Lola and Ever

11 Days Old

Mr. Curry pulled Lola's twin sized mattress out and placed it next to our Queen sized mattress, which sits on the mattress support but has no headboard or bedrails. We squeezed ( Mr. Curry is we ) in painting the room a medium-dark blue before Ever was born, and with all the incredible cozy fluffy blankets and pillows, the beds next to the blue walls, the television propped at the end of the bed on my old white wicker trunk, we have our own nest. Ever sleeps next to me away from the cloud of blankets on the other side of me, I only use one blanket for her safety, and a small pillow. She wakes through the night to nurse and falls back asleep. After one night where I never fully woke and changed her and she pooped up to her fuzzy duckling hair, I make sure to get up at least once and change her halfway through the night. We fall asleep with Harry Potter playing on DVD as a soother for all of us. Harry Potter, especially the first few, is very comforting. Lola is the one sleeping to the side of me, while Mr. Curry sleeps on her twin sized mattress on the floor. In a few days or so, we will transition her to the mattress on the floor.

No baby has ever been kissed and cooed over more. All the kids are wonderful with her and love her completely. I took Ever for our first solo outing to Starbucks the other day and she did wonderfully. Mr. Curry gave me a set of 'rules' for helping with the anxiety and one of them is to get out of the house every day, to walk Ever in her stroller or take a trip with Mr. Curry and the kids after school pickup to the grocery store.

Lola really struggled after seeing me in the hospital. We did not prepare her for what I would look like if I had a CSection, we just completely dropped the ball on that, and she left crying her eyes out the first time she saw me, my face extremely swollen from the three bags of fluid pumped in me to keep my blood pressure stable, the large IV on top my hand pumping morphine, the tubes in my arms, the tape, the hospital ID tags, and even the strange smell of me as all the anesthesia seeped from my pores. For the first few days we were home she was terribly anxious and sad. I did the best I could, Mr. Curry did better, and we used all the tools we could think of- play, exercise, attention, thought direction. My mom reminded me to use silliness and laughter to help Lola reverse that feeling, and her advice was spot on. We are keeping her busy and she has gotten much better the last few days, back to her old self, until this morning she saw a Full House episode where the littlest girl was afraid of her dad dying in an earthquake. Lola called me from her school to remind me about a form I needed to sign, and when she couldn't get ahold of me ( I was getting wipes at Target ) began crying in the office. They called Mr. Curry and he talked to Lola for ten minutes, but couldn't get her to stop crying. Finally I got a hold of Lola and spent quite a while talking to her about how feelings aren't reality, to replace the negative thoughts in her head immediately with true, good ones, etc etc. I hate that she has this problem, inherited from me. Anxiety is much more common in women and tends to run in families. It certainly has in mine.

Lola is an amazing big sister. She picks out outfits for Ever, brings her the pacifier, rocks her seat when Ever begins fussing, holds her, talks to her, sings to her, draws her. I am so proud of Lola's enormous heart and sensitive spirit.

Mr. Curry is jack of all trades right now, working and then arriving home anywhere from 12-2 or 3pm, to go shopping and get me and the kids out of the house, then do housework, make dinner, and hold his baby girl. He is an amazing and loving Dad and has been 100% supportive of me as I work through this hormonal and chemical cocktail. His face, voice and hands steady me like nothing else.

Ever is sleeping in her swing right now. She's an angel.

Feeling Better- ee eight weeks

Post Partum Anxiety

Hello my friends. I am not able to post as I had expected. I have developed postpartum anxiety. I have had to increase my zoloft to 100 which I had so much hoped not to do. I talked to Ever's pediatrician at her follow up visit and she agrees zoloft is the safest drug for breastfeeding moms but still who wants to take a drug when they are nursing their beautiful baby. I am praying and hoping for it to work and am not sure how long to expect to wait. I think I feel maybe 20% better than I did a few days ago. This alternate world that my chemical makeup is forcing me to live in is horrible. I am afraid all day. Of everything and nothing. I tremble and do my breathing excercises. Mr. Curry is my rock. I am doing the best I can for my children. That is the focus of my world right now, to hold it together for my kids. I love my baby girl so much and hate having to spend my time wrapped in this horrible feeling. I can barely write these words. Thank you all for your loving comments on Ever in the last post. She is an angel and all the kids are wonderful with her.

Ever Elizabeth: Two Days Old

Hi everyone, my friends, my awesome support team through this pregnancy: this is our girl. Our Ever. She is sleeping in her car seat as I type, while Lola sits on the floor next to her watching TV. She is my first baby born with hair :) And blue eyes, so far, and a face so sweet and wonderful that I have kissed her a thousand million times already. She turns her face to me and starts blinking and opening her mouth to nurse with a tiny grin now, when I kiss her, because she's a genius obviously, and has already put together that Mommy kissing her and saying Mommy's here means booby is coming. Everything is surreal from hormones, drugs and lack of sleep, but I am madly in love and falling harder every second. It's like the largest roller coaster ride in the world. To love someone this much is a sweet agony of the heart. Tonight, Mr. Curry is cooking pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans and french bread, and then we will eat Nutter Butters for dessert. I will walk and nurse Ever while Mr. Curry and I watch some TV, and then the night will open with it's mysterious doors that are known only to parents of the very small. I love you all and thank you for your words of encouragement. Look at her!!!! xoxoxoxo

Would you like to meet Ever Elizabeth Ethridge Curry?

Well.... you have to wait one more day. Maggie is recovering and Ever is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. My admirable wife will be home tommorrow and give everybody a proper introduction. But Ever is healthy, beautiful and has already made a grown man cry. Pictures tommorrow I promise.

(A very sleep deprived) Mr. Curry

P.S. I really hate Hello Kitty. This blog does not endorse or appreciate Hello Kitty on their birth card.

P.S.S. She's so beautiful and perfect I can't stand it.

Coming Attractions

one more day of my big belly
ps no this is not me

The Horse Head Warning - one of the cutest, most perfect short posts ever. I literally went HA! at the end
* I always wish I had said the exactly right zinger to a jerkface. Read this story, where Stacey did exactly that. Another HA!! * Gaze with wonder at the beautiful, detailed artwork of nature by Tiffany Bozic. * Look at the new, free online edition of Covet Magazine. I really like this! * ' Seeing the world one drawing at a time '- the tagline of this awesome site, Urban Sketchers * Their patterns and products are totally my bag, baby: Rickshaw Designs

A true gentleman, published novelist and poet Collin Kelley has my respect big time. At my request, he sent me his beautiful novel, Conquering Venus which can be found for sale on Amazon here, for me to review here....and I never did. Life gets in the way, but I made an agreement and didn't follow through, which isn't like me, and I'm embarrassed about it. Meanwhile, Collin has never given me a hard time about it, has continued to be supportive and kind in his comments on Flux, and has proved that gentlemen still exist. What a fine fellow. Please go visit his blog here, and look at the bundle package he's offering for his novels. He's hard at work on getting out the sequel to Conquering Venus! Collin's writing is enchanting and Conquering Venus was a wonderful read, a love story that takes place in Paris, complete with mystery, beautiful metaphor, and intoxicating setting.

I'm going to finish a few loose ends now, then take a nap, pick up the kids from school, and I'll be back later. I am SO EXCITED to meet my baby! The Doc said I probably will be in the hospital until Saturday morning, but I'm going to try to get Mr. Curry to do a quick update either Thursday evening or Friday day to say hi and let you all know she was born. Love you guys!!

Thursday C-Section and A Significant Passage

Lola's Thank You Card to our OBGYN, front

Yesterday's appointments and ultrasound revealed a decidedly breech and overdue Evercakes. So game on: C-Section this Thursday at 12:30. I can't believe how close I am to holding my baby, to seeing her face!!!! Mr. Curry took Monday off to come to the appointments with me and we had a wonderful day. Nothing and everything. Just being with him right now is the best thing for me, feeling his big hands on me, watching his face, hearing his voice- no better medicine and no better intoxicant. My mom will be here at 8am Thursday morning to take Dakota, Ian and Lola to breakfast, and then come to the hospital around noon. Mr. Curry's sister will be there, his parents, grandparents, my mom. I am hoping not to go into labor beforehand, because with an emergency C-Section I won't have my OBGYN doing the surgery. So here's to calm uterine muscles.

Oh and so not last, so not least!---
Last night I attended Dakota's last 'official' night at the program he started a few months ago. He graduated ... with flying colors. I got to listen to everyone attending say a few- or more- words about what they see in Dakota, and I could not have been more proud. I am sure if someone had photographed my face, beams of light would have been shooting out of my eyeballs. One man, the father of another boy in the program who works as a manager in business, said that he regularly sits at business meetings with men who have half of Dakota's intelligence, composure and self assurance. He said that whatever Dakota wants to do with his life, if he sets his mind to it, he can do. He said that Dakota has a kind leadership quality with his peers that is influential and his strongest trait, and he hopes Dakota uses it as a strong force in his life. The main person who has worked with Dakota, a woman I absolutely respect and adore, talked for a good ten minutes about how much she cares for Dakota, how everyone who meets him is struck with his genuineness and big heart, and all the qualities she loves about him. At the end of the nite, I told Dakota I was going to start my OWN support group, and have everyone sit around a table and talk about me!!! He laughed and said I'd probably insist that everyone stay longer, No, really, keep talking about mee!

Now he moves to attending a follow up support group once a week. Mr. Curry takes him tonite to his discharge meeting, and when they return home, I plan on having something special for him, a small gift, just a gesture to try to tell him, again, how proud I am of him, how much I love him, how important he is to us.

Damn it. My heart is too full. I feel it will break open.

..and inside

Kiss List and More Where That Came From

Kissing Lola Moon

Grateful for my blog friends and the amazing supportive words, and the Paypal donations for maternity leave, just completely humbled, and promising, promising! to pass it on.

Reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Contracting day and night, mostly night or when walking

Water Breaking, Plug et al Bodily Functions Relating To Birth none

Dining with Mr. Curry, kids all elsewhere, cheap burger joint, ate half a basket of french fries and onion rings and a burger, tried to keep myself from crying over said burger when Mr. Curry told me I was beautiful, because I feel like the bloat monster moat monster freckled face jiggly juggle

Speaking of Crying it was last night, when I intended to make love to my husband in our new bed but instead ended up crying and crying for a good half hour while he listened and talked to me and did I ever tell you all I love my husband?

Listening To Lola talking. non. stop. nervous energy.

Luxuriating in new queen sized plush top mattress via my wonderful mom, amaaaazing, two and half hour nap today

Working Weekend woke at 6am this morning to go to work with Mr. Curry ( he is taking weekend work all the time now ) and Lola, and climbed into a SEMI TRAILOR at nine months overdue and pregnant ( no pictures ) marveled at Mr. Curry's ability to fit enormous TRex size Mayflower truck into extremely small space ( metaphor intended )

Enjoying the beautiful blue icicle lights Mr. Curry and Ian hung around our house, and our Christmas tree, which put together with a new baby, our new baby, is really too much happiness for any one girl

Loving watching TV with Mr. Curry each night, with fire log crackling and candles lit, most often eating some form of chocolate and receiving a foot rub

Hating my anxiety

Inspired by A Million Miles In A Thousand Years

Closer to Ever...feeling her move in my belly is now so emotional, I feel her feet, her entire feet, pressing upward on my ribs and cannot believe this entire brand new person is completely formed and living INSIDE OF ME, just waiting to come out, my daughter, my girl, our girl, oh my gosh!

Hoping my OBGYN appointments tomorrow ( Mr. Curry took the day off to come with me, yay! ) will result in something, even swiping of membranes...

Due Date

Today's the day. And no sign of baby :) Friday's stress test showed she is healthy, but in transverse position. I am drained of everything but waiting for this girl. I have no intellectual thoughts. No profound emotions. No depth. Just an animalistic hunkering down, a quietude, and irritation when that is interrupted. It's hard with Lola. She wants to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk...to relieve her anxiety. And all I want is silence. And people who can be around me without getting all nerved up themselves, people who can detach and be calm, so I can feel calm. Instead, mostly I get high nervous excitement, and the same questions and comments over and over. I know it's part of the game plan for people to do that, and for me to not like it, but it doesn't make it any more fun. I'm surprised how upset I feel with the constant questions and comments on my state of being. Wow you look exhausted. You are still pregnant! When is that baby coming? And most fun: My God you are huge! I don't have one ounce in me that wants to joke or do friendly banter, so when I smile quietly, then I get What's wrong? NOTHING IS WRONG I'M JUST WAITING TO HAVE A BABY ANY SECOND NOW AND I DON'T FEEL JOKEY. I FEEL VERY VERY VERY PREGNANT. I"M TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF TO FACE A HUGE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL THAT IS SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING WHILE ALSO WONDERFUL. AND HOW ARE YOU?

And anxious. I don't know what I'm facing. A C-Section?-which I've never had. Vaginal birth after a version, after an epidural?-which I've never had before, either? The way doctors handle the end of the pregnancy is nerve wracking, like at any second something could go horribly wrong. With Lola and the midwives it was assumed everything was healthy and great. With Kaiser it's been test! test! more testing! And then one time because it took Ever two hours to kick ten times, the doc decided I needed non-stress testing twice a week, in addition to my appointment with her. So every time I go in, there is one more person saying how sick I must be of being pregnant, and there is always one moment when they are confused/worried about SOMETHING, and the horrible pause until it's figured out that everything was in fact, OK. The last nurse that saw me on Friday had fuck-all idea of what she was doing, and terrified me because she saw a big black thing and thought it was my bladder and then realized it wasn't and then couldn't figure out what it was and had no problem delivering this chain of thoughts to me out loud in a highly nervous and confused voice. With my medical history I immediately was concerned it was a cyst, and she could not dispel that. I think we cleared it up that it was...ready for this shocking news... amniotic fluid!!! Can you believe a 9 month pregnant woman had amniotic fluid around her baby's head!!?? I asked the nurse what she was seeing and she said irritably, I don't know, I'm not an ultrasound tech. Then to sum it all up, she announced Ever is transverse. I replied, Isn't that a problem for vaginal birth? She chirped back No! Hm. I thought it was...I mused out loud. No! She chirped. I got home and read that vaginal birth is not possible with a transverse baby, you have to get the baby to move as labor begins, usually done with a quick epi and then an attempt at version- if that doesn't work, it's C-Section. As Charlie Brown perfected: arghahahahahhhh. As Saturday Night Live News Break perfected: Really?

It's emotionally exhausting. And Mr. Curry can't come to most of these, because we can't afford for him to miss work. So in addition to keeping myself calm, I've had Lola with me all week on Thanksgiving break, at every appointment, asking me a million questions, always asking in the end: Is everything OK? and: Is everything going to be OK? Which is so hard, because part of me just wants to yell I Don't Know!!!! I Think So! When I would like to just be crying as I drive home, relieving the tension. Instead of listening to the latest Taylor Swift and trying not to cry.

Last night we took the kids, and Evan Poe, to get a Xmas tree. Then we got respective coffees and chocolates, and headed home. It was a really lovely, cold evening and I felt very happy to be with my family. Today Mr. Curry will wake from his nap, and he and Ian will hang the lights and set up the tree. At some point I will grocery shop and Mr. Curry Lola and I will go on a walk. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and supportive thoughts. xoxo