Thursday, November 4, 2010

Breeched

Hi!

Ever is breech. She wasn't at the 35 week checkup. I know when she flipped too; I was lying on the couch watching TV alone one night, Mr. Curry and the kids asleep, and suddenly there was a flurry of activity low in my pelvis. A bundle of nerves, wiggles, punches, and then the feeling of an entire human being circling, moving like a small Pacific wave toward the shore, bringing a great feeling of sickness and I stood- thinking I was going to vomit- just as she went still. That little upside down Ever-cake.

A version is scheduled, which I can cancel if I like, for 37 weeks, this coming week. Come in as if you are going to have her, the doctor told Mr. Curry and I, because occasionally version triggers labor. Acupuncture has been suggested and worked for my SIL, but after looking at the budget is not an option. So pelvic tilts, and deciding on version yes or version no. The thought of a C-Section ...

Meanwhile back at the farm, Dakota lost his temper yesterday and punched a hole into the door between our kitchen and hallway/living room. This is the fourth or fifth? hole he has punched into this house. The program we are doing has given us all great movement forward, but nothing is fixed overnight, and he is 16, still getting used to life without ever being high, and still has some deep and hard things to work through internally, as well as managing the formidable stresses of being a teenager in high school and the social pressures and decisions that come with that. One of the suggestions from the group leader, Lady D, ( who we all just love- she is an amazing person with an amazing story of redemption herself ) is that Dakota get a part time job to pay for the hole. I agree he must find a way to give restitution, but I'm not sure if that can be it. He has to be held accountable for his actions, but I don't want to make it impossible for him to be successful, and adding a part time job on top of the pressure of full-time school- which is a great challenge for him, more than our other kids, the sitting, the structure, the amount of kids, the organization- might be a pressure cooker. I have asked around but the other mothers I talked to whose sons punched holes in their walls- which was more common than I would have thought or liked to think- didn't have their sons do anything beyond apologize, which isn't enough, either. Dakota is not disrespectful in general, either, it's not a complete attitude problem or some chip he has against all adults. I always hear how respectful, thoughtful and intelligent he is from adults he comes into contact with, and at home he's not out of control with other things, like his mouth or attitude. It's this sweeping rage that comes over him a few times a year, where he is so angry that for that moment he just doesn't care about the consequences of a hole in the wall. I can't walk him through that, he's got to decide for himself it's totally unacceptable, but I do have to require some kind of restitution, some natural consequence. He has to turn himself. No longer an infant I can acupuncture or lay hands on to hold him, not yet a full grown man, the strange in between land of the short teenage years.

Ian is so busy keeping up with his life that I think Ever's impending arrival must hardly seem real to him. Football practice is four days a week, and then he has hours and hours of homework and projects because he is in the Seminar program. I'd be fascinated to know his IQ. I know, I know... but still! He's so incredibly smart, in such a school way- so organized, focused, self disciplined and motivated internally to succeed, great memory- and achieves such enormous success under such stress and pressure, that I think his IQ must be extremely high. Ian, like most unusually intelligent people I've met, did not ever have natural and easy social skills. Even as a toddler he was terribly introverted, shy and awkward around people, even his own extended family. Elementary school was so hard for him, and he went through a great deal of bullying and then turned into the bully himself for a period, began getting into constant trouble at school, while maintaining his grades still. Our intelligent young man- who is reading books like
They Rained Fire Down From The Sky and Moby Dick- has slowly found more confidence but the world of public school has brought a hardness, a mean streak, to his joking exchanges that make me sad. I wish public schools could find a way to get a grip on the social beat downs that go on throughout the grades, especially in later elementary and middle school. I would not go through three years of middle school again for a million dollars. Really. I wouldn't.

Lola's week has been better! She's been doing the deep breathing at school, and listing things off to herself in her head to remind her that life is good and that anxiety is a feeling, not a reality. We've given her a number of things to look forward to, so she can turn to daydreaming about them when her mind is repeating a negative loop. I brought a friend of her's home for a playdate after Girl Scouts yesterday, and she spent the entire time giggling and creating a 'love song' with J. It was so good to hear her being a nutter.

And...I washed the first batch of Ever's baby clothes, the NB to 3 months, a full load of just the most adorable outfits you've ever seen. We have so many 0-3 outfits I think we could easily clothe twin girls! I am so excited to meet her. Turn, baby, turn!
Lindsey said...

Sending turn-baby vibes ... That is the most gorgeous, glowy, happy photograph of you! Go, Mama, go!!
xo

Steph(anie) said...

Maggie, I've had 2 C-sections and it really was NOT a big deal. Really really really.

You still love the baby. You are still a strong woman. And if it is a planned section, then the healing is easy-peasy. (I think if you have a hard labor and then the c-section recooping is a little harder). I'm not trying to talk you into it, just saying that if you have to go that way you will be fine and so will the baby.

I think Michelle at Just Eat It had c-sections too.

Peach said...

not sure about where you are, but have you looked into community acupuncture? i used to do that in NYC and i only paid $20 each session. you have your privacy, but there are other people in the room getting treatments as well....

Elizabeth said...

Moxibustion -- look it up.

I just picked up Wendy Mogel's book "The Blessing of a B Minus" -- she's a wonderful psychologist and this is her second book -- it's about raising "resilient teenagers." It has a Jewish bent to it but is relevant to everyone (she wrote "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee," too).

Corinne said...

Turn baby turn is right! Sending you some prayers...

It is amazing how each child is different, and I'm struck by how accepting and loving you speak of all your children.
I worry about the public schools and the social aspect as well... that edge... so many kids get it, and it's such a shame.
Hang in there!

24 Corners said...

Ever sweetie...isn't there a more comfy position you could lay in that would be easier on Mommy?? Give it a try...I'm just sure there is.

Maggie...when we were interviewing our contractor, he took us to a beautiful house in a lovely neighborhood that he had just finished working on. The family hadn't been there long and what do you think was in their teenage son's bedroom door?? Yup, a hole that was just recently punched. I think it is common...all those hormones, fears and insecurities make for a lethal dose of punch power...also, it's already difficult for males to communicate and get their feelings *really* out, so can you imagine being a teen boy...it gets all pent up and explodes. He is blessed to have you so involved...and even though he might slip a bit, it's all good because you're all there to catch him. Just think of those that don't have anyone there to do the catching...breaks my heart. Is there a way he can do some kind of special chores to make up for the hole?? That might be an option to working.

You look absolutely lovely...please give sweet Lola a loving and calming squeeze with a tickle thrown in from me...praying she has peace settle in her soul.
xoxo J~

Julia said...

I think the open-ended getting a job idea is too much, but there are other solutions.

Could you have Dakota learn to repair punched-in walls, and fix it himself? Find him a fix-it guy to do a fixed amount of hours of service or apprenticeship, in exchange for learning how to plaster neatly. I agree that more than an apology is needed: if you do damage, you need to make restitution.

Barring doing the repair himself, there's the possibility of having him do chores around the house at minimum wage, until the cost of the repair is met.

So glad to hear the news about Lola! You might make a note to yourself about how long the start-to-finish period is for her anxiety waves; could be useful to remember if there's a next time.

Hoping Ever will flip again... and if she doesn't, she'll still get born and still be yours and it will work out.

Yuliya said...

My Aliza was breech and born via c-section...she's almost nine months and I'm still processing her birth.
As for you darling check out spinning babies.com; look into moxibustion (higher success rate than a version)also look into the Webster technique (chiropractor), the breech tilt and the stair tilt, lots of positive thinking and of course lots of luck on your version. Please email me if you want any support for any of it, I did it all with my baby, shesuggests[at]gmail[dot]com. Glow mama glow!!!

Ms. Moon said...

Well, acupuncture did not work to turn my friend Shayla's baby so...
Ever will be born the way she wants, I suppose, and that is that.
Perhaps she is just shy. Or maybe very dramatic. Like, oh, other children you may know.

Captain Dumbass said...

Turn, Ever, turn! Give mommy a break, she needs it. Good luck with all of it. My little guy is reciting the alphabet over and over when he needs a time out to get under control again. Works some of the time.

Dari said...

Sorry to hear about Ever being breech. What a pain. Lola was breech and because she was my first and was so huge, the Dr thought trying to turn her wouldn't work for me since babies flip back often and it is a painful process. I did some really crazy moves of my own though to try to get her to turn (HA) and looked into chiropractic options and acupuncture but was in the same boat as far as the finances went. She was a c-section and it was a great experience for me. So if that is what you end up doing, I am sure it will be great for you too! But where you have already had kids, turning may be a good option for you. :)

I love hearing about your children. They are so diverse and unique and you seem like such an amazing mom to them. They are lucky to have you!

Angella Lister said...

About that hole in the wall, why not just have Dakota repair it? Help him figure out what he needs to do the job, and if he can afford to buy the materials, great, if not, get them for him, and then have him take pride in his repair job. That and an apology is probably a proportional response for a teenager born in 1994 (i know that particular age well!) Maybe he can fix the other holes too. He might even enjoy it!

I cannot wait to make Ever's acquaintance, no matter how she arrives. God bless you Maggie May.

tonya lynn said...

I'm not sure how I came across your blog but I have been lurking for sometime now.

A possible suggestion for Dakota - maybe some extra chores (not the normal everyday tasks - but something such as yard work, or organizing, etc.) that needs done. When I was his age I had some anger issues and would lash out every so often not caring about the consequences (usually when the stress became overwhelming.)

And maybe this is something that y'all have tried in the past but I thought that I would suggest it as at the time I couldn't handle a job outside the home and yet my parents did want me to have some sort of a consequence.

Mwa said...

I hope she turn soon! (My first two turned after 38 weeks - it's all possible.)

About the doors - my boyfriend, now husband, used to do that. It seems to be a teenage way to channel aggression. He grew out of it.

Simply Mel said...

the crumb was breech at 36 weeks, and she turned on her own a week before she entered my arms.

Shana said...

So much to deal with, and yet you are RADIANT in that photo. Much love to you and yours.

Casey said...

When my son punched a large hole in our rec room, I found someone who knew how to fix it and then had them come by and lead my son through the repairs. This son also had drug issues but did grow up and out of them eventually. It was a long tough sad difficult emotional draining time period but we got there. Good luck. Re the breech baby...my third son was breech and I was told it would be a C Section and that the baby wouldn't come for at least ten days. Benj popped out the next day the way he was supposed to. Take a deep breath and what will be will be.

Ellen said...

My Ryan was breech towards the end of my pregnancy...I was upset about this in so many ways. Then amazingly he turned a few days before he was born...joy! My midwife and I didn't need to weigh the decision of a breech birth or C-section thankfully.

My youngest daughter in her teen years was a handful needless to say. She got herself a part time job only on week days working at her orthodontist office. She worked there for over 2 years and it was the best thing for all of us. It gave her extra spend money and taught her how to safe money and be responsible....something my Love and I didn't have the ability to teach her for some reason. Either that or time played into her maturity.

Thinking good thoughts your way on baby Ever and all your family..

Kristin Hjellegjerde said...

I am so impressed by you, you look way young to have all these responsibilities. Good luck with the birth!

Michele R said...

I am a couple years behind you on having a 16 year old boy. I ma sure we will experience much of the same. I just asked my husband who is youngest of 4 boys if there was any hole punching and he said yes. You've had many good suggestions such as him repairing it.
Also good suggestions on the turning. One I also heard is to get in a swimming pool--handstands. i have a friend who tried everything and it turns out the baby prob needed to be breech. There are docs who will attend breech but not many as they are no longer trained that way. You have time--keeping my fingers crossed.

Terresa said...

Ok, I have a story for you. My friend, Astrid, home birthed all 4 of her children, her baby #3 was breech, which she (and her midwife) didn't realize until labor, when the baby was crowning. Needless to say, despite from four-letter words and surprise, the baby was born just fine. Not an ideal situation, but there was no need to transport the baby to the hospital afterwards, nothing, the baby was fine, and is now an amazing 9 year old beautiful girl.

I vote for pelvic tilts, does your midwife/doc have a table/chair contraption (what's the name for those?) that do the trick? My midwife used to have one in her office.

Here's prayers and well wishes for Ever to turn. :) Faith. Believe. Positive. You can do this, mama, breech or no breech, whatever it is, you can see it through.

Paula said...

My heart always feels such a kindred likeness to Lola. I was the same young girl, trying to be the peace keeper at a tender age and feeling the stress and anxiety caused by troubled and tumultuous and raging teenagers. I lived in fear of the fights, the rage, and yelling that came from my parents trying to reason with the troubled souls. I remember lying in bed at night, trembling, sleepless, listening to the arguments. I pray for her and so glad she is doing better this week.

Fingers crossed for Ever! Ms. Moon is right... She'll come how ever she wants to...

Marion said...

Dearest Maggie, you are such a wonderful Mom. Your love and concern for your children just shines off each page. I was born breech, or so my Mama tells me, and everything went just fine. I'll say a prayer for Ms. Ever to get herself turned around. I just know that all will be well with you both. I can't wait to see her. I feel like I know her from your blog posts. Your family is amazing. Love & Blessings...

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,

My son was breech. The doctor chose not to try to turn him, but I did try, at her suggestion, lying at a downward slant on an ironing board propped up on one end, which I don't recommend! It didn't work, of course. He came one week before his scheduled C-section, two weeks before my due date, when my water broke, and the C-section itself went beautifully. I nursed, so I stopped any pain medication after the first couple of days, which I'd only used sparingly, and that went fine, too; it was only mild discomfort. So, if Ever insists on staying feet first, a C-section can go quite smoothly!

I keep thinking about Dakota and his anger, and I'm so glad you're finding ways to help him work through it. I keep thinking, at least he is taking it out on things, and not people. I also feel for Ian. School and social interaction can be rough, especially for intelligent and sensitive people. And I'm happy for Lola, that she is feeling more comfortable and able to have fun, and looking forward to Ever.

Turn, baby, turn! But, if she doesn't, all will be well.

nfmgirl said...

Thanks for the update on your beautiful family! Here's hoping that Ever takes it into her mind to take it easy on you. Stay strong!

Leslie said...

Have you tried looking at spinningbabies.com? Other suggestions: hypnobabies, moxibustion, playing music near your pelvic area, swimming, putting ice packs near her head, etc. I've heard of these things working for others. Sometimes babies need to be breech for one reason or another. I hope you're able to get her to turn.

I had a c-section with my son and the recovery was not terrible. The emotional recovery has taken me a lot longer, but it was a completely unexpected and traumatic experience. So it's good that you're able to plan for it if that's what needs to happen.

Turn, baby, turn! Thinking good thoughts for you...

Therese said...

If you do find a way to finance the acu - it is amazeballs. I felt Soleil doing round offs in there during treatments.

TURN BABY TURN!!!!

Petit fleur said...

Sending you and Ever waves of healthy delivery wishes. I've heard it said that sometimes a talented chiropractor can help turn them...?

RE: Dakota-- Growing up Italian, we would be grateful it was a wall or a door rather than a person. As to restitution, maybe he could "chore" it off, like around the house stuff.

I hear you about the public schools. We are sending Harley to a Hippy school till we get a better grip on what options would be best for him.

On a lighter note, that is a beautiful picture of you! And yay for ms Lola! Using her tools, and yay for you for showing her them.
Hang in there Maggie!

Lo Lo said...

You look so radiant, girl! I think Ever's just showing you that she's ready to join the ranks of unorthodoxy in your lovely family :) Or maybe she's practicing to be a practical jokester. She'll turn at the last minute and come out giggling. ;) Sending you all turning vibes...

mosey said...

Ever, listen to your mother - get that head down, babe!

jennifer said...

my first went breech the week before she was born. our midwife had us burn some strange stuff--on my toes!! crazy-but she turned around. although it may have been from my non-stop pleading.
although cesareans are routine, THEY ARE A BIG DEAL. read as much as you can now so that you may intervene on some of the details if it goes that way.
safe & healthy is the truly important thing. wishing you well.

controllingaspicyuniverse said...

I would also suggest having Dakota patch the wall himself - I have a friend who has beautiful twin boys (who are now men). When they were sixteen one of them had a sad, fiery heart and punched holes, got arrested, vandalized stuff, etc. During one of his community service arrangements he had to work with the city parks cleaning up graffiti. Turns out he LOVED being outside, working for the parks, driving the equipment, landscaping, etc and it began his career with municipal landscaping. You never know. Dudes like to fix stuff and work with mudding and whatnot.

PS - You are glowingly glowing and luscious in that photo!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks for the update, Maggie. I am thinking of you.

T. Clear said...

Weighing in on the Dakota-job issue: a part-time job -- even just a few hours a week -- would be something that would be his alone, that he could own, and there is that thrill of a paycheck, no matter what the size.

Might not be a bad idea. Worth a try.

Beautiful mama!

Tanya Ward Goodman said...

I am reminded of my own daughter as I read your post. She was not breech, but sideways in my belly, never turning for departure, but always stretching on her own path. After a bout of premature labor followed by bedrest, my doctor and I agreed on a plan. He would try to turn her and if that failed, I would have a c-section. I'd had a wonderful natural birth with my son and I was determined to do the same with my daughter. I was worried about epidurals and stitches and pain and I wanted to be again part of the miraculous mother/child birth team. On the night before my appointment, I spoke to my mother on the phone. I told her I had come to the realization that however my daughter chose to arrive, I would be okay. Whatever happened would be fine as long as she was healthy and we were together. Ten minutes after I hung up the phone (kid you not) my water broke with the most gigantic explosive pop and I rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section. I healed. My daughter is gorgeous. We are a team in so many other ways. I felt like she waited until I was ready; until I'd made peace with the idea that she might not arrive in the same way her brother chose. And when I was ready, she made her entrance. She's a firecracker and well worth the scar.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Maggie, you look amazing!

I've found there is often a lot of anger underneath the sweet sensitive ones. It's exhausting to keep up with the surrounding competition plus the pressures of seeming successful in a school environment that isn't intuitive to you. Breaks my heart, but I wouldn't question his nature, it does seem to go hand in hand, the frustration. Our society doesn't really know what to do with sensitive young men. As parents we've got to just love them and embrace alternative options as they arrive.

(Clearly he's not the only sensitive and compassionate member of your family!!!)

As for Miss Ever, T was breech. We tried moxi sticks, acupuncture, pelvic tilts, talking to him... nothing worked and I had him premature between 35-36 weeks, 3 days before his scheduled version. I was already planning to cancel it however, as after all the effort, I began to believe that maybe there was a reason he'd turned that I wasn't aware of.

I had a v-back with Z and the truth is birth, is birth no matter how they come in. You either feel like you're splitting open and you get through it, or you literally are split open and you heal. Either one is work, but you have your lovely baby who you've carried for 9 months and who you'll be mother to for the rest of her life.

xo

sherri said...

turn, baby, turn! Love the name Ever. Sweet. that picture of you is soooo awesome. you look so radiant - the cliche about pregnant women looking radiantly beautiful is true, at least with you!

anymommy said...

Turn baby turn!!! Oh little Ever, flip it back around honey and get ready to meet us.

Could he do extra chores around the house to earn money until the hole is paid for? So hard, but I feel a lightness in this post and I'm so excited for you & your new baby.

Collin Kelley said...

Well, I learned something new at your blog today Miss Maggie. I had never heard the term "version" for turning the baby, so I immediately looked up how the procedure is done. I had no idea that was even POSSIBLE.

Whatever you decide to do, sending you and Ever great positive vibes.

starrlife said...

I'm with Serena (Zip and Tizzy) on this one. Two sensitive boys/young men handling things in their own way. I just read a great article, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ordinary-courage/201010/the-cruelty-crisis-bullying-isnt-school-problem-its-national-pastime, by Brene Brown who writes a lot on shame and vulnerability( she has a website too).
I vote for the working it off- perhaps around the house or a retribution of his own choice?

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