Monday, August 6, 2012

Maggie's Complaint ( Not related to Portnoy)

I've noticed that a very hard childhood is often followed by a very hard adulthood. If  I could take note of the statistics of exact proximity of Dangerous Childhood Incidents and Other Threatening Emotional States to the exact proximity of a thriving, healthy adulthood then I could make a report, publish it to much acclaim and much ado, critique and disgust, infuriating many parents and also many human beings who would like to use their life as example of why my stats were bust. I'd like to be a researcher for each important issue in my life and become an expert, a brand of sorts, someone that others depend on for their reliable, informative tweets. 'That girl, she knows her shit', they'd wisely think before clicking FOLLOW. My Facebook pages would each blow up with keyword and research driven postulations, being extremely careful not to simply state things I like, and things I do not like, as according to the latest information this is the least likely status to obtain interaction. We must have our interaction. Many a day. I must have my interactions. I can use a phone, a computer, an Ipad. I can be in my bedroom, living room, your room or the bathroom. I close the computer, satisfied. Smugly, I look around the room. I know my shit, I'd think. 

I believe parenting makes me a small bit more insane every day. In somewhat proportion to this, I also become more aware of my insanities and more disciplined in controlling them. This is not a favorable trade off in my estimation.

Because I took note that very hard childhoods are often followed by very hard adulthoods, I expect to be quickly informed by the internet all the various ways that this observation and belief is incorrect. If I were an expert, I could argue back with my razor like intellect zapping facts and intuitive reaches into the unknown with the greatest of calm eyebrows and lips that do not tremble. I would play the situation like an instrument for which only my mouth is suited to coax into song. I would rule.

I would not use the words and phrases:

I think
Could be
It seems

I also have taken note that male writers use these words significantly less than female writers, therefore more often being commented on their ' authentic, confident voice ' in reviews. After considering the freedom of lack of pre and post explanations for most every thought or opinion I hold, I began, years ago, the rigorous process of deleting these words and phrases from my writing. Not all. Many.

In parenting, the experts make headlines about our children. I want to be an expert. I want to make the headlines. As of now, it is the children who write the headlines, and I have the lowly, underpaid job of assisting editor and copyrighter. MOM I'M GOING OUT UNTIL THREE AM PLEASE LEAVE THE DOOR UNLOCKED I LOST MY KEY he writes. I fix the first paragraph and insert a clause noting that a new key must be made, and a phone call as well. MOM I AM A GROWN UP NOW AND I'LL MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES, NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE THEY ARE
Now this can't be true. 

I stare at this headline all night. 

The job of editor is confusing.

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