Sunday, May 9, 2010

greetings from the inside

Greetings from the inside of my undereye skin, where I spend an inordinate amount of time lately- there, and my guts. My eyes tell me I am exhausted, I am weak, I am excited, I am intellectually stimulated, I am happy, I am sad, I am facing inward or outward; my stomach tells me I am sick, I am pregnant, I am acidic and roiling, I am taking it all in or forcing it all out, I am afraid, I am honest, I am smelling something delicious smelling something terribly foul like underarm sour or the soft flat wetness of roadkill that hurts my heart daily.

I roam through my house absorbed and agitated with all I want to do and my physical self will not let me do without chills, vomit, faintness; I feel reduced to a Victorian womankind, weak and lightheaded, swooning and often bedridden. Oh I am in the family way. I am carrying child. I am carrying children. I often carry my own self like a shadow person, observing with great resentment the goings on of the buttery fleshed woman on my shoulders. I want to scrape corners clean with a toothbrush. I want to work like my red headed mother did when I was a child, without an outside world job, burnishing the house into a gleaming shining empire of cleanliness and smoothness. I want to strip walls, paint, rip up carpet, buy new sheets, patch holes in the wall, shave my husband's burly facial hair into a neater nest. I want to reduce to manage.

There is no sex for the first three months, we agreed. This baby will not come out of my womb on any violotion of mine, we are encouraging him or her with our sexless orgasmless prescence to nourish and cling to the uterine walls, the placenta. I don't take caffiene, or gluten. I abstain.

Days pass and the child absorbs more than the calcium in my bones, there are hours of sleep given, there are legs crossed and trips untaken, there are plans unmade and a house unkept, there is the reduction. There is hope and wanting for pink baby flesh and smooth eyes like thumbprints of the other side we will gaze in for the first few months, to see what has been seen and like Mary Poppins knew, will be forgotten as the child grows in this world and leaves the etherworld behind. All is transformed.

My children rub my stomach and my husband weighs my breasts with large working hands like two great scales. I am purple nippled and rounded, I am inward. I am exactly the pod around the seed which keeps quiet until the great song is sung and the flower erupts with all it's smell and shape and movement and reach.

I am 11 weeks. I am burgeoning with hope. Let us make this all the way..

Happy Mother's Day
Pam Hart said...

all good wishes and energy to you and your growing little one and your family....

Shaista (Lupus in Flight) said...

Your children's hands on your baby belly are prayers. Only good and wonderful things for you Maggie May, happiest of happy Mother's Days now and always...

Brigindo said...

Happy Mother's day. The trials and tribulations of pregnancy will pass. Your love for you child never will.

jennifer said...

may it be . . .

Alesa Warcan said...

And my best wishes of a happy mother's day to you, and an even happier one to come in 30 weeks time.

Shana said...

I'm holding thoughts for you and the bean close.

Bethany said...

what a beautiful prayer. you sing.

Vodka Mom said...

and I am sending you hope, as well.


xx

SJ said...

I am holding my breath for your baby Maggie. I love you.

michelle said...

oh happy mother's day maggie may
I was thinking about you today, wondering how you are...
xoxoxo

Life As I Know It said...

congratulations! Enjoy every moment (even the tired, exhausted ones ;))

nkp said...

How incredibly wonderful. Congratulations and best wishes for a healthy, happy pregnancy!

I'll be thinking of you-nelya

Oh, and of course, Happy Mother's Day!!!

All This Trouble... said...

And a happy and precious day to you, Maggie!

Annje said...

You have a lot of people wishing on stars and crossing fingers and doing all sorts of "praying" for you and baby.

Allegra Smith said...

Sweetpea is fine and she will be fine. In my heart of hearts I know it with a certainty of bones. Is there any other certainty worth of paying attention to? So relax my dear Maggie May. The house will wait, the world can wait, and Sweetpea will come like a ripe peach, ready and full of sweetness to make you forget the abstinences and the wait. You shall see, we all will, just wait...

Terresa said...

Pregnancy can undo us like nothing else. And can burnish us, too.

This reads like a passage from Louise Erdrich, The blue jay’s dance: a birth year.

{Love that book; love this.}

Blessings and hope to you in these days, weeks, months.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh Maggie- be that sweet fruit around the seed. Protect your purple flesh from tiny nibbles, juicy bites.
Yes.
What a well-written wish for a life.

Therese said...

" I am exactly the pod around the seed which keeps quiet until the great song is sung and the flower erupts with all it's smell and shape and movement and reach"

And as always, I am happy I came here today.

11 weeks, HOORAY!

Hoping along with you. Hello little life! xoxoxox

T. Clear said...

This is breathlessly stunning writing!

Elizabeth said...

Yes. Let you make it all the way. Safe and sound and easy.

yolanda said...

everything is ok!!
congratulations, my maggie!!!
i love you---

Mary said...

Keeping you and the burgeoning life within you in my thoughts..

Mwa said...

Happy mother's day to you. I'm rooting for you from far away.

You're so right about the no sex rule. I bled once, and it was too scary. (But fine.)

Petit fleur said...

Maggie Maggie Maggie.

You bedazzle me, even when you are feeling spent and haggard.

Keep honoring what you need. I will keep you and your fam tucked in my heart and whisper to you about all good things to come.

Thanks and love,
pf

Duyvken said...

Hoping too... best wishes, A.

la fille vanille said...

all the best wishes for you and your little one - and happy mother's day :-)r

Elisabeth said...

What a superb description of pregnancy. One of the best I've ever read. It has to be an omen of the best to come.

And it's good that you feel so sick. Morning sickness is always a good sign.

One more week and you're into second trimester and past the worst. You'd know that of course but there's no harm reminding you.

starrlife said...

You've got a whole lot of cheerleaders here!
It's hard to capitulate to our fragile and mysterious bodies isn't it? Our brains and hearts are too damn big sometimes to contain us! Lovely post Maggie May.

deb said...

gorgeous.

powerful and gorgeous

esbboston said...

The sounds that abound, and the feels and reveals of being well rounded and well around-ed

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Happy Mother's Day, dear Maggie.

Wine and Words said...

This was such a lovely portrait of growth. It was sweet and yet gritty with the realities of pregnancy. Yes, inward is the perfect description of how we are...when we are harboring life!

Just.Kate said...

Yous post is a quiet kind of lovely. I know the maddening feeling of being forced into unproductive householding- hang in there. :)

{All kinds of love to Biggie Pea, quickly becoming Baby Pea}

wherewiller said...

You can do it. Go all the way. All the way.

red-handed said...

You will. Best wishes.

Sandi said...

Sending sticky baby wishes your way! Hang in there through the exhaustion, it too shall pass.

Johanna said...

Beautiful words. I hope you had a lovely Mothers Day. I am am so happy for you and your little pea pod.

Ida Mae said...

beautiful, as always. Thinking good sticky thoughts.
~ida mae

krista said...

i have been thinking about you so so much. and i have been here visiting, while on lunch at work and during stolen moments here and there. happy happy mothers day.
xoxo

katiecrackernuts said...

11 and a half weeks now. Thinking of you and yours.

Lola Sharp said...

Happy (late) Mother's Day, Maggie. :)

Allison the Meep said...

Happy Mother's Day to you.

And grow, Biggie Pea, grow.

Annie said...

Happy Mother's Day, Maggie, every day! Beautiful writing! Wishing you all the best, and some time to feel at peace.

Evangeline said...

I am hoping for you and the little one, so hard. Happy belated Mum's day, Maggie May.

just making my way said...

I'm late to this but wanted to say belated Happy Mother's Day and I'm still sending sticky thoughts to Biggie Pea.

Jason, as himself said...

Burgeoning. I love that word, especially in description of a pregnant woman. I wish you all the best.

Lovely World said...

This is one of the best short pieces about early pregnancy I have read. So honest and on the money. I'm enjoying catching up on posts here. Life has been busy and blog reading has suffered. Such are the cycles of my days, weeks, months, and on.

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