Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Blonde Selfie

I dyed my hair and I love it. I did a terrible, awful job; it was supposed to be highlights but I didn't like the hair cap so I tossed it, and as I started glopping on the cream, I overshot ( this sounds like a bad porno ) and as you can see, ended up with big skunky blonde, but somehow, especially when down, it works, and I love it anyway. I was blonde my whole life- a towheaded child, and then dark blonde until my pregnancy with my son, when my hair truly became light brown. I dyed it Marilyn blonde for years, until I became concerned with the effects of that on my health, and for the last few years I"ve been browny-blonde. Now I'm blondey-brown. I feel more myself as a blonde, probably just because it's what I am most familiar with. The light color also makes me feel cheerful. It's a strange thing, but true regardless of if I am looking at a sparkling bright lake or my daughter's blonde halo, that light in any object makes me feel lighter myself. Here I am, reading Saul Bellow, who I love the hell out of. His writing is so damn grown up. So confident, strong, descriptive, intelligent, insightful, interesting. I read myself to sleep pretty much every night. I'm reading Saul Bellow, Charlie Wilson's War and as soon as that is done, starting the last Songs Of Fire and Ice that has been written so far. 

I have taken life by the balls this summer and I feel good, even though I feel bad. This is my idea of what it means to be a grown-up, and I'm finally coming closer to achieving it. Being productive, responsible to love, a good mother, making my own dreams come true, being disciplined with self-care and health, while facing the deep sadness that is in my life, every day. I hold the joy of my children, their accomplishments both personal and in the world, the summer leaves, water, shouting voices of my home, the dogs and their exuberant, stupid love, the Western sky, the tapping of keyboard and successes of my work this summer up next to the heartbreak, and I acknowledge and value and hold both of them. Twin. I am both. I am all my life. 

This summer I finally got into a rhythm, a routine with working out, and am on a schedule of working out five days a week, while also maintaining a very outdoor oriented lifestyle with the kids. We swim, walk or hike ( or all ) every day. I do laps in the pool, a DVD workout, and have taken up running. This shocks me, as I have always hated running, and running hated me. Everything hurt when I ran- my ears, skin, throat, eyes, and I always had cramps and shin splints. But suddenly, I run, and I feel free. So once a week, just a slow beginning, I run with the dogs for 40 minutes. I also do yoga a few times a week, and walking meditations. I want my children to see what to do when life turns their guts inside out. This is motivating beyond anything I might be able to do for myself.

My work is taking off, too. I have a few freelance writing jobs now, and although none of them pay well, they all pay. I am also doing an editorial internship with Velocity House Publishing that just started last week, and with a big hiccup and learning curve of Office Word, I have rounded the bend and feel confident. When I applied, they said I was the only person who ever got 100% on the editorial quiz. That was awesome :) I have a handful of things in submission limbo, and a few pieces that will be coming out. Motion!

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