Due Date

Today's the day. And no sign of baby :) Friday's stress test showed she is healthy, but in transverse position. I am drained of everything but waiting for this girl. I have no intellectual thoughts. No profound emotions. No depth. Just an animalistic hunkering down, a quietude, and irritation when that is interrupted. It's hard with Lola. She wants to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk...to relieve her anxiety. And all I want is silence. And people who can be around me without getting all nerved up themselves, people who can detach and be calm, so I can feel calm. Instead, mostly I get high nervous excitement, and the same questions and comments over and over. I know it's part of the game plan for people to do that, and for me to not like it, but it doesn't make it any more fun. I'm surprised how upset I feel with the constant questions and comments on my state of being. Wow you look exhausted. You are still pregnant! When is that baby coming? And most fun: My God you are huge! I don't have one ounce in me that wants to joke or do friendly banter, so when I smile quietly, then I get What's wrong? NOTHING IS WRONG I'M JUST WAITING TO HAVE A BABY ANY SECOND NOW AND I DON'T FEEL JOKEY. I FEEL VERY VERY VERY PREGNANT. I"M TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF TO FACE A HUGE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL THAT IS SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING WHILE ALSO WONDERFUL. AND HOW ARE YOU?

And anxious. I don't know what I'm facing. A C-Section?-which I've never had. Vaginal birth after a version, after an epidural?-which I've never had before, either? The way doctors handle the end of the pregnancy is nerve wracking, like at any second something could go horribly wrong. With Lola and the midwives it was assumed everything was healthy and great. With Kaiser it's been test! test! more testing! And then one time because it took Ever two hours to kick ten times, the doc decided I needed non-stress testing twice a week, in addition to my appointment with her. So every time I go in, there is one more person saying how sick I must be of being pregnant, and there is always one moment when they are confused/worried about SOMETHING, and the horrible pause until it's figured out that everything was in fact, OK. The last nurse that saw me on Friday had fuck-all idea of what she was doing, and terrified me because she saw a big black thing and thought it was my bladder and then realized it wasn't and then couldn't figure out what it was and had no problem delivering this chain of thoughts to me out loud in a highly nervous and confused voice. With my medical history I immediately was concerned it was a cyst, and she could not dispel that. I think we cleared it up that it was...ready for this shocking news... amniotic fluid!!! Can you believe a 9 month pregnant woman had amniotic fluid around her baby's head!!?? I asked the nurse what she was seeing and she said irritably, I don't know, I'm not an ultrasound tech. Then to sum it all up, she announced Ever is transverse. I replied, Isn't that a problem for vaginal birth? She chirped back No! Hm. I thought it was...I mused out loud. No! She chirped. I got home and read that vaginal birth is not possible with a transverse baby, you have to get the baby to move as labor begins, usually done with a quick epi and then an attempt at version- if that doesn't work, it's C-Section. As Charlie Brown perfected: arghahahahahhhh. As Saturday Night Live News Break perfected: Really?

It's emotionally exhausting. And Mr. Curry can't come to most of these, because we can't afford for him to miss work. So in addition to keeping myself calm, I've had Lola with me all week on Thanksgiving break, at every appointment, asking me a million questions, always asking in the end: Is everything OK? and: Is everything going to be OK? Which is so hard, because part of me just wants to yell I Don't Know!!!! I Think So! When I would like to just be crying as I drive home, relieving the tension. Instead of listening to the latest Taylor Swift and trying not to cry.

Last night we took the kids, and Evan Poe, to get a Xmas tree. Then we got respective coffees and chocolates, and headed home. It was a really lovely, cold evening and I felt very happy to be with my family. Today Mr. Curry will wake from his nap, and he and Ian will hang the lights and set up the tree. At some point I will grocery shop and Mr. Curry Lola and I will go on a walk. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and supportive thoughts. xoxo