Wednesday, May 29, 2013

blue pills, blue eyes: blue

In the background there is the high constant whining of some machinery. A lawn mower? Some kind of table saw? It echoes my brain. 

The idea is that I move through this period of life as my own person, whole and awake. Instead I am half asleep and broken into dark plum colored bloody pieces. At night I lay on my bed with the reading lamp on and hold Game Of Thrones close to my face. I fill my brain with the words of winter and push against the oppressive space of everything else that moves as a tornado, around me and around me and around me with an incredible, powerful vortex of energy which holds in its center nothingness.
Winter is coming- this is a new way of saying The Nothing is coming. The Never Ending Story has an end. We might not like it.

He's not OK and we aren't OK even though, as adults go, we are. We don't scream, abuse, scare, curse, refuse to communicate, we do all the right things to Handle It The Right Way and my idea was
to get through this with my strengths and my books and my friends and remember, I'm my own person, I Can Be Happy On My Own, I can parallel play and here he is and here I am and here is life going on and yet the Big Dead Thing keeps growing in chest. There isn't a pill for it. It's 2 years now, give or take, with spots of sun. If you hibernate for too long, you die, right?

I am good and do the right things.

fish oils.
goal focusing.
helping others.
avoiding brooding but accepting emotion.
all of it.
All The Things.
wash your hair, brush the dog, beat the faucet when the leak sprays upright and wicked-
something you can attack without shame, as long as the children don't see.
of course they see.

Ally's post on depression made me feel more depressed. I'm too entrenched to find it amusing or enlightening to make little heartwarming cartoons out of this kind of trouble. 

Dick In A Box makes me laugh, though.

I am now on 50 zoloft and it's not working. 

What to do. 

I need A Plan.

Start With Yoga. It's something. I can do that. 20 minutes a day with Ever circling me and fussing, but I can do it. The time he watches her or Lola watches her is for showering or writing my assignments. 

So yoga. It's decided.

Thanks for the talk.

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