Wednesday, September 16, 2009

a domestic story, in ten parts (plus addendum 10a)

1 Someone asks me a question. I begin answering. Someone else interrupts and answers for me.
Then they decide this form of communication is ' yay! my favorite! ' and do it. all. the. time.

2 I turn on a fan. Someone else gets up ten minutes later and turns off the fan. They do not make
eye contact. They don't dare those sneaky hot cowards.

3 I walk. Someone else walks into me. They walk away. Without a word. Oh, excuse me. I forgot
what a queen you are. What a prince.

4 Someone asks me a question. I begin answering. Someone interrupts and says ' I know '
This someone might be 7 years old, with long blonde hair and large blue eyes and a penchant for sneeze-farting.

5 Someone refuses to get up in the morning. Someone is late to school. Someone turns to
me and says ' Thanks a lot, MOM. '

6 Someone asks me a question. I begin answering. Someone gazes off in the other direction
and it appears they have had a stroke, an alien abduction, been taken in the Rapture, or
have the attention span of a small microbe imbedded in the ass of a smaller microbe. As
a test, I stop talking mid-sentence. Someone nods and drifts off in the other direction.
A few minutes later, someone asks me THE SAME QUESTION. AGAIN.

7 I sit at the toilet. I have to urinate. After urinating, I go to wipe my Lavina. There is no tissue
paper. This is because my entire family has no hands. No arms, either. They are also legless,
and cannot move without scooting along on the ground as an inchworm, and in this way
they are able to reach all of electronics and candy, while I am getting toilet paper and cleaning
up cat shit.

8 I make dinner. I go to throw away trash. There is no space in the trash can. There is an
enormous, terrifyingly alive pile of towering refuse that is in danger of growing the legs
that my family would need to take out the trash.

9 I take out the trash. I come back in, after taking out the trash, making dinner, cleaning the
living room, putting in toilet paper, working all day, feeding animals, and before putting
children to bed, making lunches, and cleaning up after dinner. I ask someone to move their
things and clean them up. They sigh. I growl in frustration. OH YOU ARE SUCH A MARTYR,
they say.


10 I leave my house, my husband and my children, and move to Barbados, where I take up
heavy drinking and eating. I lay on the beach and tan. I get up, and head toward the hotel,
where I meet my new lover, Roberto. Roberto and I make passionate love on the floor (ouch)
and I use the rest room. I go to wipe my Lavina......


10a I stay home, and take deep breaths while plotting how I can booby trap the trash can to
spring explode on the next person who puts an object down on a full pile of trash.
Tina said...

this sounds like my house, my life.

Ms. Moon said...

Ooy. I have such a poem about this. Ill send it to you. Maybe. If I can find it.

All This Trouble... said...

Nodding in full recognition and understanding.

Lavinia, huh? Interesting....

nfmgirl said...

LOL Perfect!

Captain Dumbass said...

"A small microbe imbedded in the ass of a smaller microbe." Nice. New toilet paper does find its way into our bathrooms, but never on to the dispenser, because they are very complicated.

Elizabeth said...

This is fantastic. With all the mom blogs out there and the same stories, however hilarious, this one is IT. The legless family members is my favorite part. And, of course, booby-trapping the garbage can. Love it. Love it. Love it. Carry on, housewife.

adrienne said...

i love you maggie

Zip n Tizzy said...

You've left me hanging... did they not change the toilet paper at the hotel room?!

Annabelle said...

Hahah, your life in a to do list!

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Now this is a truly graceful way of venting lol. That's why you have something waiting for you on my blog:)

this wheel's on fire said...

"Someone refuses to get up in the morning. Someone is late to school. Someone turns to
me and says ' Thanks a lot, MOM. '"

I was so guilty of this not too long ago haha

the watercats said...

:-D especially enjoyed the microbe scenario... that was inspired!

Mwa said...

Oh, the exhausted recognition. I made the children thank me for delousing them yesterday. Small victory, but hey.

Petit fleur said...

The title of this for some reason reminds me of Dr. Seuss... and the word Zumblezay.

You are too funny honey! Let me know how that trash can rig works. I may have to make one my own self. :0

starrlife said...

Sitting here chuckling and nodding! Ahhh the joys of being needed... not.
Roberto sounds nice.

Beth said...

Sounds about right... ;)
You've got to work on those fantasies though - don't let reality intrude!

Kitty said...

i feel you. especially on #6 and #7.

Lora said...

I blotted my Lavina this morning with the EFFING TUBE that used to hold the paper.

It's 9.11 and I've already heard the words "oh, you have it so rough" twice.

I do, dammit. You just haven't looked up long enough to notice.

Rachael said...

The brimming full overflowing trash can gets my blood boiling too. Next time, I will think calming thoughts of Barbados and laugh to myself.

erin said...

Ahhh.
Roberto.
Sex.
Not having to make lunches. Again. And Again. And Again.

Badass Geek said...

Sounds pretty much like life with children to me.

Laura said...

LOVE the list!

jennifer said...

just. stop. doing.
. . . and i think having a lover named roberto would help!

PalagiGirl said...

I KNOW! Believe me. I do. My fave is when they actually get the toilet paper but instead of putting it on the roller they just set it on top of the bar. I mean, HOW HARD IS IT! Love this post. I can totally relate.

Kay said...

I liked the 10; your so witty it is just great!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Oh, Maggie. I sympathize. I totally do. When I was married, this was my life.

Free at last!

Love,

SB

Steph said...

"Someone gazes off in the other direction
and it appears they have had a stroke, an alien abduction, been taken in the Rapture..."

Oh, do I know that look.

Lola said...

Someone was supposed to make the boy read for 20 minutes last night, feed him the fine meal I prepared in anticipation of my night out and get him to shower before bed.

I came home to a counter littered with take-out crap, and the boy never read for a second or took a shower. Nice, very nice.

I cleaned up and put the trash out before passing out on the couch. No. 10 looks great right about now!

saracita said...

Lots of people complain on the internet, in various degrees of eloquence. Yours is my favorite I've seen so far. :)

red-handed said...

I read the newspaper. Someone comes into the room. They say. 'Oh, this light is awful,' and then turn off the light. Then they leave the room. Now I'm sitting in the dark, with my newspaper.

Veronica, aka "Suzy Tofu" said...

Tell the kids: "The child who helps me out the MOST right now is the one who DOESN'T have to wipe my ass when I'm old and have accidents."


Hang in there!

Bee said...

I think that many (if not all) of your readers can identify with this one! That toilet paper thing? It is universal.

Darcy said...

*sigh*, stupid estrogen. why does that mean we are in charge of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.???

Annje said...

Ah, it's the "every woman's story" like my house, minus the cat-shit. Nice venting

Kurt said...

Most of the time talking to children is like trying to communicate with a beehive using semaphore.

Juniper said...

How enjoyable, how familiar, thank you .
Love the booby trap part and yes- have contemplated a very similar number 10 scenario.... wouldn't it be nice.
love when partner goes on conferences that 'are work' in places as nice as France, Edinburgh (during the fringe festival), Italy or picturesque small town in Portugal leaving the wife with all three kids and in law 'help'. Oh to dream of travelling solo again- getting to read a magazine with no interruptions.

just making my way said...

Feel ya, sister. Feel ya.

I liked the part about Barbados. If only for the fantasy!

Kate said...

too funny! the sneeze-farting is my favourite!

Annie K said...

It sounds too much like my house. Toilet paper tubes litter my son's bathroom, and he never puts a new one on the roller. Garbage overflows until I empty it! And the vacant stares, especially when you ask a child to do something to pick up after themselves- or, was that your husband you were talking about? What I hate most, is being interrupted in mid-sentence!

mames said...

these are the exact reasons i am away for a few days with the man. sometimes it just becomes all a bit much...

i call it my yoni...my sister taught me that.

Rhiannon said...

Oh my I am so glad I dropped by your blog. I live alone without a family (thru no fault of my own it just is what it is not my choice)and yet can relate to your feelings of total frustration..of trying to communicate these days with people in general..especially when someone ask you a question and as you start to answer they are already on the next question to you or a comment they wish to make..which has nothing to do with what they just asked you! I'm like "I can't take this anymore has no one the patience to even stop pay attention and actually listen to the answer let alone the question"? It's all this multi-tasking we all think is so "normal" and that we should all be able to do...it's the pressure on all of us that it is "normal" when it actually is not..but is part of the major problem!

Well, I could go on but I'm pretty sure your laughing and nodding about now, maybe agreeing with me or at least relating and wondering to yourself "why does it have to be this way"?...because..we as a society have lost it...we're all going nuts with "hurry, hurry hurry"..

We're losing our souls..to "pressure"..makes me think of that old Billy Joel song "Pressure"..

I'm determined not to lose mine...my soul that is..that's why I have to go "within" from time to time to "regroup" or I would just totally "crumble" from all the "pressure"!

By the way I just love the photo of the dancer in your top template..it's simply wonderful...if we all would just do some "free style" spiritual dancing..maybe we might be able to set ourselves free from all this madness..I just don't know but won't give up.

Namaste,

Rhiannon

Rhiannon said...

P.S. I'm also an Endometriosis survivor...had 8 surgeries but no kids to no avail..big void in my life..as I love kids and think I would have been a great mother..but I am ..to a lot of foster kids I've met through all these years..now I call myself "the mother" to many..in a spiritual way...if you know what I mean..

Songlynx said...

Omigod thank you for making me laugh out loud until tears were streaming from my eyes!! No arms and legs on anyone in my house either, and god knows the cat is no help...

Middle Aged Woman said...

"They are also legless,
and cannot move without scooting along on the ground as an inchworm"
See. That explains it. They don't need any tissue. A long-lost friend referred to this as "ooching."

katiecrackernuts said...

Say hi to Roberto for me.

Magpie said...

And you'll patent that booby trap for the trash can, please?

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