Anxiety and Children

Lola is terribly stressed. She has a circumstantial problem with anxiety, meaning that she isn't anxious in general, but when a truly stressful situation does occur, she can't move past it at the same rate as most children. She gets mired in stomach aches and headaches and separation anxiety and problems falling asleep. The last time this happened was about a year ago when she saw part of a scary movie at her friend's house. She came home, cried and told me all about it. I talked to her, told her the right things, and fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her. She woke, and cried. She went to bed and cried. Repeat, for days! It took her a good two weeks before she stopped obsessing on it, and another week or so after that to be close to her old bouncy self. She didn't want to go to any of her friend's houses for a while, not just the one where she saw the movie. She spent a lot of time with a very adult stress line running down the bridge of her nose and her eyes brimming with tears.

The last week, I've gotten a call from either Lola herself in her classroom, or the school nurse, just for some calming effect because she is crying in class. I have had her visit the very sweet and kind school psychologist three times in the last two weeks, and Lola loves to see her. Mr. Curry and I have both sat and talked with Lola about her stress, saying all the right things ( as far as we presume to know ) and asking the right questions, being good listeners and offering solutions, reassuring her this to shall pass. At night she goes to sleep and I have her pick out three good things to think on as she falls asleep. I have taught her how to breathe for calm, deeply in the nose and out the mouth. I am re-reading ' Stress and Your Child' to see if there are any important pieces I'm leaving out. In the morning I cuddle her before taking her to school. And still she can't eat more than the two bites of the breakfast I make her eat.

Most of you know I have anxiety, which sounds almost innocuous in today's society, where everyone seems anxious and popping Xanex or drinking too much wine. But my anxiety has been, at times, severely disabling. I spent most of my childhood in a state of fear, constant fear. I began having full fledged panic attacks in elementary school, complete with running away from school in kindergarten. I walked into my backyard, backpack on, and watched my mother gardening with my baby sister before I softly announced my arrival. In my teenage years, the panic grew worse until I was eventually hospitalized at 17 for severe anxiety and depression.

To see Lola struggle with the feeling of anxiety is to face my own demons in the eyes of my innocent child. This is the hardest and most entangled of tasks; to parent your child effectively and from a position of strength and reassurance when your heart is screaming for you to just make. it. stop. I look at Lola's face and want ridiculous measures to be taken- I want to rip her out of school and keep her wrapped in hot chocolate, art projects and my arms until she is done being afraid. I tell her 'the only way through this is through it', and I mean it...kind of. I also believe there is a balance for a young child, and I ask myself daily if I am providing enough ballast and comfort against the worry and pain she is feeling.

I know as a young child, I was anxious because I was in a chronically sad and dysfunctional household with a father who terrorized all three of the women in his family with his lying, temper and abuse. There is also surely some kind of genetic propensity for anxiety in our family, as I can think of three members who have struggled with severe anxiety over the years. Lola's anxiety seems to spring from a specific situation and then multiply viciously without further provocation. In this case, we had the last two months of family stress, with a few loud fights between Dakota and Mr. Curry and I to wrap it up. Mr. Curry and Dakota got in one last loud and scary fight later at night when Lola was sleeping, and she woke to it, afraid and upset. Mr. Curry apologized to her the next day and reassured her that things were OK with himself and Dakota, but that had set her off. She began struggling with anxiety, and then another stressful situation- unrelated to our family life or members- occured, and then before we knew it the baby was due to be born in five weeks, and that just did it. The nightly stomachaches and crying and inability to concentrate at school began.

So far I believe I have been unflappable in my response to her generalized fear. I hold her a LOT, and we are already a very huggy family, so that is quite a bit. Mr. Curry and I are paying more than our usual amount of attention to her, I'm making sure her eating habits are good, she's getting exercise, keeping her routines stable, and reminding her daily of her coping mechanisms, ( such as giving herself three minutes to feel upset, and then 'putting it away' until after school ) as well as making sure she has a constant outlet to talk about her feelings. We listen and nod and reassure, repeat. The closest I come to cracking is when she is nodding, listening to me, and then crying tells me she is just so tired of feeling like this. I want to weep. I so understand.

She rallied for a week, seemed to do better, and then this past weekend was hard, as well as today, Monday, when another call came from Lola, her voice cracking. My last day of work is tomorrow, so I told her I would volunteer in her classroom for reading time, and be spending more one on one time with her. The schedule since Dakota began his program and Mr. Curry began often working 6 days a week has been hectic, no way around it. We have been a very busy ant hive, with Lola in school and Girl Scouts, Dakota in his program ( 3 days a week from 4-7pm, a 20 minute drive to and home, with my work schedule having been moved around to accomodate this driving ) and myself working full time and being pregnant, Ian in football and trying to keep any semblance of Friday Night Family Night when Mr. Curry and I are both so exhausted we can barely stay awake.

So slow down. Slow down, I am telling myself. My reaction to Lola's anxiety is to become the antidote to anxiety, which is calm, peaceful movements and energy, confident hugs and eye contact, and a constant reassurance that Mommy and Daddy know how to help her through this. She's very worried about life after Ever's arrival, and I don't blame her. She is a huge Daddy's girl, her and Mr. Curry have a very special relationship and she, despite being so excited, is also afraid that her special place in his heart and attentions is going to be moved. Ever heard that funny saying about ' how would you feel if your husband told you he was taking on a second wife, but you should be excited about it because it's just one more person to love! one more person to play with! ' ? There is a lot of truth to that. Children can't bank on the life experience we have to tell us that these things might be hard and intense, but with willing members, they also end up with everyone's needs getting met, and the change becomes the normal.

So tomorrow, last day of work.

Any suggestions for helping my girl, I'm listening.