Sunday, May 23, 2010

desirable levels

photo: anna aden

I want to lay naked at nighttime but the chills erupt. My thyroid is low. Too low. Finally, a recommendation to an endocrinologist, which I requested from Kaiser at the beginning of the pregnancy: denied. Now at 13 weeks my thyroid result came back .25. Normal being .40 - 4.00 and desirable for pregnancy is to be on the high level of normal, to prevent the developmental delays that can come for a baby in a low thyroid mother. I added another pill four days ago, when I got the online results and did not need a doctor to tell me it was best for baby to add more thyroid. I am angry at my doctor you couldn't possibly be having symptoms already, we just changed the dose... it's not necessary to test you yet... and angry at myself for not being more aggressive. It's my fucking baby.


I am slack jawed and fuzzy eyed, achy limbed and exhausted, throwing up a few times a day again and spending the time in between sick and tired. The workweek is exhausting. I come home from work and collapse on the couch while Mr. Curry makes dinner and wake to eat, homework, tidy, shower, and collapse again.

This week is the hardest. It is when I miscarried. That baby died at 10 or 11 weeks so I am past that danger point, but somehow it is still this week, when the baby slid violently out of me, that is the hardest to get through. I am down to half the Zoloft I was taking before I became pregnant; the weight of this physical unhappiness and engulfment is becoming harder to handle gracefully. I find myself complaining more to Mr. Curry at home and fighting the urge to sulk. It is amazing how the physical suffering of the body can force out the personality with the ease and strength of a wave pushing the swimmer underwater. All the rest of the world's people and their chatter and cares and conversation murmur around me like traffic outside the window- real enough, but inconsequential. A smiling face, interested eyes, appropriate responses- all these at work are actual work for me right now, with my body constantly calling out, squeezing, aching, vomiting,shuddering. I find people who demand bright chatter extremely annoying.

I am desperate to prove myself as a novelist. I must finish my book. It is good, very good, but I don't know if it's great- but it's very good and I have absolute faith it will get an agent and publisher but I must finish those final pages!!! Please send me strength of spirit and mind to type those words, those sentences, and finish my novel. I am meant to do this, I know it, and it gnaws at me every night as I sleep that I am leaving my passion to the wind. The unhappy physical state of the last few months have made writing so much more difficult. I remind myself nothing will get easier when Biggie Pea is born. I must finish before November, when baby is due.
Stephanie said...

Thinking of you. You can do this. All of it.

Maggie May said...

thank you Stephanie, i know it too.
i'm still offline so posting is erratic and reading blogs is too, but i'll be back :)

Darcy said...

this may be a total retarded question, if so, i apologize in advance! But taking more thyroid medication... wouldn't that cause your TSH to decrease even more? If you have too low thyroid then wouldn't that mean your TSH be greater than 4.00? Unless we're not talking TSH, we're talking another reading or something? (seriously sorry if this is dumb..I am probably just not understanding correctly?)

saracita said...

I love that picture, and I love your writing. Finish that novel, because I want to buy it. ;)

You & Biggie Pea (will that be on the birth certificate?) are in my thoughts.

svasti said...

Sending you wishes and prayers that the muse flies to your side and stays there, unseen, until you've finished those pages!

Keep hanging in there, Biggie Pea :)

Elizabeth said...

I'm sending you strength of spirit and mind to continue writing and finish your novel. I can't wait to read it one day -- and am happy to read any part of it at any time!

Maggie May said...

Darcy not a bad question at all, I tried to check the label of reading but can't get onto my account right now.

jack sender said...

You've got your target - keep it in sight, go for it.
I know you will.

Best wishes.

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,
If finishing your novel is what you want to do, it will happen for you. But, please, make sure the most important thing is taking care of your body and your peace of mind. It's all step by step. There are no "shoulds" except the demands we make upon ourselves. Here's wishing you strength, for everything. I'm sure your novel is great, and I'm sure it will feel great when those final words reach the page, and the questions your novel represents are resolved. Then, it's back to edits, but those will happen in their time. You are strong, strong, strong- and you can do this! You are a fantastic, genuine writer, and you will be published!

Irish Gumbo said...

Am sending now, my dear.

Strength, courage, endurance. I'll share what i have.

Wishing you all the best and flying as many prayer flags as I can...

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Maggie, good luck with finishing your book. I agree, you were meant to do that. I can't wait to have a copy.
I'm 24 weeks now pregnant and I was sicker with this pregnancy than any of the others. I was sick week 4 through 17. It sucked! You are dead-on right that everything is so hard when our physical state is crap.
SO glad you figured out your thyroid. I am so cynical about doctors these days, but that's another story.
sending love your way for Biggie Pea and your book..

Ms. Moon said...

You're doing so much. Please- remember- you are a vessel. Be careful with that vessel and be gentle with it too.
May the words fly from your heart onto the screen. I am wishing that for you.

Therese said...

You are such a talent. Soon this grind will be behind you. For now, slog through it and know that so many are cheering for you. I want to be first in line for a copy of your novel!!

Kim said...

OMG!!! I was was just down at plaza and saw your book on the shelf at Dymocks. Now I just have to save up to buy it!!!!


What you see you can achieve.

Love and prayers

Kim

YES Gallery + Studio said...

yes, you can do this. if getting through the week seems too overwhelming, focus on getting through the day. if getting through the day seems too overwhelming, focus on getting through the hour. if getting through the hour seems too overwhelming, focus on the minutes. little by little you will get there. just break it down into manageable bites and hang in there!! you're only job is to not worry. that's it. if you focus on that, the rest will fall into place. i know this to be true, because i've been there. xo

Barrie said...

Thinking, thinking, thinking of you. And sending you best wishes for everything you need xo

Simply Mel said...

You can do this Maggie ~ you can make it all happen and finish the exceptional book (that I know it is) before your sweet pea arrives!

Sending positive energy your way today and every day.

Traci said...

You have my support and encouragement. I send you good vibes every time I think of you and Biggie Pea. I love that name. :D And I like to light a white candle when I can just for the two of you. You are a special woman and I hope that it all works out. Keep up the struggle because there is a bright future ahead of you and your family just waiting to be explored. I will definitely read your book when you get it published. Hugs and well wishes.

Beth said...

You are doing all you can – listening to your body and acting accordingly. This in itself is a challenge and a feat. Stay strong – in mind and body.

just making my way said...

You will get through this week. Let's start there. It may seem like an eternity, but it will soon be another week.

I also have faith that you will finish that novel. Even with the cacophony that is surrounding you right now, physically and mentally, you will get there.

Wine and Words said...

Well I know you have these goals, and dreams, and deadlines and timelines....but you ARE growing a life dear. Relax. It is necessary. More pressure, reaps more pressure, reaps more stress. You will find your way to fit it all in.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am thinking of you. Sending you love.

SB

Sarah Jane said...

Wishing your health and peace.

anymommy said...

You are a novelist. You can do it. I send you peace and love and health and strength. You already have the talent. XO.

Phoenix said...

You can do it, sweetheart...

sending love and strength your way. Always.

Phoenix said...

I would send you strength and love to do what you must do but instead I'll give you an even bigger gift:

I will remind you that you have strength and love enough of your own, that you are a fucking hurricane of power and love, and that your strength is always within arm's reach.

You can do it, Maggie May. You can do it a thousand times.

Elizabeth said...

It was only when I came to this post the second time that I REALLY noticed the photo at the top. It's spectacular.

I hope you're feeling rested today and the baby is swimming peacefully inside --

Petula said...

I totally understand your struggle. the pregnancy, the fear, the responsibilities, the moods, etc., all tied together and affecting the dream... It's a tough spot. I believe you can do it. I came across a comment you left on my blog some time ago (November!) when I was talking about my symptoms. For some reason I get a "never give up" vibe from you. Follow your heart/intuition, (with health & everything)... Wishing you some amazing rest and restorative sleep.

swonderful said...

You will get there, you will. I think about you often and I can't wait to read that novel. I'm sure it is amazing!

angela simione said...

not only are you meant to do it, you ARE doing it. and with such an explosive eloquence. there is so much gold in you. :)

Mwa said...

Isn't it too ironic that we want with all our might to get pregnant, and then when we are we feel miserable and depressed? I feel cheated, and like I'm letting this baby down already for not being able to just be happy about it.

I'm sending you lots of good thoughts, for baby novel and you.

Jenn said...

We should start a 'finish our novel for f*ck's sake' support group. I literally just wrote about something similar this morning. Well acually wrote it yesterday, just got the balls to post it this morning. Hope you are feeling less fatigued soon and that Pea is treating you good :-)

Angie Muresan said...

Love and hugs and positive thoughts your way, sweet Maggie May.

~Amber Elise~ said...

As if pregnancy isn't hard enough without thyroid issues, I have long since discovered that you have to take much of your medical care into your own hands, Good for you for doing so... Listening to your body and doing what you know is best for your baby.
I love your blog and I can only imagine that your novel would be amazing, so reach deep down into that "pregnant" mind and find the inspiration you need! (I only say pregnant mind because mine was so different at that time, maybe it isn't like that for everyone : )

Claire Beynon said...

Dear Maggie
I see you trusting the big picture as you take care of all the tiniest details. . . I admire your tenacity and the fluidity, honesty and passion of your writing. As you live your life, so you live your book into being.
Love and strength to you
Claire

Cheryl said...

Look for The Mood Cure book. I've tried some of it's recommendations for my low seratonin levels and food allergies and it has been a Godsend. Wish I'd read it earlier.

Maggie May said...

Cheryl- I read The Mood Cure years ago and implemented many suggestions- a great book!

My thyroid is OK- I misread the results, I"m a little hyperthyroid which is desirable during pregnancy, and the symptoms are partly from cutting the Zoloft to 50% of my former dose. Ya!

Lola Sharp said...

I always love your honesty, my friend.

Your health and your family need to come first...don't spread yourself too thin. The book will be ready when it's ready.

You're always in my thoughts.
Love,
Lola

Maggie May said...

i forgot to say- DARCY you were right!

Terresa said...

You can finish your novel. You can push through and give birth.

I just fed myself a mash of self loathing today as I discovered/realized/oh, the awful epiphany...that many others are pushing through their manuscripts (similar to birthing, yes, the parallels are striking).

Many are completing this writing cycle while I write, too, and mother and wife and...write, more. But never to completion. Not yet.

You can do it. Write through, birth your novel. You must. :)

Darcy said...

Well I am not happy about being right, just happy that all of my crazy reading of thyroid info (due to my own battles with thyroid) can help somewhere ;-)!

I am sending you lots and lots of baby love from my bump to yours, may our babies be safe and calm and healthy...little bundles of God's light.

deb said...

Write Maggie.
be well, inside and in spirit,
and in doing what you can

Bee said...

You know, I've had a rotten cold for the past three weeks and I've wanted to do nothing but read . . . and garden. You are so right about the body's suffering.

If you can manage to write, despite your mental and physical suffering, I bow down to you in awe! Strength and love to you.

Boy Crazy said...

keep writing, woman. I can't wait to read it.

-elizabeth

Dingo said...

Maggie, you KNOW you can finish this book. In fact, you have to because I'm waiting for it. But most importantly take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

krista said...

you can do it, ya know. but you can also allow yourself to take a break and not accomplish anything other than growing that baby.
(i just had a private conversation with your thyroid so things should be in tip-top shape in no time.)

That one girl said...

I heart you!!! Wishing you strength, though you know you already have it!

That baby is staying in, I can feel it!

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