try to avoid the smashing of any holes in the wall, the calling of the police, the running away in a fit of despair, the screaming match or any other stressful and miserable acts brought into life when you are sixteen, and
don't know what the hell to do with yourself. Dakota is many things, many beautiful, unique things, and he is also chronically dissatisfied. Something wild in him will not tame. It is our job to help him. We are helping. It doesn't mean it will work. That is what you have to live with as a parent of a troubled teenager, and it can keep you up nights holding your guts and mewing like a wet kitten. Trying to protect Ever in my womb from the poisons embedded in this environment is easier than trying to protect one healthy loved teenage boy from himself.
Your dad is an addict, we plead with him. We've taught you how these things work. You've had dinner with my friends husband, the DEA agent who busts young men like you who go to jail for a long, long time. We pulled you from one school and put you in another. We found the perfect therapist. We give you multivitamins and fish oil every night. We make your lunches. We have family night every Friday. We never compare you to anyone. We don't demand you get great grades, just pass. We got tutoring. We keep you active. We...we love you. We love you. Please. Please stop.
Robert Downey Jr. said, It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth, with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal

Seeing the positive strip on that test did something to me. It took all the anxiety from me and formed it into a weapon of mother fucking power, which is what happens when you alert a mother that her child is in danger. I am calm. I am focused. I am laser minded. I am going to do everything that is possible under the sun for this boy, and then I will wake up and do one more thing, and one more after that.

Ever will be born into whatever position the planets of this family take. She might be born into struggle, or pain, but she will be born into a unit. A family that may spend Family Night arguing, but at midnight is eating ice cream and whooping at Monopoly victories. A family that will never leave one of it's own on down on the battlefield. A family that will tell the truth.

Never give up. It's the battle cry of the human spirit, and I take it seriously.
















Trina S. said...

such a strong family and I love it!
Trina
www.mommeville.com

Mary said...

Boundaries and rules. My reading tells me that as much as they rebel against them, our teenagers crave them too.

You are fighting the good fight Maggie...

Annie said...

I feel drained, reading your post, and energized. You already know it, but now is the time to help Dakota, as you are doing. Somehow, try, try, try to get your rest, as you go about your loving efforts.

Stephanie said...

As beautiful as this whole post is (which it is), I think the most important part is at the end: A family that will tell the truth.

That's so important. Good luck to you all.

Vashti said...

Amazing post. Thankyou for sharing and being so honest. Praying for D and for wisdom for you and Mr Curry.
Much love. V xx

Elizabeth said...

Whoa. That's awesome. I can hear the whip crack but it's soft, a pleasing sound.

sarah_ontheroad said...

Wow. Just wow. I love that you have found a quiet, intense power - you seem ten feet tall and invincible. I love how you love your family - one day they will figure out how incredibly lucky they are to have you. You are frickin awesome.

starrlife said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Giulia said...

All the way to the end, Maggie. Always.

Ms. Moon said...

Maggie May, you never, ever throw up your hands in surrender.
Can I tell you how much I love you?

controllingaspicyuniverse said...

Maggie. Oh Jesus, Maggie. You have just taken all of my fears for when my boy is a teenager and wrapped them up all messy in a fucked up Christmas present (but still so eloquently - I envy your eloquence). My husband WAS Dakota, I WAS Dakota. Now we've had a son, and we're unfortunately freaked out about the teenage years with Xander. My father is a recovering addict too, and he was sober when I was a kid, so I knew the dangers, I knew my tendencies through heredity, I knew it all. Reading this strengthens that tiny dancing blue flame of hope that's living in my chest, though. That even if he does crumble in response to what will inevitably come across his sweet soul, I will fight it. His father will fight it. We will hold his hand and fight the demons together. Fucking warriors, all. Thank you.

amber said...

Good for you for not just believing when your son claimed he didn't smoke pot. My parents believed it, didn't have me tested, and I was free to roam the streets and try every other drug I could get my hands on. I swear I'm going to be a better parent and see right through all the kid bullshit, but I don't have kids yet, I hope I will be better. You just saved him alot of heartache.
The scary thing is school is where I got it from, where I smoked it...the bathroom stalls is where I snorted the uppers, and other kids' medication, Its where I took anything I could get my hands on. I hated school. I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate, I was always in trouble for talking or interrupting...some of my teachers had a desk in the hallway especially for me. I wasn't even allowed in the room. Teachers aren't very understanding, and My needs weren't being met. Now as an adult I am clean and now well balanced, I take my medication for my Adult ADHD and have never felt so normal.

I think things will get better though, they will. because you care. My parents didn't give 2 fucks.
sorry so lengthy.

Gina said...

wow, i am so glad i found your blog.
your writing is captivating.
<3 gina

YES Gallery + Studio said...

for what it's worth, my brother was one such wild boy at the age of 16, doing drugs, drinking, brought home by the cops. now he is a successful, married dad of two teens. also, and again - for what it's worth, more than one former wild boy in my life has said that this book helped them tremendously during their time of struggle... http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/0915811898

Paula said...

This post resonates with me in a profound manner...
Was just talking with my husband about how we will keep our boys from going down a path of self-destruction. How we will avoid the "bad group", how we will keep them preoccupied and away from drugs and on a healthy track... and if/when we end up in those shoes, I shall look back on this post for guidance. I want to be reminded that wherever life takes them and whatever choices they make we can't control it but we can guide, love, accept them for them, and never get up.. Your an amazing mom. Your children are fortunate with love, support and compassion..They will see it one day...

Marion said...

You're such a great, strong, loving, fierce mother, Maggie May.

My greatest fears for my 2 girls was drugs and I'm so thankful they managed to avoid that minefield. But my husband and I both smoked pot often in the 70's and to this day we regret it and wonder just how far we could have gone had we not spent so much time zoned out...oh, the wasted years! Hang in there and stay strong. You're a warrior! Blessings! xoxo

YES Gallery + Studio said...

an afterthought, in case anyone thinks i'm being flippant by recommending a book: when i was 19 i had a nervous breakdown and two books almost singlehandedly got me through. so recommended reading during times of struggle are not something i take lightly. (and, for the record, they were 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' and 'franny and zooey.')

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I was a chronically dissatisfied teen, too. My poor parents went through a lot. I wish you well, Maggie.

If it's any help, I think I turned out okay. I've never seen the inside of a jail. I dabbled in drugs, but did not get hooked. I make a productive living and finally have a good relationship with a kind man. Because of your love and attention (very important that), I believe Dakota will come out okay in the end.

I love you much,

SB

Yuliya said...

Maggie how did you find me? So glad you did. This post has left me amazed, inspired and terrified...sending good vibes your way.

izzabitz said...

You're a brave, proud, fierce, loving mother. You are who they need.

Mel said...

You are so strong Maggie. You trust your gut instincts, stay focused and tell the truth. You are doing everything you can to help your son, you should at least have that kind thought in your head each night as you try to sleep. I hope all turns out well.
I too was a wild, troubled child who had her parents fooled, and took many senseless risks with my life, thanks to addictive tendencies. I wish my mom had been as vigilant as you. What saved me was the love of a good man, distance from the old crowd and a job that made me feel good about myself. I hope things work themselves out for you and your family. You are truly an amazing mom.

Mwa said...

Oh Maggie May you are great and so lovely. I wish I had a mother lion like you.
About Lola - it will get harder for a little while when Ever arrives. Just remember it passes. We have it now with our two, and I keep reminding myself this will pass. I can't not give a lot of attention to the baby, and they can't not be jealous, even if I try to spend a lot of time with them as well.

Ellen said...

The power of mothering is incredibly strong. We want to protect for all the right reasons! I give you a standing ovation, you and your husband, for the strength to never give up, never let your guard down, provide the love unconditionally through the war on drugs in your home.
I think your thoughts on what life for your Ever when she is in your arms is realistic. We had a troubled daughter and our son well remembers the tense times but he also knows well the love we all had even on dark days.

Bee said...

STRENGTH.
What a lot you are going through right now. I admire you so much.

krista said...

"A FAMILY THAT WILL TELL THE TRUTH" yes yes and yes.

CitricSugar said...

Battle on, Warrior Princess. Battle on.

katiecrackernuts said...

Our battle started when she was 14, maybe even 13, but we hadn't yet polished our armour. She's 19. The battle ground is a little quiet but I feel a rally ... and my partner, I think, may have laid down arms. I'm braced. You are never not braced. Never. Ever is in your braced body now. She'll come out hardened and ready ... your side, or his, who.ever. knows.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Absolutely loved this. Mothers like you, that never surrender, teach their children the true meaning of love.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Never give up is most certainly your family's motto in life. I have to say your propensity to do just that (ALL of you but mostly from your perspective of course) never fails to inspire!

Angella Lister said...

I am blown away by this, by your love and resolve and your writing and fierceness and honesty. wow.

speechless.

Corinne said...

I've got tears in my eyes from that last bit.
Beautiful. Painful, but beautiful.
(thanks for stopping by today... I feel like I've been here before, but must have thought I'd remember w/o bookmarking... silly silly mind ;) That's been remedied...)

akka b. said...

I LOVE your heart. And your goddamn willingness to fight it out when you have to. mmmn...

Stop by my page for cheering. I just released my brand new Vid/POEM. I'm kind of bouncing about it and I want you to see.

xxx

Barrie said...

I am thinking of you and yours. xo

anymommy said...

You are an incredible person. I love reading about your life. It's real, with so much love that there is nothing to do but pull for you all to come through it happy and strong. That's all any of us get to hope, isn't it?

Ida Mae said...

Wow I love this.
ever so much.
as a child who *might* have been like this.. You are i believe doing the right thing.

It is so, so very hard. and there is always you second guessing yourself...
agh!

maybe you have peace.

p.s. I absolutely LOVE the name EVER

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