Monday, April 25, 2011

Very Superstitious

Watching Lola dance I thought about the forward motion of life and how we can be still inside although the world, of course, moves onward. This persistent timeless movement cannot be timeless and movement in the same juncture, can it? Or can it. So my childhood was so terribly hard, but then-  Dakota and then the children in succession and my husband and fighting daily for health has given me the freedom and right to say in all honesty life just keeps getting better.  So my childhood was terribly hard, and while it all keeps getting better I have one witchy eye rolled backward, to view the other spinning side of the coin... the dark and faceless. No matter how many self help books or gurus or almost dead grandmothers tell me to stay in the moment and stop worrying, my blood is full of cortisol aged as brutally as I did as a child.  So that it sticks to the cellular membranes as if it fears for it's life. It fears.

If I am laughing with Ever's little tongue poking in my mouth as it does when I kiss her, and Lola's long arms wrapped round my waist and my family around me and the dogs and music and everything illuminated, then the witchy eye is rolling upward to the sky in fear of a God who might decide I am too blessed and too happy and the pendulum has swung too far from the place of my birth, and lightning will strike and where there was this joy there will only be a sign that says  She Was Stupid Enough To Believe It Would Last

I am telling you these things and I have faith that you won't mock me.*

So I come to write about my life and my fingers are heavy and full of fear.  I could write i have never been so happy but I must be punished if I do. That's the ridiculous nature of my brain and still, the incessant warnings take iron discipline to ignore, and I am not known for any kind of discipline at all. 

Perhaps this is why sex has finally become the torturous ordeal to obtain that we are always warned it will be when married with children. We made it through three kids and still went at each other often, but Ever's CSection and hospitalization and being the fourth and first baby I have to work with, Mr. Curry and I keep promising each other all kinds of pleasure that feels totally out of reach once we actually lay down.  We are so exhausted.  The fatigue of babyhood and children and illness and working has taken us into another world where we are practically reduced to tears at the thought of truly cleaning the house and making dinner. I think about Mr. Curry all day, his long knotted arms, the muscles of his thighs, the broad thickness of his shoulders and back, the working grit of his nails, the rough of his hands on my skin... and then when we face each other we fall asleep snoring like the grandparents at the nursing home in Raising Hope. We leave each other sexy  notes, we sex-t, we whisper into each other's ears and nuzzle like cats, we do everything but actually have sex. But when we do? It's memory making. That has to count for something. 

*She Was Stupid Enough To Believe They Wouldn't Laugh (?)
Tricky said...

I don't laugh because I totally, totally get it.

Ms. Moon said...

I get it too. You know I do.
But look- as to the sex thing- there are times in life when we just don't have the energy or desire for one reason or fifty and it's all the other stuff that keeps you glued and you've earned that other stuff and the sexy will come back when you can both get some sleep. Sometimes you have to redefine what love and sex are. A little.

Darcy said...

Dave and I are like this too! It's the time, the moment of just having the baby i think. We are so tired. But when we do? oh. my. god. yes!

so yes, i think that counts for a lot :-)

Amanda said...

Chiming in to say "I get it" as well. But perhaps the good things you have now are the karma for all the bad things you've endured. So revel in them. And the "sexy" will eventually come back. You two have such and adoration for each other, an unshakable WANT that comes through your writing. And just THAT counts for a lot.

Brigindo said...

I don't consider myself superstitious at all but I've never been able to completely shake the feeling that at any moment I'll turn the corner and run into overwhelming grief.

As for the sex, I think it is far more than the physical (although that is awfully fun and nice) and what you guys are doing is sex. It is just a different kind. The physical aspect will come back. Children, even the youngest of them, do grow up and become less physically demanding.

Ramona Quimby said...

Oh, I get it too, Maggie. It's so hard to be hopeful when the past was a bitch and snuffed out any kind of hope, and you learned not to be hopeful as a kind of self-defense. I try to tell myself, in these rough times, that I would want Jonah to have hope, that of course he SHOULD embrace his happiness when it comes, that it would break my heart if he ever felt like I do sometimes: worried to feel happy, worried it would be taken away. The other shoe would drop. But, oh--the Universe or God or whatever it is up and out and in there--wants that for you too, maggie. I promise. Even when we don't necessarily believe it for ourselves.

And the sex thing? Well, I can't help you there, but I do suspect that you've still got it, and fatigue passes, and the fact that when it happens, it counts? Hell. I suspect a lot of folks don't even have that.

Allison the Meep said...

Understood, lady. You are completely understood.

I kind of view it as seasonal. Right now, when I'm exhausted all the time because Audrey is a neversleeper, the sexy is out of season. It'll be back though.

Only A Girl said...

I have those thoughts too.

Millie said...

You guys need a weekend away sans all the kids & worries of everday life. Once Ever's weaned make it a priority - promise me.
Millie x

Lora said...

It is memory making, and it counts for everything.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon is right, as usual, I think the sexy will come back after Ever is a bit older perhaps.

Love you, Maggie. And I would NEVER EVER mock you. I think the same way, and I had a pretty happy childhood--if I am too happy--then surely it might be taken away. Human nature is perverse.

37paddington said...

it will so last. and at this stage of baby raising, the swet anticipatory fantasies and the skin against skin cuddling, all sunk down in exhaustion and happiness, is as good as sex, and keeps the promise of future sex alive. enjoy. enjoy. enjoy. it. will. last.

krista said...

i'm having issues trying to even keep up a sex drive with one baby and 22 weeks pregnant. but the wanting to? i think that's the key. if the want is still there, you're still golden. i mean, it's the thought that counts, right?
(or is that only for poorly chosen gifts? i get so easily confused these days...)

Petit fleur said...

OMG I will email you because I do not want to over share here in your comments section, but seriously. Sex has been the last item on our agenda for the last 5 years or so. I mean, yea we do occasionally, however I have a theory... Here goes.

I think that many men are becoming more involved parents, and as such feel the exhaustion of going going all day... they work all day, then come home and try to spend time with kids before bed and give mom a break... We rush around and do all the stuff we could not do while they were at work. Then dinner, then exhausted collapsing.

I think in the olden days, men ignored their kids more in that they worked all day, then expected dinner ready, then it's time to relax with a book or the paper or tv.... no time with kids... therefore sex was more appealing because essentially, their life did change. I think they also had more affairs due to that dynamic. Our men are more involved, and much like us, too exhausted to have affairs! If we did want to, we'd have them with each other! ha!

You guys are so normal. It will get better.

Marion said...

I think all mothers have that fear at some point.

I'm reminded of Wang Lung and O-Lan in "The Good Earth" by Pearl S. Buck when they had a boy child and they covered his head when going to the little temple and O-lan said when leaving, "Oh, how terrible that I have this pock-marked girl and not a son!" She didn't want to tempt the gods. I totally get that. That's one of my top ten favorite books of all time.

Great post, Maggie.

Love & Blessings,

Caroline said...

I can relate to this.
But then I think about this: Albert Einstein never believed in a God that managed the details of our lives. There is certainly comfort in that kind of thinking. God as creator? Yes (I believe). God as chess player opposite us? Notsomuch.
This was beautiful, Maggie.
p.s. Every single bit of happiness you have--you deserve.

Mwa said...

Give it some time. You are doing so much better than you might have been. Taking the pressure off is often all you need.

Middle Child said...

I too suffer from the "What if's..." and it seems that every time in my life when I have had a few years of feeling blessed something shockingly horrible comes along. I have just got to drag myself out of that mind set sometimes.
Re no sex - My husband was a high level Quadriplegic for the last 25 years of our 35 years together. Before his accident he had the most beautiful set of shoulders and we were pretty full on - after a period of adjustment although his body was so terribly injured - he was more of a man than most men I see about. Our love deepened and as humans do - became inventive...he was the most patient and physically aware person - and it was my pleasure to have had the time I did with him. There were times I was dreadfully tired - once I even went to sleep when he was being amorous - and he forgave me after a bit of ribbing - you and Mr Curry will get through and I think its great how you think about him the way you do - more women should still be in love - but then it depends on the man they have tied their sail to I guess

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