Friday, September 5, 2008

crying it out

if i could get my mind to be quiet when i asked, i could conquer fear. my mind has a room that opens the door without my permission. inside the room it is pitch black, and there is a baby crying in a crib. i try to enter the room and pick up the baby, but i cannot. i am held back at the doorway. i cannot close the door. i cannot pick up the baby.
no matter how far away i walk, i hear the baby crying.


i saw my doctor yesterday and he is switching the Zoloft that i've been on my entire adult life. my past illness and surgeries combined with great financial stress and the unexpected call from my Father seemed to have put my in a pickle. stewing in my juices, so to speak.

and i was realizing another important correlation: i had to stop exercising a few years ago. i have endometriosis, and the cyst i had on my ovary was 6 cm.
i couldn't exercise, and then after my surgery i had another cyst, and another surgery, and then i broke my foot.

all my self medications have been taken or given. drugs- stopped as a teen. drinking- didn't drink for my entire twenties, now drink sparsely. smoking- quit at 30. large amounts of sugar and bread- stopped a few years ago, still struggle. now i have to give up my daily coffee, because it seems to be contributing. i am drinking decaf as we speak, better than nothing, but hardly a Starbucks Doubleshot.

ah and my Father.... i haven't seen him for 9 years. none of us have. and this is the way it will remain. but he found me, my number, a few months ago, and he called. he called and i answered.

' hello? '
Valerie Loveland said...

Exercise is so important to me when it comes to handling stress.

I hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm giving you a hug from very far away...can you tell? it's a big one. :)

I feel for you very much and I don't know what I would do if my father found me and called out of the blue.

Anonymous said...

We could be twins that don't look alike. I went through the give up caffeine thing--and I have slowly re-incorporated it because I love it so much. It did get me to experiment with green teas--and white teas with peach flavoring. I'm having green tea with mint right now. A year ago, I wouldn't go near it. I am on Lexapro and it works pretty well. I tried Prozac, but the dose was too high or something; it made me kind of crazy. Lexapro at 10mgs does pretty well. The photo is so cute--I remember it from earlier--very cute. **Funny story** I ran with my first baby up until I delivered. I decided to run after giving birth--and I broke my foot!! I haven't been running since. My foot still hurts when I think about it. That was 7 years ago now. So don't feel bad--yoga is good.

Starr said...

Oh I can relate to this one...

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