Friday, June 17, 2011

The Family Wedding Disaster From Hormonal Hell

Here we are at Mr. Curry's cousin's wedding. We arrived on time. A good beginning, an unusual beginning for our family. Lola wore Justice. Ever and I wore Target. The mens were looking good. My husband's ass is a mover's ass; it's gorgeous, and even more gorgeous in black dress pants. We had stopped at Starbucks and Target on our way to the wedding, Lola and I running into Target last minute to find some accessories for my dress. I picked cheap and beautiful silver bangles ( I'm wearing them now- I"ll wear them all summer, I love bangles, and they go with everything ) and long black feather earrings. Lola pouted while I shopped. I considered this. Earrings and bangles in my sweaty hand, I asked her if she wanted to buy the earrings she had been carrying around. I don't usually cave, but this was a special occasion and Lola and I rarely shop together. She already had pretty earrings on, but she wanted the new earrings, of course.


My first mistake was caving. The mistakes I made afterward are too numerous to ensure a correct count, but let us attempt to document them, you know, for shits and giggles.


List For Shits & Giggles

1 I didn't eat before we left, instead consumed coffee, ensuring that my nerves would be even more high strung than usual.
2 While entering the wedding, I failed to communicate to my husband that I was entering a mental twilight zone, where rational thought and emotion was leaving me.
3 When Lola asked me Mom can I please take these earrings off they are killing my ears for the second time, while crying, I said no!, because everyone knows that special family occasions are the best time to ensure catastrophic meltdowns and make a point, because I didn't spend seven dollars after you whined at me (guiltyguiltyfeelings) so you could whine at me again until I cave and let you take them off the first ten minutes of the event. SO NO YOU CANNOT TAKE THEM OFF, MY WHINY UNGRATEFUL CHILD.
4 Continue to fail to inform my husband that my unexplainable panic was becoming epic and as the breast implanted skinny tanned drunken blonde chased after the even more terrifically drunk groomsman across the lawn of the event, I became convinced that I was a jiggly, enormous old looking mess, and promptly wanted. to. die. ( In my defense* I'm so hormonal since ee's birth. I cannot emphasize this enough. )
5 Panic further as I slowly realized that we were the only ones who brought our children. As in, THE ONLY ONES. Were we allowed to bring them? Yes. Did we RSVP for each individual family member. Yes. Did everyone have a secret memo saying Nah, I'm not bringing my kids either and never pass it to us: YES. The awkward/old/ugly panicky feeling became horrible. I broke out in a cold sweat, holding Ever, feeling enormous and clunky an MOTHERLY ( the irony! oh sweet irony, you stupid bitch. ) and was horrified to see
6 My eldest daughter SITTING ( the amount of capitals in this story is meant to inform you of my emotional state during this time, not to annoy the hell out of you ) in the middle of the throngs of people walking around, holding her head in her hands while almost crying, in silent protest of my refusal to let her take the damn earrings off. Next mistake
7 was becoming ENRAGED.

8 I grabbed her arm hard enough to hurt ( I can count on one hands the times I've done that. This was a really, really, really, really bad day for me. Sigh. ) and pulled her up, whispering in my best Mommy Dearest impersonation You better get it together right now. You are embarrassing me. If you do not stop pouting you will not watch TV all weekend. Her face crumpled even more. Oh my Lola.
9 I took her out front and stood, Ever in arms, making Lola stand behind me. I was so embarrassed at the entire situation, my own emotions and Lola's ( first time ) public meltdown
( I know you are thinking to yourself that some other people might have been having a public meltdown as well, and I KNOW THAT SOMEONE ELSE WAS BUT SOMEONE ELSE IS ADMITTING IT SO LETS BE NICE ) that I was literally afraid to talk to her, least I do something unforgivable like curse at her ( I've never) or slap her (never done that either). Maybe this wasn't a mistake, on second thought.
10 When my sweet husband sat next to me during the actual wedding twenty minutes later, I refused to talk to him about why I was being a total freak from outer space and sitting with what was, I'm sure, a really robot looking smile on my face and crazy black and white spinny wheels in my eyes. I was afraid I'd bawl. So instead of being glad he was so sweet and supportive and loving and delicious assed, I made things worse. Let's leave that there, where it belongs, HIDDEN FROM ALL HUMAN VIEW.
11 The entire bottom of my heel fell off.
12 We left.


Still, this happened. It wasn't all bad.

* i really, really need one
Holly said...

i dont know what you are talking about, look how hot you are in that first photo! short lil sassy dress wearing mama, that blonde tanned tits mcgee has nothing on you ;)

CitricSugar said...

Wow. Big hugs, my dear. Nope, nix that. Giant bear hold of iron strength allowing safe kicking and screaming until the hormones balance out and play nice.

At least the day is over?

Courtney said...

No need for a 'defense' my friend. I get upset/cry/meltdown/get angry/get super happy/......all the time since I had Henry.

The other day I cried while taking Henry to my mom's because the song 'Into The West' by Annie Lenox was playing on my ipod and I love it and want it to be played at my funeral ((weird I know)) and think of Henry when I hear it so I started crying. Then I stopped cyring and got it together. THEN there was a practice fly over (you know with fighter jets) for the Indy 500...and I saw it and started crying again because 'those jets are so majestic'....what is happening to me!?!?!?!?!

In the words of Monica "it's just one of those day....."

Drax said...

"Oh you are a terrible, terrible, terrible person and a terrible, terrible mother."

[Did that help? Didn't think so.]

You've got all kind of courage, girl. It'll be ok. Your babies will be okay.

— as articulate as I can muster, my bad, me tired

silverfinofhope said...

Sheesh, I've had those terrible terrible zombie eyed days, too. Don't feel bad, lady. Your legs are like totally calling to me in that photo! You look sassy and saucy and svelte.

Amelia said...

Oh my, I have felt these feelings. We are all only human, and mothers are a bit more human then everyone else. You are beautiful.

Elizabeth said...

I'm with Holly, the first commenter and would add that what about your LIPS?!! They're gorgeous!

I love this post -- all that honesty and hilarious observation of yourself and your family is priceless. Anyone with any sense has been there -- in nearly your exact shoes (well, maybe the heels didn't fall off!).

And the part about bringing your kids reminded me of a party I went to in NYC shortly after Sophie was born. The host (whom I despised, but the party was for a dear friend) assured me that it was fine to bring the baby, so I did and it was in an incredibly fancy apartment and there were NO children anywhere and she greeted me at the door with this: "Oh, saving on a babysitter?" And that was sixteen years ago --

Oy.

I hope the rest of your weekend is wonderful, but thank you for giving me some good laughs --

Vashti said...

Maggie if it makes you feel any better......I have not got baby hormones racing around my body and I am still like this!! Im in the UK and have had 400 meltdowns in 2 weeks (or so it feels) I dont know why.
And FYI in the photo you are WAY too hot to trot!! xx

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Daaaang girl. Nice gams.

Lone Star Ma said...

Happens.

Marion said...

Damn, Maggie, I'd have felt exactly as you described, too. (Loved your "Lola wore Justice, Ever and I wore Target." Tee-Hee. I've often wanted to say, "I wear thrift shop and Goodwill!" Your sense of humor is pristeen and luminous...and you all look simply gorgeous, just awesome!!

I remember having public meltdowns often after birth, especially my second child. You're not crazy at all...in fact, this sounded perfectly sane to me what with NO-DAMN-BODY letting you know that they weren't bringing children. And for the record, I think most all of us hate skinny bitches with a passion. ;-)

Sending hugs & love & admiration for your excellent, witty writing.

Blessings,
Marion

"Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie - not perfect but who's complaining?" ~Robert Brault

Ms. Moon said...

Perfect storm for disaster. Ah, love. We've all been there. Dancing with the crazies while everyone else seems to be dancing to music we can't even hear for the POUND, POUND, POUND in our ears.
I love you, Beautiful. In about a decade you will realize how gorgeous you are.

Maggie May said...

Oh my God you guys are having the best lines here!

Holly tits mcgee: EXACTLY!

Citric: Over, over, over!

Courtney: you made me laugh out loud. "those jets are so majestic" what is happening to me?!!
I TOTALLY relate.

Drax actually your comments always make me feel better. You are the business.

Silver: svelte! i'll take that and a bag of chips.

Amelia: GREAT line, can I use it?

Elizabeth: Well hell, thank you! And your NYC host: bitch.

Vashti: so glad to hear from you! hot to trot is good :)

Steam Me Up: I'm always stoked to hear from you, Queen Humor. Your talent is legendary (in my mind)

Lone Star: sigh, it does.

Marion: re: Target and thrift stores: ha! totally! And the props on my writing are priceless to me. THank you.

Ms Moon: i love you. and i like to think i do appreciate my looks, my age, etc. it's just sometimes...

K Soucy said...

Well, at least you looked cute. :)
A mother of four, with a newborn no less.
Empathy though.

Allison the Meep said...

The scene you described is pretty much how every family function used to go for us when we lived in L.A., where I was an emotional wreck, Julian would be a total nutbag, and I'd lose my shit in front of everyone. I wonder how many of my family members actually considered calling child services on me. Ha!!

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh, this post. I can relate so so so so well. I'm sorry your day was so bad. I sometimes go into outer space weird panic world, too.

Petit fleur said...

First of all, you really need to realize your gorgeousness Maggie. You just plain do.

Also, I laughed my ars off at number 10. When I read the part about the robot smile and the black and white spinny wheel eyes, all I could think of was the Grinch! Remember when he is phasing into describing all the "noise noise NOISE!" of Christmas? So, you're gorgeous, talented AND funny! What more is there?
xo pf

Amelia said...

I'm flattered, and absolutely. :))

Freida Bee said...

Wow, you copped to way more than I would have. Your family is beautiful and very human.

(Also, my very fashionable 18 year-old bought those exact feather earrings from Target.)

See Kate run. said...

Don't you just LOVE those days when you can see yourself on the roller coaster, you watch the top of the hill click, click, click... and all you can do is ride the fucking hormone cart screaming all the way down?

*It will be over soon, it doesn't feel like it but dear God let's go home so this can be over sooner and with less public exposure*

On a separate note, you look hot as hell as well as beautifully womanly in that very real, powerful way. Don't doubt it (when you can help it).

Bethany said...

oh Maggie, poor girl. Hang in there.
the swirling eyes made me laugh out loud at my library desk.

BCS_Producer said...

I work for a national daytime talk show called “The Bill Cunningham Show”. We have a upcoming episode on “Wedding Disasters” and I just read your story. I would love to hear more behind this story to hear if there is a possibility of you coming on our show! If selected all flights, hotel, and food money is provided and you get to share your story with the world. Please give me a call or write me back. My number is 212-419-7479! Looking forward to hearing from you!
-Randi

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