Saturday, November 27, 2010

Due Date

Today's the day. And no sign of baby :) Friday's stress test showed she is healthy, but in transverse position. I am drained of everything but waiting for this girl. I have no intellectual thoughts. No profound emotions. No depth. Just an animalistic hunkering down, a quietude, and irritation when that is interrupted. It's hard with Lola. She wants to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk...to relieve her anxiety. And all I want is silence. And people who can be around me without getting all nerved up themselves, people who can detach and be calm, so I can feel calm. Instead, mostly I get high nervous excitement, and the same questions and comments over and over. I know it's part of the game plan for people to do that, and for me to not like it, but it doesn't make it any more fun. I'm surprised how upset I feel with the constant questions and comments on my state of being. Wow you look exhausted. You are still pregnant! When is that baby coming? And most fun: My God you are huge! I don't have one ounce in me that wants to joke or do friendly banter, so when I smile quietly, then I get What's wrong? NOTHING IS WRONG I'M JUST WAITING TO HAVE A BABY ANY SECOND NOW AND I DON'T FEEL JOKEY. I FEEL VERY VERY VERY PREGNANT. I"M TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF TO FACE A HUGE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL THAT IS SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING WHILE ALSO WONDERFUL. AND HOW ARE YOU?

And anxious. I don't know what I'm facing. A C-Section?-which I've never had. Vaginal birth after a version, after an epidural?-which I've never had before, either? The way doctors handle the end of the pregnancy is nerve wracking, like at any second something could go horribly wrong. With Lola and the midwives it was assumed everything was healthy and great. With Kaiser it's been test! test! more testing! And then one time because it took Ever two hours to kick ten times, the doc decided I needed non-stress testing twice a week, in addition to my appointment with her. So every time I go in, there is one more person saying how sick I must be of being pregnant, and there is always one moment when they are confused/worried about SOMETHING, and the horrible pause until it's figured out that everything was in fact, OK. The last nurse that saw me on Friday had fuck-all idea of what she was doing, and terrified me because she saw a big black thing and thought it was my bladder and then realized it wasn't and then couldn't figure out what it was and had no problem delivering this chain of thoughts to me out loud in a highly nervous and confused voice. With my medical history I immediately was concerned it was a cyst, and she could not dispel that. I think we cleared it up that it was...ready for this shocking news... amniotic fluid!!! Can you believe a 9 month pregnant woman had amniotic fluid around her baby's head!!?? I asked the nurse what she was seeing and she said irritably, I don't know, I'm not an ultrasound tech. Then to sum it all up, she announced Ever is transverse. I replied, Isn't that a problem for vaginal birth? She chirped back No! Hm. I thought it was...I mused out loud. No! She chirped. I got home and read that vaginal birth is not possible with a transverse baby, you have to get the baby to move as labor begins, usually done with a quick epi and then an attempt at version- if that doesn't work, it's C-Section. As Charlie Brown perfected: arghahahahahhhh. As Saturday Night Live News Break perfected: Really?

It's emotionally exhausting. And Mr. Curry can't come to most of these, because we can't afford for him to miss work. So in addition to keeping myself calm, I've had Lola with me all week on Thanksgiving break, at every appointment, asking me a million questions, always asking in the end: Is everything OK? and: Is everything going to be OK? Which is so hard, because part of me just wants to yell I Don't Know!!!! I Think So! When I would like to just be crying as I drive home, relieving the tension. Instead of listening to the latest Taylor Swift and trying not to cry.

Last night we took the kids, and Evan Poe, to get a Xmas tree. Then we got respective coffees and chocolates, and headed home. It was a really lovely, cold evening and I felt very happy to be with my family. Today Mr. Curry will wake from his nap, and he and Ian will hang the lights and set up the tree. At some point I will grocery shop and Mr. Curry Lola and I will go on a walk. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and supportive thoughts. xoxo
Evangeline said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Can't wait to see Ever!

Freida Bee, MD said...

Oh, Ever will be perfectly born at the perfect time. One breath at a time, you'll make it through. I know the feeling of being excited and nervous and I wish you the best and lots of rest.

Word tell is that standing on your hands in a pool can help the baby move into position.

Wait, I just saw this. Helpful or no, it's interesting.

deb said...

wishing you peace, Maggie.

A said...

Hi Maggie-

Of course, Ever will let you know when she's ready to come out, but here's a benign experiment that might at least gain you a few moments of quietude: my labor started when, at the midwife's suggestion, I sat and meditated next to a bottle of castor oil! May blessings surround you.

Ms. Moon said...

I will just quietly say that I am thinking of you. And sending love.

Maggie May said...

oh God, i sound like a maniac don't i!
internal becoming external and all that.

Tania said...

Please don't try the standing upside down in the pool thing. There's all those breathing logistics to stressfully negotiate (scuba equipment?). Not to mention those associated with navigating any pregnant woman into a handstand position (don't forget to point your toes).

I am barracking quietly (and calmly) from afar.

modaspia said...

oooo i'm so excited ! hang in there maggie. i had both a vaginal birth (1st baby) and then after waiting and waiting on 2nd baby, an unexpected C section. everything will be fine - can't wait to see her! xoxoxox

Drax said...

Thank god for words, thank god for writing, thank the goddess for Maggie May. Scream, babe. It'll be okay.

a work in progress said...

quiet love and support from down here.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

I carry you in my heart these days and think of you and the baby (and your babies already at home) often. Wanting to seek quiet is totally normal, as i know you know. Sending love you way.

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

i had a vbac when i was suppose to have another c-sec and i had a full spinal block. it was wierdly awesome ...couldn't feel a damn thing and had to push anyway. the point it, what will be will be and Ever will be the decision-maker.

anymommy said...

So close now. This is always the hardest, most wonderful time for me. I'm holding you tight in my thoughts. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, I don't know if this is your last baby, but two years ago it was mine and I would love to go back for a moment and feel that full of him again, so enjoy the hell out of it and bitch about it and feel the trill for me, okay?

Amber said...

I think of you daily and check for updates on little Ever...can't wait for her to make her appearance! Calming vibes for you now and in labor :)

Annie said...

Dear Maggie,
Just relax, smile beatifically- maybe hang a sign on, that says, I'm fine (just kidding), pat Lola on the hand, and say, I'm resting, sweetie. If it's a C-section, I speak from experience, and you will be fine. It's a short "bikini" cut below the hairline.

Wishing you peace and calm. Don't let those doctors and tests worry you too much- you know Ever is healthy and doing great, and with a wonderful mind of her own. Sending lots of love.

Zip n Tizzy said...

*XOXO*

Julia said...

All that Bradley and Lamaze breathing is much more useful in getting TO labor (and for parenting the child later).

You will make it. You will. The best thing you can do for Ever is to relax.

Hugs. Prayers. Confidence.

You will make it.

Vic said...

Thoughts and prayers here for you too.

My son was a transverse baby. The nurse turned him externally. Vaginal birth, healthy baby.

Hang in there.

izzabitz said...

Thinking of you and Ever.

Angella Lister said...

Oh hon, she really will be here soon. And everything will reset and be sort of perfect. Wishing you quiet spaces in the meantime. And sending love.

Elizabeth said...

No worries, Maggie. We mamas are out here, knowing what you're feeling and holding you. I'm sending love and hugs and peace to you.

MissBuckle said...

My due date was a week ago, and if this little boy doesn't decide to come tonight they are inducing me tomorrow.

Lots of love xxx

Petit fleur said...

I totally empathize with what you are saying about the way the medicals treat end of pregnancy.

When I was where you are in my pregnancy with Harley, everyone was on Thanksgiving break and I actually had to consider that in my plan making... This caused me to be incensed. Then the facts of my pregnancy were a medical nightmare: I was 42, I had gestational diabetes, my bp had been spiking and I was 10 over due with no signs of dilation happening...

Yea, they scare the snot out of you no matter how calm you try to remain. I'm sorry for that. Wish I could hold your hand and not talk. I'm with you in spirit and I know everything will be better than fine. Regardless of what the "experts" aka ones who have to cover their asses and overreact might say.

Love you so.
xo pf

Barrie said...

Back from Oklahoma and checking in on you. I will not ask, "Have you had the baby yet?" One of mine was two weeks overdue and I know how tiresome that question gets. :)

Miss Tricky said...

I used to have pretty vivid fantasies about slapping people when my son was a week overdue. It may not be healthy but it helped... everytime someone said something about me STILL being pregnant I pictured myself giving them a good, old-fashioned movie slap (a la Cher in Moonstruck) and then the smile that came with my, "Yup! Sure am!" was genuine. Just sayin'...
Hang in there- I think about you and Ever everyday- she'll come soon!

Giulia said...

We're all thinking of you, Maggie. And Ever-y-one in the famille. xoxo

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Man, I can't tell you how often I get that crying-in-the-car-to-relieve-stress feeling, but can't let go because I must also be listening to the new Taylor swift or a freebie Between the Lions story cd.

The very end is my favorite part. Just like Anymommy. It's the end of the ick and the start of the yay!
And some ick, of course, but yay! Ever!

Simply Mel said...

every day I check, I come here and hope and wait. Thinking of you...and the soon-to-be EVER in your arms.

AmandaJo said...

Maggie, I'm sending all my good thoughts your way. Ever's going to be great, you're going to do just AWESOME.

Bethany said...

that was so perfectly told.
you poor kid. i don't know how you're doing it.
yeah, every body shut UP! I want to somehow encase you in a magical protective bubble.
sending peace and calm and whatever else you need.
thanks for being so real.
wish though your caretakers (nurses/doc) would be less so and more preofessional. Sheesh!

Millie said...

Dear MM, don't worry about a thing, it will be fine. Just keep your sense of humour & your awesome sense of the ridiculous. A really, really good laugh may just be the eviction notice Miss Ever needs.
Millie ^_^

svasti said...

Dear Maggie, best wishes for your seemingly never-ending waiting period. One thing you can be sure of though, is that it WILL end. Ever is nearly here :)

mosey said...

Oh my friend, these last days are the WORST. Peace and love!

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